Under His Wing (1/3)

[estes-vig-girl.livejournal.com]

Title: Under His Wing, Part 1 of 3
Rating:  This part? Most definitely PG...would be G but it's only perfectly clean to us slashers.
Characters:  Jonathan Cheechoo, Matt Carle, Joe Thornton, and Patty Marleau throughout all three parts
Disclaimer:  I don't own the Sharks. Nor do I own any of these wonderful guys. I wish I did. Pure, unadulterated fiction.
Summary:  Cheech takes the first step in moving on from his rocky relationship with Big Joe. Cheech's POV.
A/N:  Finally! I actually completed a multipart fic! Parts 2 and 3 are written and will be posted soon, sooner depending on how well this is received. Concrit always graciously accepted and appreciated. Now let's see if I snag up a muse and write more of that Joe/Smytty that's buried deep in here somewhere. *taps website*

The first day I saw him was draft day. Coach had me give the "Welcome Aboard" pep talk. I had expected an awkward and gangly teen, and was instead confronted by a self-assured dirty blonde with the build of a grinder. His light blue eyes went straight through me. He was so confident...as if he had hung around the pros his entire life.
Looking at him from across the locker room, Matt Carle was every bit as confident as the day I first met him, if not more so.
I caught his eye unintentionally and was greeted with a warm smile. I turned away, my cheeks growing a bit warm, as if I hadn't noticed.
Joe, only a few feet away, saw my flush and almost growled under his breath.
I busied myself at my locker, avoiding contact with the rest of the team.
The room emptied too fast for my liking, but I reveled in the fact that Joe had meandered out along with the rest of the team. With a heavy sigh, I retreated from the locker room.
As I should have guessed, Joe was hidden around the first corner.
"He likes you." His voice was gruff.
"I know." I kept my tone sullen.
"You like him too, don't you?"
I let out a heady sigh, exasperated. "I don't know, Joe."
"You do," Joe was matter-of-fact. "And I don't like that, b-"
"I'm not yours anymore, remember?" I cut him off.
"Cheech, you didn't let me finish. I was going to say: but I want you to be happy."
I stared at him, confusion painted across my face.
"C'mon, Jon. You haven't been your normal happy self since we..." Joe couldn't bring himself to say the words. "Matt would be good for you."
I was stunned. "You're okay with that?"
"Well, he's young, so I'm not too excited about that. Could be he doesn't know what he's doing. But like you said, you're not mine...but you are still my friend. Be happy."
I felt absurdly emotional, looking into the eyes of my first real love. "Joe...I..."
"Don't worry, Cheech. I still like 'ya." Joe winked at me and a spit of laughter eased my thoughts.
Joe was right...

Comments

[zdarovyeh.livejournal.com]

I just wanted to let you know I read this...and since you sad concrit is welcome, I add that! :)

I liked the core idea of where this is going, but I had two immediate structural issues that caused my brain to trip reading it...

1) Not being able to identify right off the bat who the narrator was. Once I finally figured out it was Cheech, I had to go back to the beginning and start over. Not fun.

2) It was very...choppy. No flow to it. And I think that detracted some from whatever emotional attachment I, as a reader, am supposed to be making with the characters. And since it's being posted in parts, I think that's important to make so people will keep reading.

Just my $0.02. :)

[estes-vig-girl.livejournal.com]

First off, thanks for reading, commenting, and the concrit!
Two things from me:
1) I mentioned in my header that it's from Cheech's POV, but I can see how it would be confusing without knowing that. I've been known to miss catching who the narrator is before too, so I surely can't hold that against you. In any case, it's nice to know that the narrator isn't clear off the bat. I'll keep that in mind.
2) I agree whole-heartedly with it being choppy. Certainly not my best write. It was written in (very) short bursts so that probably contributed to that. I'll take a gander at the next two parts and see if any changes can be made to make it flow better (or at all ^.^).
Thanks again for your comments. I'm always glad to hear people out. :)

[konishi-zen.livejournal.com]

I'm intrigued, but the voice of the narrator seems very detached an unsure. The set-up is a bit slow and vague, but it gets interesting as you keep on reading.

Are you going to post up the rest of it? I'm still curious to read what else develops here.