Keep Me Close- Chapter XXX
Sep. 24th, 2009 10:11 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
revuko.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
2minsforslashingTeam: San Jose Sharks
Pairing: Joe Thornton/Evgeni Nabokov
Rating: R
Summary: Not all in San Jose is sunny as the path to the Stanley Cup proves to be as difficult as ever; falling in love might be the simplest task on this year’s agenda.
Editor:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
sherlockelly, who pushes me to be the best writer I can be.
Last Chapter- Chapter 29
-Chapter XXX-
They made it to the hallway of their floor before they couldn’t keep themselves apart. They had been trading sly glances in the elevator, but knew that the hidden cameras would have captured their every move. Joe pressed Evgeni to the door of their room and kissed him fiercely, the tang of his own come still lingering on the other man’s lips. Evgeni’s untended erection brushed against his thigh, and Joe moved to unzip the pants, but the other man stopped him short.
Blinking in confusion, Joe let his hand drop off to his side, unsure of the reasoning behind Evgeni’s reluctance, but he just smiled tiredly.
“Iya just wanted to do something for yhou,” he stated simply, lifting his hands and running his fingers through Joe’s hair.
“Why?” Joe asked slowly, still not completely understanding why someone would turn down a handjob.
Licking his lips nervously and standing on his toes, Evgeni’s face broke out into a shy but genuine grin as he pressed another kiss to Joe’s lips. “Because yhou make me happy.”
-----
It hit Joe like a ton of bricks. Evgeni was happy. He was making Evgeni happy.
His lips twitched to contain the broad smile wishing to bloom over his face, giddiness expanding in his chest like a balloon. Reaching down again, he pawed at the bulge in Evgeni’s pants, tracing his blunt fingernails over the distinctive shape of the hard cock. Licking his now dry lips, Joe bent down to reconnect their searing kiss, the hot touch of the other man’s rosy lips on his own still tingling like thousands of pinpricks.
His eyes shot open when he was met with the smooth plane of pliable skin, Joe not quite sure as to when he closed his eyes to begin with.
Straightening back up to his full height, he held a good five inches over Evgeni’s slumped stature as the man leaned back against the door; his face turned away, both his lips caught between his teeth. His eyes were vacant, but his hands continued their playful kneading of Joe’s biceps.
He wasn’t completely there… but he wasn’t pushing Joe away. Joe couldn’t tell if that was a good sign or not.
The look was the tiny pierce he needed for the swelling of his happiness within his chest to pop; the splatter of the ruined moment turned to acid, eating away at Joe’s insides until he felt nothing but regret.
A smile formed on Evgeni’s face when he turned back, all teeth and pinched, red cheeks forming under distant eyes. Taking half a step forward, Evgeni circled his arms around the thicker waist, but to Joe, the limbs draped like weights at his hips. He stared holes at the spot where the man was standing moments ago, his heart convulsing with sudden discomfort.
The card slid out of Joe’s slack hand, Evgeni holding it loosely between fingers, opening the door and making his way into the room. He attempted to pull Joe with him, his hand wrapping around the wrist, but Joe wouldn’t budge. He could feel the pulse in Evgeni’s thumb as it rubbed the inside of arm, the major artery beginning to feel uncomfortably fragile that close to the surface of his skin.
If Evgeni should turn around right then, could Joe finally bring himself to actually see him?
Of all things, Joe had felt alive in the club, with its senseless music and its obscene customers. It was an odd thing to feel, considering he was dealing with an angry hard-on for the most of it. Though it was true, and Joe couldn’t help but see the irony in his confliction.
When alive, people are breathing, healthy, stable things. When aroused, they overstep the thin line and into dangerous territory: heart rate shooting to hazardous speeds, body heat rising to feverish states, muscles locking, brain shutting down… as close to death one can truly be without actually dying. And Joe found that he was stuck in the paradox that he had thrust upon himself ever since he allowed Evgeni into his heart.
It had once been a constant effort between them, one of trying to balance give and take, the flow of knowing and acting upon it. The cycle needed both of them, but now it seemed as if the delicate plan had fallen through.
He could still feel the raw electricity course through him, primal hunger for more; a craving for it, but Evgeni’s shadowed eyes had rung loud in Joe’s mind, stating clearly that he didn’t feel the same. He thought Evgeni was better, that the two of them had broken through the unspoken barrier of protection that the man had built around himself; the wall finally turning to dust at their feet.
It appeared as if that could have easily been Joe’s wishful thinking.
Their intertwined existence was the rollercoaster which brought Joe to the cusp of his life, he had to wonder, did he really know anything about the one who made him feel that way?
Did he really get through at all? He had to have, Joe thought… Evgeni had opened up to him that early post-Christmas morning, confiding in him some of his deepest fears. That meant something to Joe, having the wall finally crumble in his hands. Had it not meant something to Evgeni?
The feeling of paranoia sunk lower into his stomach as he watched the other shoot him a worried glance, unknowing of the troubled thoughts that brewed just beneath the surface. How could Evgeni even look at him with concern?
It was then that his mind snagged onto the persistent thought that was floating at the back of his conscience.
Joe almost shivered in disgust with himself; he could barely stand it.
He liked Evgeni, he really did, but what had he brought to this relationship, besides his broken promises?
After Evgeni had finally openly spoken to him without prying, what had Joe done but stand at the perimeter of the nonexistent shield? There had been nothing holding him back from moving forward, but he hadn’t done anything about it. Because that was the goal he set out to make: the goal of tearing down Evgeni’s wall. When he could finally hold Evgeni without the veil of something unspoken between them, Joe couldn’t find it within himself to commit.
He was where he had wanted to be, and there was still the cliff in front of him. He hadn’t planned for the next step; it was something deeper than anything he had dived into before.
So he waited and waited. He waited until the jump had been forced from his mind, and the endless sea of unknown possibilities was miles away. He waited until he forgot all about the leap and was back on solid ground. Something sure and safe, it was something that was used to.
His thoughts narrowed in on the elusive answer to his musings as he sorted through the random ideas that popped into the forefront of his head, and they all began to point in the same direction.
Then, like the flickering lights that had been suddenly surged with power to full luminosity, he knew.
He was the one who had stopped moving forward in their relationship, not Evgeni. He felt something for the man that went far beyond sexual attraction, but so far… the only thing he had done was take.
Evgeni was the one who consented to bottom for their urges, Evgeni was the one confided in Joe his secrets, Evgeni was the one who gave Joe a blowjob in a taxi not an hour ago. The Evgeni he knew was anything but bold and brash, dancing in clubs and giving blowjobs in taxis. He was a totally different person for Joe. He was doing so much for Joe. What was holding him back? That was it, nothing.
He had been a coward.
But he still didn’t know if he could submit like that. Even the frustration of him wanting to be able to do it, if only for Evgeni, didn’t make the idea appealing to him. Maybe one day, hopefully one day, but not now, not today.
And he was still a coward.
Evgeni had been waiting for Joe to meet him halfway for a long time, but Joe had ceased to continue ahead all together. He wanted something more, to catch up to Evgeni, but he just couldn’t fathom how he would get there.
Joe watched, detached, as the man placed the room key lightly on the desk in the room, the plastic landing on the glassy wood with a slap, then, as he disappeared into the open bathroom, turning on the lights and closing the door behind him.
Stepping inside, Joe let the heavy door swing shut as his feet carried him over to one of the beds. He sunk into the mattress until the lush comforter nearly ate him up. Lying on his back, he remained motionless as the darkness hovered over him, the shadows of objects outlined undiscernibly in the edge of his vision. The gush of running water filled the static silence of the room, before the squeak of a handle turning turned the constant hiss into rhythmic pattering. Joe covered his eyes with an arm, suddenly a burden to lift.
When had he relapsed into his previous routine? He wished he could blame the fact that Evgeni never stopped him, but would he actually do that? Not to Evgeni. He trusted Joe; there was no denying that, and then, he supposed, no reason for Evgeni to tell him to stop. He felt like an ass, treating Evgeni no better than a means for his own pleasures; and that the man was standing by to take it because it was his only option apart from being alone.
The drying sweat prickled on his stomach, and the shower in the adjacent room sounded tempting.
It wasn’t much of a compliment, being better than being alone. But that was what Joe knew he had become. Why else would Evgeni still stand to be with him? People just don’t heal overnight, but Joe had pushed the past away when it upset him. But this wasn’t his past to push away. It was Evgeni’s, and he had only become tangled up in the web of it, nothing more. At first he was calm and still, he made sure to help, to be there, and to be the offered shoulder to lean on; he made sure to be a friend. Then after that night in Texas, it had snowballed down from there, and he began to fight. Misunderstandings and remedies found them after Christmas, where Evgeni finally let Joe in.
It was then that he knew Evgeni had trusted him, that Evgeni wasn’t going to leave. Because of that unending faith, something basic to Joe’s programming clicked back into old routines. If he had the trust, then he could stop trying to gain it.
But this wasn’t some girl that Joe hooked up with on a whim. It was as far as possible from that. And quite frankly, Joe didn’t want to stop gaining Evgeni’s trust, or to give anymore reason than he already had for that trust to be broken; it felt like that would be cheating. It was true, wasn’t it? How hard it is to gain trust, and how simple it is to lose it.
Joe’s consciousness and body were functioning as separate parts, and all Joe wanted now was to synchronize the connection once more. He wanted Evgeni to have a better reason to stay than not wanting to be alone. Joe wanted to be that reason; he wanted to be better for Evgeni. He would step over the boundary he had created for himself, if it meant Evgeni wouldn’t be ashamed to take something from Joe. It was time for him to put all of himself into creating something special.
But goddamn he was starting to itch. The fibers of his shirt scratched his skin and the jeans rubbed his sensitive dick until it burned; Joe felt uncomfortable all over.
He started to unbutton his shirt, but his fingers refused to work that delicately. Throwing his arms over his head in frustration, he sat up and ripped the top off his body, casting it aside with a disdainful glare in the inky black emptiness of the room. His chest sighed with relief, but Joe was already kicking the jeans off along with his underwear with his slick back plastered to the sheets once again. The pants fell to the foot of the bed with a heavy ‘thump’ and Joe lay motionless for a second, his breath catching up to him as cool air nipped at his naked body.
He would make it up to Evgeni, and he would commit to taking that final step. The man was his goal now, not the wall Evgeni had created.
But he could make it up to Evgeni later, because at the moment, he needed to take a shower.
Pointing his toes to the ceiling as he stretched out his legs, he groaned with husky delight when he felt the muscles extend, his knees cracking with a satisfying pop. Running an experimental hand over his chest as he sat back up, Joe shivered as the still tingling skin jumped underneath the rough underside of his palm, his nipple perking as he rubbed it with his thumb absentmindedly.
Padding his way to the closed bathroom door, Joe scratched at his chest, vaguely dazed by his recent soul searching. The door opened silently when he pushed it with his hip, his hands preoccupied with exploring the post-orgasm tingle that he had on his skin.
The room was spacious when Joe entered; warm, honey-brown tiles covered the walls and floor. Steam dispersed in the air, sticky and hot, turning to droplets of sweat on his bare skin and managing to make it even more ticklish. The vapor was pouring over from the top of the crystal-like glass door of the shower, a fog of transparent white shrouding the figure standing under the torrent of water that hit the floor like bullets.
Joe stopped; the nagging need of having to wash himself off ebbing away.
Evgeni hadn’t seen him yet, as he had the same blank expression on his face as he did in the hallway, his distant eyes trained on the wall a foot in front of him. Joe caught glimpses of side that was facing to him, wincing when noticed the angry red marks the scalding water left behind.
Dark blond hair was plastered to the man’s furrowed brow. A contemplative look adorned his face briefly before melting away under the cascading shower’s warmth into impassiveness once again. But it wasn’t indifference, was it? He looked… well, sad.
Joe’s eyes widened with his sudden realization and the hand resting on his chest fell boneless to his side. What the hell was he about to do? Evgeni was naked and vulnerable on the other side of that glass, the only barrier between them that was stopping Joe from stepping into the shower with him.
Of course he wasn’t looking to start something in the shower—lord knows how that went last time—but would Evgeni know what he was thinking? His harmless motives of getting clean probably did not appear so innocent if looked at from anyone else’s point of view.
Joe wouldn’t put it past his recent behavior to make it seem like he wanted to have sex nonstop. He didn’t really, but even when he was young, physical actions were the only way Joe knew how to express his endearment. A hug meant ‘you’re nice,’ a kiss meant ‘I like you,’ and sex… well, it meant that Joe was horny, but it was everything that Joe didn’t know how to say in words.
Evgeni was a nice person, and Joe really did like him, and he also wanted to be with him. But maybe not being able to say it as much as he would like, instead of stepping into the shower with an unaware Evgeni, naked as well, was not the best course of action.
It was strange, with anyone else he had been with before, he wouldn’t have hesitated a second before stepping up behind them while they were washing themselves off. But not now, not with Evgeni; Joe was irritated with himself for even considering it with what his mind had just been lecturing on in the other room.
Trying to step out quietly with his back facing the way he had entered, Joe waved his hand behind him in attempt to find the doorknob. In hindsight, this was probably not the best idea if he wanted to be inconspicuous. First with the whack of his hand, the metal clang echoed around the room, and then with the loud hiss that escaped him when the cold bit his flushed skin.
Evgeni’s head snapped up, his eyes refocusing as he turned toward Joe. The wide-eyed deer in the headlights look lingered for a moment before a forced smile stretched across the man’s face. One second longer and the smile was almost believable. His eyes strayed over Joe’s naked form, pointedly staring at the flaccid cock, nestled between the legs. The look made lust curl in his belly, but Joe shoved the inappropriate feelings away. Old habits died hard, he noticed, but he would try, he would fix this for Evgeni, because he deserved the best.
Turning over his old leaf was admirable if he did say so himself, but he just didn’t know how he was going to do it.
Evgeni’s voice was muffled from behind the glass, the pitter-patter of water adding to the fuzzy noise. “Joe?”
“I—” He stopped short, all of his deep thoughts becoming words that he was unable to grasp in his head. “Um… I’m… nevermind.”
“Joe? What is it?” The soft voice sharpened when Evgeni turned off the constant flow of water, the absence of the comforting white noise making Joe feel strangely on-edge.
“It’s just… I’m glad it’s you, ya know?” …Wait, what? What did that even mean? How was he going to tell Evgeni everything that went through his head not minutes ago? Everything he wanted to say, as well as ‘I’ve been so stupid,’ or ‘I haven’t been good enough for you,’ or even ‘I’m sorry.’ He knew Evgeni deserved that at least.
“What? Are yhou feeling all right?”
“Feel horrible, actually. I’m… ehhh.”
“If yhou got me out of the shower for this, then I’m ghoing to go finish—”
“No! That’s not… I can get us some dinner, yeah? Thought ya might be hungry, after, well, tonight ’n all. ’Cause, well, y-ya know.”
“Okay?” Evgeni scoffed with a roll of his eyes, his upper lip curling with impatience. “Iya still don’t know what yhou’re talking about,” he snapped, his hands twitching at his sides, probably itching step out of the shower and shove Joe back into the bedroom.
“No!” he pleaded; he couldn’t apologize if he was in there. “Wait! No! I guess… what I’m tryin’ to say is, well, I-I’m sorry.”
Evgeni was quiet for a minute, his fiery eyes smoldering into an ashy grey, crinkled at the corners with confusion as they scanned over Joe’s surely somber face. “What…?” he asked quietly, the irritation in his expression rolling off his body like the stray beads of water that were dripping down his skin. “Why would yhou be sorry?… A-are yhou leaving?” he added in a shaky voice.
“What? No! ’Course not!”
“Then why are yhou in here?” Evgeni asked, the edge he had in his voice earlier not as hard. He paused, absorbed Joe’s current state of undress, and blushed. “A-and naked, no less.”
Evgeni had gotten the wrong idea, just as Joe had realized about two seconds ago. What would he have gotten into if he hadn’t realized his mistake? He would probably be in the stall with a handful of a confused but painfully willing Evgeni. The thought of interrupting the man’s private moment stung Joe more than he wanted to admit, but he was just glad he didn’t fill hid head with more half-truths than he already accidentally planted there.
“I’m not—! Well, I know what it looks like, but I seriously just wanted ta get cleaned off, yeah?”
“Oh, okay, I guess. Um… I’ll—”
“Maybe— oh, sorry.”
“It’s all right.”
“I’ll let you finish then”
“Yeah… that sounds good.”
Joe stepped out of the bathroom, his blush burning all the way down to his toes. With a shuddering breath, he flopped back against the door after he shut it, scrunching his eyes together and pursing his lips until he heard the reassuring charge of water once again, which was instantly followed by a yelp of “Shit! Cold!” Inside, Joe was laughing at the sudden outburst, but outside, he was too frozen from previous embarrassment to make a sound.
The calloused skin of his hand ticked his beard when he ran his palms over his face in one fluid, sweeping motion. What kind of hockey player would he be if he couldn’t bring himself to forget about the last mistake and only look toward the future? He could do that, easy.
Besides, he and Evgeni had encountered far more awkward situations before, tonight for example… and when Devin caught them rubbing up against each other in the showers. Compared to those times, the last minutes of their interaction were pretty normal for them.
Grabbing his pants off the floor, he pulled them back on, underwear and all, hoping that he looked as decent as he could be in jeans as shredded as the ones he was wearing. He plopped onto the bed and picked up the phone, the menu in his other hand. Double checking that the room service was still available at whatever god-forsaken hour it was then, Joe was pleased to find that The Palace hotel served twenty-four seven.
He skimmed the laminated paper, searching for the two most basic meals for the other man to choose from as he listened to the hollow rings. The line picked up much sooner than what Joe was ready for, but the words ‘the steak and the lemon chicken’ were out of his mouth in a rush for his order. He gave the room number and hung up the phone.
Leaning against the headboard of the bed that was closer to the bathroom, his gaze shot to the television before he nixed the idea. Humming softly as he drummed his fingers to the beat of the shower’s spray, Joe closed his heavy eyes, the events leading up to that moment finally catching up with him.
He couldn’t believe that Devin had managed to drag him and Evgeni to a gay bar in the Castro District to begin with, but when that finally settled, he had been hit with his emotional crisis, which he was still picking at so that he would be ready to prove himself when Evgeni emerged from the bathroom. He hoped that he would have more time to decide what to say than how much time the hotel management had given him to place his order, but considering how long Evgeni took cleaning off, Joe knew that he still had a while to himself.
He was dozing lightly when Evgeni finally sauntered out of the attached room; his previously morose attitude had vanished like the steam that crept through the open door. With a fluffy, china white robe hanging off his shoulders, too bulky for his slim frame, Evgeni shuffled over to the bed that Joe was sitting on, tying the belt around his waist as he did.
Looking up when he reached the side of the bed, Evgeni’s face grew a shy smile, the sides of his lips quirking upwards at a different time. He sunk his hands into the plush mattress to steady himself as he swung a leg over the side of the bed, shuffling on his behind to get closer to the middle. Joe watched, his gut squirming with indecision, as Evgeni settled himself into a comfortable spot, finally crossing his right ankle over his left and linking his hands together in his lap, fumbling a bit as the excess fabric of the robe made his graceful moves look clumsy.
Joe placed a hand on his bare stomach when it lurched in anxiety.
Evgeni’s almond shaped eyes widened with concern at Joe’s discomfort; he leaned forward and hovered for a moment before sitting back, his fingers picking nervously at his nails. His pink lips parted as his tongue swiped out to wet them. “Are… are yhou okay?” he questioned quietly, the false confidence stripping away the longer he sat still.
Joe’s eyebrows knitted together as the man sat upright. “I should be askin’ you that, Yev.”
Grey eyes flashing to blue at the mention of his nickname, Evgeni looked away shortly, shrugging. Joe would know if he didn’t tell the truth, they both knew he would.
“Nothing’s wrong, rheally.”
Apparently that didn’t mean that Evgeni wasn’t going to try. Huffing with disappointment, Joe pushed back into the headboard, wincing slightly when the engravings dug into the bones of his vertebrae.
“So I guess I should start then, yeah?”
Evgeni nodded, but didn’t look up from his hands.
“I feel like…” Joe paused. What did he feel like? None of his thoughts made sense now, when he finally wanted to put them to use. They just felt like they would be meaningless the moment they left his mouth. Basics, he thought, start with something simple. “I barely know you and that’s just, I mean, weird for how far we are… I think, well, I should get to know ya better, right?”
“What do yhou mean?”
“Like, I don’t even know anything about you…well, besides that you’re fun to be around, and I like talking to you, and just… I dunno. You just deserve more than what I’ve been giving.” Joe wanted to punch something in his frustration. His words weren’t sounding right at all.
“Joe…” Evgeni trailed off, his cheeks stained bright red. He fiddled with his fingers that were twisted in his lap; his eyes were downcast, but Joe could see the flattery reflected in the man’s shy smile that he tried to hide. “Yhou don’t need to say that.”
“Yes I do! Yevi, I haven’t kept my promise. And that’s why I’m sorry… for using you.” And then it was out. Short and simple, his system had rid itself of the parasitic words that had been festering inside him. He felt relieved, and so, so much more burdened at the same time. What was Evgeni going to respond to his foolish apology?
“I didn’t whant you to leave,” the other croaked out.
“Huh?” his utterance wavered pitifully in the stale air of the hotel room.
“That’s what’s wrong. Ever since Christmas I felt I whas losing you. That’s why—” he choked on his words, his jaw working as he bit the inside of his cheek. “I thought it whas all you wanted, but Iya still wanted to be with you… so I did what whould make you stay.”
Then he had been partially right, he had been an unemotional bastard lately. “Oh—”
“It sounds pathetic, I know. But—” he sighed heavily and looked away with embarrassment. “I told yhou already, Joe. I’m nhot any happier than when I am with yhou.”
“I don’t want ya to think that I can’t put myself into this, too. I mean, you’ve done so much already, and I… I’m sorry that I haven’t committed, not really.”
“Yhou don’t need to get sappy now.”
“I haven’t been for a while. T’night and then I’m done, promise.”
Evgeni looked up from his hands with sad reluctance shining behind his foggy eyes. “…Will yhou keep that promise too?” It was evident that he was bitter, not wanting to believe in Joe so easily again, but Joe wanted to show the other how he was going to come through.
“I’m gonna keep all of my promises.” He was sure of it.
“Iya hope you do.”
It was then that a knock at the door sounded, curt, sharp raps on the thick wood. Joe glanced toward it then back to Evgeni, a silent question for his excuse so that he could answer it.
Evgeni sucked his bottom lip between his teeth and nodded, his eyes glinting in the sparse light as he watched Joe pull himself from the bed they were sitting on.
“You should… prob’ly stay in the bathroom,” Joe whispered slowly, eyeing the door carefully as if he could see the hotel employee through the plane of wood.
The other man’s lips formed into a perfect ‘O’ of realization, nodding more vigorously and following suit in standing up. Joe waited, smiling, as Evgeni flattened out the rumbled bathrobe that he had thrown on haphazardly. Glancing up when he believed himself suitable, the grey eyes flashed with surprise at the close proximity of their faces; Joe wanted to laugh at that, the strange endearing quality of the man’s jumpiness, but he knew that Evgeni would take it the wrong way.
Instead, his lips stretched to accommodate a broader smile, his eyes drooping as the muscles wound tightly within him relaxed, Evgeni’s hesitant returned grin putting him at ease.
“I promise,” he whispered, lifting a hand to swipe at the fringe covering the man’s eyebrows, tucking the stray behind the ears, ignoring the fact that the hair bounced right back into its usual disarray. Pressing his brow to Evgeni’s, Joe wove his fingers through the silky stands at the side of the man’s head. He felt the body heat through his fingertips, rushing up his arms and warming his chest, surging upwards and melting where they were connected at the forehead, continuing the cycle of whisper light, pleasurable sensations.
Another knock at the door, louder this time, pulled Joe away, but not before he leaned in to place a quick peck on Evgeni’s nose. Blinking rapidly, Evgeni scrunched his face like a cat’s, Joe chuckling as he dropped his arms to grab a sleeve of the robe, pulling the man along as he made his way toward the entryway. Coming around, Evgeni shot Joe a half-hearted glare that couldn’t have even been taken seriously by Vlasic and slipped into the bathroom.
Joe laughed in return, shaking his head and running the flat of his tongue over his lips, the taste of Evgeni’s freshly clean skin still remaining.
Flicking on the lights with the side of his finger, Joe opened the door and stood before the room service, dressed smartly in his red uniform. He was a boy in his mid-twenties with a scowl that crossed his young features, poised to knock one more time.
His displeasure for waiting was evident, but it quickly dispersed into an open-mouthed stare. “Y-y-you’re J-Joe—”
“Yeah, um… hey there.” Great, of course he wasn’t going to not be recognized that night. Well, Joe supposed he should be thankful that it wasn’t at the bar earlier.
“I’m so sorry for making you wait Jumbo— Mr. Thornton! Sorry! If I had known, I wouldn’t have taken so long!”
So long? He could have sworn that it had only been twenty minutes, tops. Joe furrowed his brow and pinched the bridge of his nose when he could make out Evgeni’s muffled sniggering from the bathroom.
“It’s a’right, kid, I understand ya have to make it.” He didn’t mean to sound rude, but this guy was making it difficult when he was already being placed on a pedestal for being who he was.
The boy nodded his head dumbly, his hands clenching and unclenching around the cart handle. Pointedly looking at the covered trays of food on the cart, Joe scratched his neck uncomfortably and swung a hand toward it. “Um…”
Having the decency to look sheepish, the boy snapped from his star-struck gaze and flushed. “O-of course, Mr. Thornton.”
“Please, name’s Joe,” he mumbled as he followed the boy back into his room. “That makes me sound so… old.”
Ignoring the request, the boy glanced about the room, taking in the two beds and the rumbled sheets on the one nearest them as he set up the dinner. “Ohhh, I got it, perks of being famous I guess. Nice!” He shot a suggestive look, and Joe was washed over with disgust.
“ ’M here with my date, not a secret romp on the town,” Joe ground out, deadpanned.
The forced tenor in his voice shook the boy like a leaf and silenced the barely audible snickers in the background.
“I d-didn’t mean—”
“I know what you ’ere thinking, and I wouldn’tve called room service if it was.” He had never felt so hostile toward hotel staff in his life. He felt sort of bad, but the kid was seriously pushing all the wrong buttons; not to mention that he was insinuating that Joe was bedding women left and right.
The rest of the meal was set up in silence, the boy not finding the courage to apologize or look in Joe’s direction as he walked by the offered tip, obviously ashamed of his thoughtless words.
When the door clicked shut behind him, Evgeni was out of the bathroom in a second, his arms crossed as a mocking smile graced his face. “My hero,” he drawled, the sarcasm dripping from his voice like thick honey as he padded toward the thrown together fancy dinner.
“Well, ya know, the kid was talkin’ like I had some cheap whore here, er somethin’.”
Evgeni burst out with a bark of a laugh, shaking his head at Joe’s choice words.
Joe blushed and waved his hands defensively in front of his chest. “I didn’t mean—!”
“I’m kidding, Joe!… Now… which one is mhine?” he asked with a raised eyebrow, his pointed finger moving between the steak with mashed potatoes and the lemon chicken with asparagus, his gaze staring at the second plate with longing.
“I’m guessing ya want the chicken?”
“I whant the asparagus, yes.”
Joe laughed and waved the other man on. “Take it.”
Trying without success to roll up his sleeves, Evgeni huffed, letting his arms flop to his side and looking about the room, his eyes falling on Joe’s rumbled shirt on the floor. Without a word, he walked deliberately toward the pile and dropped his robe. Joe blushed furiously at the sight, spinning around on his heel and trying without success to put all of his thoughts onto salting his steak.
When Evgeni came back into the edge of Joe’s vision, he chanced a glance up to see the man drowning in the buttoned up shirt that he, himself had been wearing earlier. He raised a questioning eyebrow, but Evgeni just took his plate without a word and settled back into his earlier spot on the bed, legs crossed and plate in his lap. Turning around after a moment, he set his fork down and waited for Joe to join him.
Kicking off the formfitting jeans, Joe picked up his dinner and stood next to the bed. “Thing barely fits you!” he chuckled as he sat across from the other man, the bed bouncing with their combined weight. “Devin’s biggest shirt, I guess.”
“Bhetter than sleeping in that,” Evgeni spat, jerking his head in the direction of the overly fluffy bathrobe.
“Aw, I think the shirt’s cute on you,” Joe cooed in just a way that he knew the other man would blanch at.
Evgeni cringed, just as Joe predicted, and ducked his head to hide the blossoming blush that adorned his cheeks as he began to cut his chicken into small pieces.
They ate in silence, both of them taking the time to enjoy their food, neither realizing how hungry they both were until the first bite hit their tongues.
After finishing off his chicken, Evgeni picked at a stock of asparagus with his fingers, rolling it between his thumb and forefinger, a smile blooming over his face as he played with his food. Joe had never seen the man so excited over the concept of eating.
“You gonna eat it or feel it up?” Joe prodded with a laugh, leaning back against the headboard of the bed as Evgeni’s tore his eyes away from his hands.
“Hmm?” the man replied, his expression sparkling with confusion as his head quirked to the side.
“Yer asparagus, Yev! Jeez, I haven’t seen ya that excited since a shutout!” Joe rolled his eyes though smiled all the same. He was exaggerating of course, but seriously, Evgeni was one step away from making out with the damn thing. And Joe wasn’t going to let himself be jealous over a vegetable, dammit.
“Oh!” Evgeni exclaimed with realization, shoving the green into his mouth before he wiped his hand on the napkin laid out over his folded lap. “I haven’t had it in a while, Iya love asparagus.” The word sounded appealing just from the way it rolled off Evgeni’s tongue, lazy accent of slurred vowels and all.
“Really? I never knew that.” Joe was once again drawn to finding out the other things that he didn’t know, disappointed with himself for finally wanting to learn the subtle aspects of Evgeni, but excited that he was going to start the path toward building a stronger relationship at all. “What else do you love?” Oh God. Joe wasn’t expecting the question to tumble out of his mouth so flippantly. He wanted a build up, of suspense, of his courage, he wasn’t completely sure, it just seemed like it was needed! And now it was already out in the open, unable to be taken back.
“Huh?” The other appeared to be just as confused as Joe was, Evgeni’s head cocking in the other direction like a dog’s, his hands moving to settle on the bed to prop himself up. “What?”
“I mean… uhhhh…” That was smooth, Joe grumbled to himself as he threw his arms about in the air, as if fishing for something to say with his hands. “I dunno, things you love, things ya don’t love. Things I don’t know about you that ya think I should.” At least the new plan was going smoothly so far, he sighed with relief to himself.
Evgeni frowned at the words, and Joe’s slowly expanding relief began to recede.
“Iya… don’t…? Is there anything that yhou need to know?” Oh, he was just perplexed by Joe’s sudden change in topics, that was understandable, Joe did it a lot, and confused himself more often than not when he did.
“I guess, huh— Wait, got one! I want to know yer favorite color.” That was simple enough! And something that Joe was inwardly shaking his head at himself for not knowing already.
“That’s it?” Evgeni’s frown lightened, the only trace of it remaining was the crease in his brow and pout to his bowed lips.
“I never said I was soul searching.” He did enough of that on his own that night, thanks.
“Then I’d probhably go with teal.”
Of all the colors that Joe thought Evgeni would like, that was probably the last on Joe’s list. He was thinking more like black, or white. Not something as flamboyant as the Shark’s identity; it was probably even deep pacific teal, to be more accurate. “…Seriously?”
“Yes? Is that bad?”
“I just… it’s just I didn’t know ya were so gung-ho for the team!” He was just more surprised than anything.
“It used to be red, bhut the teal grew on me, I couldn’t help it.”
“But…” Joe huffed and threw a hand in the air with a wild gesture. “It’s so cliché!” Right when he said it, Joe knew where the conversation was headed. Only Evgeni was sly enough to use his words against him.
“Well, what’s yhour favorite color, Joe? If mine is so ‘cliché’, yhours must be ‘practical’.” The words rolled of Evgeni’s tongue like steam, smooth and scolding at the same time. His eyebrows were raised with silent mirth, already soaking up the feeling of victory.
“No, no, it’s okay.” Joe flushed for a second, knowing his choice wasn’t much better. It was just annoying that Evgeni knew; which made admitting it all the more painful.
“Oh but Joe, Iya have the right to know!” Oh, that cunning bastard, playing ignorant. But Joe knew when he couldn’t dig himself out of that mess.
“It’sorange,” he mumbled, refusing to meet the other man’s growing smile.
“What whas that? I’m sorry, Iya didn’t understand!” Oh, his sympathy was overwhelming.
“Orange,” Joe grunted, his mind imagining right away the orange detailing on their jerseys, not helping in defending his case at all.
“Wow! You see, now that’s funny, Iya thought orange was part of our colors too!”
“It is.”
Evgeni bounced in his spot and shook the mattress, capturing Joe’s attention as he celebrated to himself. “Yhou’re right, this is fun!”
Joe hung his head and smiled.
Evgeni spoke up next, hit with the inspiration to play along with Joe after he outwitted the maker of the game. “Iya love it when you call me ‘Yevi’,” he admitted, his face a bright pink when Joe lifted his head up from his chest. Joe made a note to himself to use the name more often. “And, um, Iya love my mother’s cooking.”
Joe smiled, throwing one in of his own. “I love playin’ Risk.” Evgeni rolled his eyes at that one. Setting his empty plate on the bedside table, Joe waved for Evgeni to hand him his, who kept on talking as he took another asparagus before giving his plate to over.
“Iya love raspberries, and um… bheating our teammates at ping pong?”
“You are pretty good at that, gotta say. Um… I love… uhhhh…”
“Canada!” Evgeni exclaimed, his brightly flushed face slipping into an easy smile as he found himself pulled into the game.
Joe snorted, his head knocking against the headboard as he threw it back in laughter. “Sure, why not. And you love where you ’ere born.” Evgeni glowered between Joes pause, daring him to say it. “Good ol’ Russia.” The other man nodded approvingly and settled back down, having been ready to defend his nationality once more.
Mellowing out his voice, Evgeni sat back and rubbed the base of his neck. “Iya love that I’m the fhirst one out of the shark head when we play at home,” Evgeni muttered, the pink dusting his face growing into an all out red.
“I love bein’ right behind ya in it!” Joe laughed, recalling the first game back on home ice, when he skated out of the locker room and through the gateway of their iconic shark, the crowd roaring with excitement. The first game back through it was the best, but not far behind was every other game. Joe thought himself lucky to be the one behind Evgeni, so that they could share the adrenaline rush almost simultaneously.
“Iya love Wedding Crashers.”
“I love… Borat.” The flush on Evgeni’s face turned to one of anger at Joe’s words. “Aww, I’m kidding, come on!” The man growled dangerously and turned his head away, his nose in the air and arms crossed indignantly over his chest.
“I dhon’t love Borat.”
“Fair enough. Um… I love… that I was dumped fer good this summer. ’Cause if I wasn’t, I might’ve never been with you.”
Evgeni blushed at the hidden compliment, watching curiously as the last of the sentence left Joe’s mouth. His face grew serious for a moment after though, as if he was revisiting darker memories, and he sighed heavily when the look passed.
Not sure what to make of the look, Joe continued, “Since, you know, we had an on ’n off thing goin’ and—” But he was interrupted quickly.
“I… Iya was in love Warren. I think.”
Joe didn’t know what to say to that. He wanted to believe that he didn’t know who Evgeni was talking about, but deep in his gut he knew that he did. “…What?”
“Iya liked—”
“No, no, I got that. You mean Warren Warren? Yer old goalie coach?” Joe asked, caught off-guard by the sudden announcement. It couldn’t have been, it just… it didn’t make any sense! From the few years that Joe had known him, sure, Warren was a nice guy, always upbeat with a smile on his face, always pushing Evgeni to be better. Joe just couldn’t see how Evgeni would even begin to think that way! The man was at the ripe old age of seventy-three in 2007 when he passed away; Evgeni was just about thirty then.
“Iya shouldn’t have said that, sorry.”
“Yevi… it’s okay, I don’t mind.” And he didn’t. He wasn’t one to judge; he was just confused, was all. Confused to how something that complicated could even come about in the first place.
“Iya… well, I whasn’t exactly in love with him, bhut I more than liked him.” He shifted uncomfortably. “He whas the only one who believed in me before I whas drafted, even though Iya was just a kid then, playing in Russia.” A faraway look glazed over his eyes, his stormy greys becoming an unsettling filmy off-white when he fell to his own memories. “And no one believed him, about me being a prospect. I whas what? Two-hundred something in the draft of the ninth rhound? Yhou wouldn’t understand that, being the first pick, the worry of jhust being sent down to the minors without a second thought ever again. Forgotten.”
“That’s not my fault…”
“And I’m nhot saying it is! It’s jhust that Iya wouldn’t have even made it there without his pushing. And now, look where I am. The fhucking NHL. And it’s all thanks to him. I jhust… I wish that I could have won him a cup before he…” he swallowed the word that was threatening to come out, the word that appeared to remain deeply imbedded in Evgeni’s sorrow. “Well, yhou know.” Died.
“Maybe it was just, I don’t know, like, a hero-worship thing? I mean he was, what, at least thirty-eight years older than you?”
“Ah— haha! A little older actually… and it’s possible; probhably started that way. Yhou don’t understand; Iya never chose to love him, and Iya wished that I really didn’t at times… but when he believed in me, it was like I whas the only important thing in the world, and I couldn’t help it. Iya never felt that way before. I whas so happy; it didn’t matter how old he was. It was like he whas always forty, full of energy bhut old enough to know what he was talking about—” he drifted off then, taking the time to inspect his tightly clench fists in his lap. When he spoke again, he was quiet and timid; “Even up to the lhast time we talked, h-he never s-seemed sick.”
“Oh. I-I’m sorry, Yev.” He coughed to fill the overwhelming quiet, rubbing the back of his knuckles with his thumb. He had heard Evgeni sad before, seen him weep and hurt, but never had he ever heard Evgeni this broken. “Did you…?”
“Iya kissed him. Once.”
Woah, he was not expecting that. “And—?”
“He didn’t, well, hit me or anything. But he was married, Joe! What whas he supposed to do?” Evgeni hiccupped at the end of his words, his breath catching in his throat as he grew more emotional. “He jhust waited until I stopped, and when he lhooked at me, Iya could see he was sorry, but he didn’t fheel the same way.” He was whispering now, not looking at Joe as he talked, as if he was revealing a horrible secret. Maybe… to Evgeni, this secret was horrible. It was something that he knew he could never get back; especially now. “I think… I think he knew before that though; think he always knew. Even that Iya never stopped liking him in that way. Bhut he stayed, a-and that was enough.” Despite the heartbreak in his voice, Joe could see the bliss that eased Evgeni’s shoulders when he remembered the better times with his late-goaltending coach.
They both were quite as Joe soaked in the confessed secret that Evgeni had harbored for so long.
“Iya… never told anyone that before.” Swallowing, Evgeni’s eyes flickered toward Joe’s before he flinched and turned away. “I think… I told yhou because… you make me feel the same way.”
Joe froze. “Same… way?” As in more than liking him? On the path to something so much more than that?
“Iya think… I could… yeah.”
“Oh.” That was the scariest thing Joe had ever heard, and it was the most amazing thing he had ever heard. To be someone’s everything? Even if it was just a tendril of smoke, something that was there, but something no one could grasp, just a possibility? Would he be able to be brave for Evgeni so that Joe himself could feel the same way?
“Sorry—”
“I don’t wanna be ‘just enough’. ’M not just gonna not leave you, I wanna do more than stay.”
Yes, Joe knew he could do that.
Evgeni laughed and gasped at the same time, sounding almost hysterical as a dubious look entered his sad, grey eyes. “What? Are yhou suggesting we should be, Iya don’t know, something silly, like boyfriends or something?” he continued to chuckle, finding humor in his reluctant words.
“Do ya want ta be?”
“Be what?”
Joe hid his scowl; he didn’t want to go repeating it because the thought made him want to flush violently. “Boyfriends,” he ground out. It sounded so childish when it flopped off his tongue, how a prepubescent would say it, uncomfortable in his own skin.
But the same word that made Joe squeamish just a moment ago, made Evgeni’s shadowed face light up, as if the sun was shining all its light on him. Suddenly, the concept of the two of them finally announcing their relationship, to each other at least, made Joe’s face break out into a matching smile. His cheeks began to ache with how much they bunched to accommodate his ridiculous grin, but he couldn’t find it within himself to stop, not when Evgeni was looking at him like that, as if he was the only person in the world.
And then he realized why Evgeni was so drawn to Warren. It was stronger than anything he had felt before, and Joe vowed to himself at the moment that he would never take what the other man gave to him for granted. Be it a hug, the sex, or just a passing glance, all of them together made Evgeni Evgeni. Joe never wanted to let any of it go.
“R-really?” The man bit his bottom lip as he tended to do when he was nervous or confused. His big, round eyes blinked owlishly as his skin broke out into a wild blush at the awed tone in his voice. “I-I-Iya mean, I whouldn’t, um, m-mind, if that’s what yhou mean. Yhou wouldn’t want to be though, w-whould you?” The hopefulness in his words was undeniable, and Joe had never wanted more to prove Evgeni wrong.
“Absolutely! I wanna be with you, Yev, be more than ‘enough’.”
“Oh, Joe.” He sighed with so much released emotion that Joe was sure the weight of the world had been lifted off Evgeni’s heavy soul. “Yhou already are.”
Stretching out from his slouched position, Evgeni crawled up the bed slowly on all fours, the springs whining beneath his weight. Joe sat up straighter so that the man to scoot in close, his legs flopping open. Evgeni placed his hands on Joe’s stomach, the muscles jumping at the light touch. The loose sleeves brushed against the sensitive skin of Joe’s inner thighs, only managing to bead sweat at his hairline. He was going to be good, he had to be.
The man stopped fussing and perched himself with his legs curled underneath his body, folded nicely to sit as close as he was without actually sitting on Joe’s lap. He watched Evgeni’s next move curiously; the hands at on his stomach were flexing, the warmth of the palms seeping though his thin skin and sinking into his gut. They weren’t groping, they weren’t fondling, and Joe reasoned this with his protesting mind until it finally backed down, and his budding arousal subsiding. There was a distinct difference between touches and touching, Joe realized. He wasn’t going to pave out a smooth road for their relationship if he didn’t discipline himself with that fact soon.
Evgeni’s eyes swirled and his hands twittered, but he was determined, Joe could see it. Licking his lips, Evgeni leaned forward and placed a hesitant, sealed kiss against Joe’s close mouth. He shut his eyes, letting Evgeni overtake him.
The lips were pillowy and soft against his; they were pressed together tightly, leaving no room for any thoughts of tongue. It wasn’t a tease for more, nor was it an invitation to start something. It was a promise from one hopeful man to another, a promise that they would get through their hardships together, a promise like all the others that Joe intended to keep.
Slightly trembling hands laced behind his neck, pulling him down into the soft sheets as Evgeni guided him, falling gracefully into the bed, the springs moaning in protest. Cracking his eyes open, Joe caught the fierce flash of confidence in Evgeni’s stubborn expression, complete with a creased brow, rounded eyes, and bitten lips. Sleep lingered at the edge of Joe’s thoughts, threatening to overtake him any moment. Though at the same time, he fought off the slumber vehemently, pushing for every next second to be in the arms of the other man.
On his way down, Joe flicked the switch next to the bed so that the room was plunged into black. Giggling in the darkness, Evgeni pulled Joe closer, their combined warmth certainly making latter spiral faster into the clutches of his dreams. They hit the bed, facing each other on their sides, and the vague details of Evgeni’s face swam into focus as Joe’s pupils adjusted to the lack of light. He grinned tiredly and circled an arm around the subtle concave curve of Evgeni’s waist, the pads of his fingers pressing feather-light into the thin material of Devin’s shirt that the man had taken to wearing for the night.
With his free left hand, Joe tucked the crown of Evgeni’s head under his chin, purring like a satiated cat when the man coiled up against his body. From Evgeni’s waist, Joe’s hand ran down to the man’s knee as it slid up to lay on his hip. Fingers skimming back up, Joe could feel where the taut flesh became silky shirt, hiked temptingly high on the thigh. But Joe picked up his hand before the material could bunch any further, replacing it on the small of the waist that was covered completely.
Their breathing shallowed the longer that they lied there together, wrapped in each other’s arms as tightly as Joe held Evgeni on the first day their lives crashed together as the beginning of the new chapter of their lives.
Before he had been scared for his friend; now, Joe just wanted to hold Evgeni as long as he could, feel that heat that grew wherever they touched, but that also grew in his chest. He didn’t know what to call that feeling, not yet at least.
So for the moment, he let that calming blanket of heat wrap around him just as Evgeni was. It ebbed at the edges of his awakened state like the peaceful tides, and he remained in the crossroad of dream and reality for mere moments before he was pulled in and carried off to sleep.
-----
Evgeni was lying on his side for a while, watching as every muscle in Joe’s face began to relax, waiting still until he was sure that the other man was truly asleep.
The shine of the outside world created a strip of washed out light peeking through the space were the curtains didn’t completely meet. It stretched out over the entire room, a sword cutting through the darkness, passing over Evgeni and Joe harmlessly, keeping the shadows at bay while they lied together, tangled in each other’s arms.
He blinked once, and then twice, biting his lip as a burst of foolish confidence rose within him as he stared at the serine face of the man he had become so attached to. Shifting back as to capture the entirety of Joe’s peaceful state in his vision, while his arms remained looped around the sturdy neck, Evgeni’s breath stopped short.
He didn’t know where this sudden rush of power and powerlessness that swept over him had come from. His limps were cold, but his chest… his chest was burning. It was as if the sun had taken refuge in his heart, beating in time with his pulse as it became a part of him, instead of being the one to swallow Evgeni. He fed of the energy, the surge of warm, tingly bliss that he just wanted to bask in forever. He opened his mouth.
Evgeni didn’t know what he was going to say until he said it, but when it was whispered off his lips, he knew it was the truth. He didn’t know it was the truth until then, never even knew that it was a possibility. But there he was, speaking to himself while at the same time announcing it to the world; he wasn’t going to take it back.
“And I love yhou.”
When it was out, Evgeni hugged the warm body closer to him, not worried that Joe would leave, but simply because Joe was his sun, his everything, and holding that made Evgeni fall in love all over again, even though he wasn’t completely sure when he fell in love with Joe in the first place.
-----
To be Continued
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Who is Warren?
Hmmm. Boys are growing up! Thoughts?
P.S. 30 chapters like woah.
Pairing: Joe Thornton/Evgeni Nabokov
Rating: R
Summary: Not all in San Jose is sunny as the path to the Stanley Cup proves to be as difficult as ever; falling in love might be the simplest task on this year’s agenda.
Editor:
sherlockelly, who pushes me to be the best writer I can be. Last Chapter- Chapter 29
-Chapter XXX-
They made it to the hallway of their floor before they couldn’t keep themselves apart. They had been trading sly glances in the elevator, but knew that the hidden cameras would have captured their every move. Joe pressed Evgeni to the door of their room and kissed him fiercely, the tang of his own come still lingering on the other man’s lips. Evgeni’s untended erection brushed against his thigh, and Joe moved to unzip the pants, but the other man stopped him short.
Blinking in confusion, Joe let his hand drop off to his side, unsure of the reasoning behind Evgeni’s reluctance, but he just smiled tiredly.
“Iya just wanted to do something for yhou,” he stated simply, lifting his hands and running his fingers through Joe’s hair.
“Why?” Joe asked slowly, still not completely understanding why someone would turn down a handjob.
Licking his lips nervously and standing on his toes, Evgeni’s face broke out into a shy but genuine grin as he pressed another kiss to Joe’s lips. “Because yhou make me happy.”
-----
It hit Joe like a ton of bricks. Evgeni was happy. He was making Evgeni happy.
His lips twitched to contain the broad smile wishing to bloom over his face, giddiness expanding in his chest like a balloon. Reaching down again, he pawed at the bulge in Evgeni’s pants, tracing his blunt fingernails over the distinctive shape of the hard cock. Licking his now dry lips, Joe bent down to reconnect their searing kiss, the hot touch of the other man’s rosy lips on his own still tingling like thousands of pinpricks.
His eyes shot open when he was met with the smooth plane of pliable skin, Joe not quite sure as to when he closed his eyes to begin with.
Straightening back up to his full height, he held a good five inches over Evgeni’s slumped stature as the man leaned back against the door; his face turned away, both his lips caught between his teeth. His eyes were vacant, but his hands continued their playful kneading of Joe’s biceps.
He wasn’t completely there… but he wasn’t pushing Joe away. Joe couldn’t tell if that was a good sign or not.
The look was the tiny pierce he needed for the swelling of his happiness within his chest to pop; the splatter of the ruined moment turned to acid, eating away at Joe’s insides until he felt nothing but regret.
A smile formed on Evgeni’s face when he turned back, all teeth and pinched, red cheeks forming under distant eyes. Taking half a step forward, Evgeni circled his arms around the thicker waist, but to Joe, the limbs draped like weights at his hips. He stared holes at the spot where the man was standing moments ago, his heart convulsing with sudden discomfort.
The card slid out of Joe’s slack hand, Evgeni holding it loosely between fingers, opening the door and making his way into the room. He attempted to pull Joe with him, his hand wrapping around the wrist, but Joe wouldn’t budge. He could feel the pulse in Evgeni’s thumb as it rubbed the inside of arm, the major artery beginning to feel uncomfortably fragile that close to the surface of his skin.
If Evgeni should turn around right then, could Joe finally bring himself to actually see him?
Of all things, Joe had felt alive in the club, with its senseless music and its obscene customers. It was an odd thing to feel, considering he was dealing with an angry hard-on for the most of it. Though it was true, and Joe couldn’t help but see the irony in his confliction.
When alive, people are breathing, healthy, stable things. When aroused, they overstep the thin line and into dangerous territory: heart rate shooting to hazardous speeds, body heat rising to feverish states, muscles locking, brain shutting down… as close to death one can truly be without actually dying. And Joe found that he was stuck in the paradox that he had thrust upon himself ever since he allowed Evgeni into his heart.
It had once been a constant effort between them, one of trying to balance give and take, the flow of knowing and acting upon it. The cycle needed both of them, but now it seemed as if the delicate plan had fallen through.
He could still feel the raw electricity course through him, primal hunger for more; a craving for it, but Evgeni’s shadowed eyes had rung loud in Joe’s mind, stating clearly that he didn’t feel the same. He thought Evgeni was better, that the two of them had broken through the unspoken barrier of protection that the man had built around himself; the wall finally turning to dust at their feet.
It appeared as if that could have easily been Joe’s wishful thinking.
Their intertwined existence was the rollercoaster which brought Joe to the cusp of his life, he had to wonder, did he really know anything about the one who made him feel that way?
Did he really get through at all? He had to have, Joe thought… Evgeni had opened up to him that early post-Christmas morning, confiding in him some of his deepest fears. That meant something to Joe, having the wall finally crumble in his hands. Had it not meant something to Evgeni?
The feeling of paranoia sunk lower into his stomach as he watched the other shoot him a worried glance, unknowing of the troubled thoughts that brewed just beneath the surface. How could Evgeni even look at him with concern?
It was then that his mind snagged onto the persistent thought that was floating at the back of his conscience.
Joe almost shivered in disgust with himself; he could barely stand it.
He liked Evgeni, he really did, but what had he brought to this relationship, besides his broken promises?
After Evgeni had finally openly spoken to him without prying, what had Joe done but stand at the perimeter of the nonexistent shield? There had been nothing holding him back from moving forward, but he hadn’t done anything about it. Because that was the goal he set out to make: the goal of tearing down Evgeni’s wall. When he could finally hold Evgeni without the veil of something unspoken between them, Joe couldn’t find it within himself to commit.
He was where he had wanted to be, and there was still the cliff in front of him. He hadn’t planned for the next step; it was something deeper than anything he had dived into before.
So he waited and waited. He waited until the jump had been forced from his mind, and the endless sea of unknown possibilities was miles away. He waited until he forgot all about the leap and was back on solid ground. Something sure and safe, it was something that was used to.
His thoughts narrowed in on the elusive answer to his musings as he sorted through the random ideas that popped into the forefront of his head, and they all began to point in the same direction.
Then, like the flickering lights that had been suddenly surged with power to full luminosity, he knew.
He was the one who had stopped moving forward in their relationship, not Evgeni. He felt something for the man that went far beyond sexual attraction, but so far… the only thing he had done was take.
Evgeni was the one who consented to bottom for their urges, Evgeni was the one confided in Joe his secrets, Evgeni was the one who gave Joe a blowjob in a taxi not an hour ago. The Evgeni he knew was anything but bold and brash, dancing in clubs and giving blowjobs in taxis. He was a totally different person for Joe. He was doing so much for Joe. What was holding him back? That was it, nothing.
He had been a coward.
But he still didn’t know if he could submit like that. Even the frustration of him wanting to be able to do it, if only for Evgeni, didn’t make the idea appealing to him. Maybe one day, hopefully one day, but not now, not today.
And he was still a coward.
Evgeni had been waiting for Joe to meet him halfway for a long time, but Joe had ceased to continue ahead all together. He wanted something more, to catch up to Evgeni, but he just couldn’t fathom how he would get there.
Joe watched, detached, as the man placed the room key lightly on the desk in the room, the plastic landing on the glassy wood with a slap, then, as he disappeared into the open bathroom, turning on the lights and closing the door behind him.
Stepping inside, Joe let the heavy door swing shut as his feet carried him over to one of the beds. He sunk into the mattress until the lush comforter nearly ate him up. Lying on his back, he remained motionless as the darkness hovered over him, the shadows of objects outlined undiscernibly in the edge of his vision. The gush of running water filled the static silence of the room, before the squeak of a handle turning turned the constant hiss into rhythmic pattering. Joe covered his eyes with an arm, suddenly a burden to lift.
When had he relapsed into his previous routine? He wished he could blame the fact that Evgeni never stopped him, but would he actually do that? Not to Evgeni. He trusted Joe; there was no denying that, and then, he supposed, no reason for Evgeni to tell him to stop. He felt like an ass, treating Evgeni no better than a means for his own pleasures; and that the man was standing by to take it because it was his only option apart from being alone.
The drying sweat prickled on his stomach, and the shower in the adjacent room sounded tempting.
It wasn’t much of a compliment, being better than being alone. But that was what Joe knew he had become. Why else would Evgeni still stand to be with him? People just don’t heal overnight, but Joe had pushed the past away when it upset him. But this wasn’t his past to push away. It was Evgeni’s, and he had only become tangled up in the web of it, nothing more. At first he was calm and still, he made sure to help, to be there, and to be the offered shoulder to lean on; he made sure to be a friend. Then after that night in Texas, it had snowballed down from there, and he began to fight. Misunderstandings and remedies found them after Christmas, where Evgeni finally let Joe in.
It was then that he knew Evgeni had trusted him, that Evgeni wasn’t going to leave. Because of that unending faith, something basic to Joe’s programming clicked back into old routines. If he had the trust, then he could stop trying to gain it.
But this wasn’t some girl that Joe hooked up with on a whim. It was as far as possible from that. And quite frankly, Joe didn’t want to stop gaining Evgeni’s trust, or to give anymore reason than he already had for that trust to be broken; it felt like that would be cheating. It was true, wasn’t it? How hard it is to gain trust, and how simple it is to lose it.
Joe’s consciousness and body were functioning as separate parts, and all Joe wanted now was to synchronize the connection once more. He wanted Evgeni to have a better reason to stay than not wanting to be alone. Joe wanted to be that reason; he wanted to be better for Evgeni. He would step over the boundary he had created for himself, if it meant Evgeni wouldn’t be ashamed to take something from Joe. It was time for him to put all of himself into creating something special.
But goddamn he was starting to itch. The fibers of his shirt scratched his skin and the jeans rubbed his sensitive dick until it burned; Joe felt uncomfortable all over.
He started to unbutton his shirt, but his fingers refused to work that delicately. Throwing his arms over his head in frustration, he sat up and ripped the top off his body, casting it aside with a disdainful glare in the inky black emptiness of the room. His chest sighed with relief, but Joe was already kicking the jeans off along with his underwear with his slick back plastered to the sheets once again. The pants fell to the foot of the bed with a heavy ‘thump’ and Joe lay motionless for a second, his breath catching up to him as cool air nipped at his naked body.
He would make it up to Evgeni, and he would commit to taking that final step. The man was his goal now, not the wall Evgeni had created.
But he could make it up to Evgeni later, because at the moment, he needed to take a shower.
Pointing his toes to the ceiling as he stretched out his legs, he groaned with husky delight when he felt the muscles extend, his knees cracking with a satisfying pop. Running an experimental hand over his chest as he sat back up, Joe shivered as the still tingling skin jumped underneath the rough underside of his palm, his nipple perking as he rubbed it with his thumb absentmindedly.
Padding his way to the closed bathroom door, Joe scratched at his chest, vaguely dazed by his recent soul searching. The door opened silently when he pushed it with his hip, his hands preoccupied with exploring the post-orgasm tingle that he had on his skin.
The room was spacious when Joe entered; warm, honey-brown tiles covered the walls and floor. Steam dispersed in the air, sticky and hot, turning to droplets of sweat on his bare skin and managing to make it even more ticklish. The vapor was pouring over from the top of the crystal-like glass door of the shower, a fog of transparent white shrouding the figure standing under the torrent of water that hit the floor like bullets.
Joe stopped; the nagging need of having to wash himself off ebbing away.
Evgeni hadn’t seen him yet, as he had the same blank expression on his face as he did in the hallway, his distant eyes trained on the wall a foot in front of him. Joe caught glimpses of side that was facing to him, wincing when noticed the angry red marks the scalding water left behind.
Dark blond hair was plastered to the man’s furrowed brow. A contemplative look adorned his face briefly before melting away under the cascading shower’s warmth into impassiveness once again. But it wasn’t indifference, was it? He looked… well, sad.
Joe’s eyes widened with his sudden realization and the hand resting on his chest fell boneless to his side. What the hell was he about to do? Evgeni was naked and vulnerable on the other side of that glass, the only barrier between them that was stopping Joe from stepping into the shower with him.
Of course he wasn’t looking to start something in the shower—lord knows how that went last time—but would Evgeni know what he was thinking? His harmless motives of getting clean probably did not appear so innocent if looked at from anyone else’s point of view.
Joe wouldn’t put it past his recent behavior to make it seem like he wanted to have sex nonstop. He didn’t really, but even when he was young, physical actions were the only way Joe knew how to express his endearment. A hug meant ‘you’re nice,’ a kiss meant ‘I like you,’ and sex… well, it meant that Joe was horny, but it was everything that Joe didn’t know how to say in words.
Evgeni was a nice person, and Joe really did like him, and he also wanted to be with him. But maybe not being able to say it as much as he would like, instead of stepping into the shower with an unaware Evgeni, naked as well, was not the best course of action.
It was strange, with anyone else he had been with before, he wouldn’t have hesitated a second before stepping up behind them while they were washing themselves off. But not now, not with Evgeni; Joe was irritated with himself for even considering it with what his mind had just been lecturing on in the other room.
Trying to step out quietly with his back facing the way he had entered, Joe waved his hand behind him in attempt to find the doorknob. In hindsight, this was probably not the best idea if he wanted to be inconspicuous. First with the whack of his hand, the metal clang echoed around the room, and then with the loud hiss that escaped him when the cold bit his flushed skin.
Evgeni’s head snapped up, his eyes refocusing as he turned toward Joe. The wide-eyed deer in the headlights look lingered for a moment before a forced smile stretched across the man’s face. One second longer and the smile was almost believable. His eyes strayed over Joe’s naked form, pointedly staring at the flaccid cock, nestled between the legs. The look made lust curl in his belly, but Joe shoved the inappropriate feelings away. Old habits died hard, he noticed, but he would try, he would fix this for Evgeni, because he deserved the best.
Turning over his old leaf was admirable if he did say so himself, but he just didn’t know how he was going to do it.
Evgeni’s voice was muffled from behind the glass, the pitter-patter of water adding to the fuzzy noise. “Joe?”
“I—” He stopped short, all of his deep thoughts becoming words that he was unable to grasp in his head. “Um… I’m… nevermind.”
“Joe? What is it?” The soft voice sharpened when Evgeni turned off the constant flow of water, the absence of the comforting white noise making Joe feel strangely on-edge.
“It’s just… I’m glad it’s you, ya know?” …Wait, what? What did that even mean? How was he going to tell Evgeni everything that went through his head not minutes ago? Everything he wanted to say, as well as ‘I’ve been so stupid,’ or ‘I haven’t been good enough for you,’ or even ‘I’m sorry.’ He knew Evgeni deserved that at least.
“What? Are yhou feeling all right?”
“Feel horrible, actually. I’m… ehhh.”
“If yhou got me out of the shower for this, then I’m ghoing to go finish—”
“No! That’s not… I can get us some dinner, yeah? Thought ya might be hungry, after, well, tonight ’n all. ’Cause, well, y-ya know.”
“Okay?” Evgeni scoffed with a roll of his eyes, his upper lip curling with impatience. “Iya still don’t know what yhou’re talking about,” he snapped, his hands twitching at his sides, probably itching step out of the shower and shove Joe back into the bedroom.
“No!” he pleaded; he couldn’t apologize if he was in there. “Wait! No! I guess… what I’m tryin’ to say is, well, I-I’m sorry.”
Evgeni was quiet for a minute, his fiery eyes smoldering into an ashy grey, crinkled at the corners with confusion as they scanned over Joe’s surely somber face. “What…?” he asked quietly, the irritation in his expression rolling off his body like the stray beads of water that were dripping down his skin. “Why would yhou be sorry?… A-are yhou leaving?” he added in a shaky voice.
“What? No! ’Course not!”
“Then why are yhou in here?” Evgeni asked, the edge he had in his voice earlier not as hard. He paused, absorbed Joe’s current state of undress, and blushed. “A-and naked, no less.”
Evgeni had gotten the wrong idea, just as Joe had realized about two seconds ago. What would he have gotten into if he hadn’t realized his mistake? He would probably be in the stall with a handful of a confused but painfully willing Evgeni. The thought of interrupting the man’s private moment stung Joe more than he wanted to admit, but he was just glad he didn’t fill hid head with more half-truths than he already accidentally planted there.
“I’m not—! Well, I know what it looks like, but I seriously just wanted ta get cleaned off, yeah?”
“Oh, okay, I guess. Um… I’ll—”
“Maybe— oh, sorry.”
“It’s all right.”
“I’ll let you finish then”
“Yeah… that sounds good.”
Joe stepped out of the bathroom, his blush burning all the way down to his toes. With a shuddering breath, he flopped back against the door after he shut it, scrunching his eyes together and pursing his lips until he heard the reassuring charge of water once again, which was instantly followed by a yelp of “Shit! Cold!” Inside, Joe was laughing at the sudden outburst, but outside, he was too frozen from previous embarrassment to make a sound.
The calloused skin of his hand ticked his beard when he ran his palms over his face in one fluid, sweeping motion. What kind of hockey player would he be if he couldn’t bring himself to forget about the last mistake and only look toward the future? He could do that, easy.
Besides, he and Evgeni had encountered far more awkward situations before, tonight for example… and when Devin caught them rubbing up against each other in the showers. Compared to those times, the last minutes of their interaction were pretty normal for them.
Grabbing his pants off the floor, he pulled them back on, underwear and all, hoping that he looked as decent as he could be in jeans as shredded as the ones he was wearing. He plopped onto the bed and picked up the phone, the menu in his other hand. Double checking that the room service was still available at whatever god-forsaken hour it was then, Joe was pleased to find that The Palace hotel served twenty-four seven.
He skimmed the laminated paper, searching for the two most basic meals for the other man to choose from as he listened to the hollow rings. The line picked up much sooner than what Joe was ready for, but the words ‘the steak and the lemon chicken’ were out of his mouth in a rush for his order. He gave the room number and hung up the phone.
Leaning against the headboard of the bed that was closer to the bathroom, his gaze shot to the television before he nixed the idea. Humming softly as he drummed his fingers to the beat of the shower’s spray, Joe closed his heavy eyes, the events leading up to that moment finally catching up with him.
He couldn’t believe that Devin had managed to drag him and Evgeni to a gay bar in the Castro District to begin with, but when that finally settled, he had been hit with his emotional crisis, which he was still picking at so that he would be ready to prove himself when Evgeni emerged from the bathroom. He hoped that he would have more time to decide what to say than how much time the hotel management had given him to place his order, but considering how long Evgeni took cleaning off, Joe knew that he still had a while to himself.
He was dozing lightly when Evgeni finally sauntered out of the attached room; his previously morose attitude had vanished like the steam that crept through the open door. With a fluffy, china white robe hanging off his shoulders, too bulky for his slim frame, Evgeni shuffled over to the bed that Joe was sitting on, tying the belt around his waist as he did.
Looking up when he reached the side of the bed, Evgeni’s face grew a shy smile, the sides of his lips quirking upwards at a different time. He sunk his hands into the plush mattress to steady himself as he swung a leg over the side of the bed, shuffling on his behind to get closer to the middle. Joe watched, his gut squirming with indecision, as Evgeni settled himself into a comfortable spot, finally crossing his right ankle over his left and linking his hands together in his lap, fumbling a bit as the excess fabric of the robe made his graceful moves look clumsy.
Joe placed a hand on his bare stomach when it lurched in anxiety.
Evgeni’s almond shaped eyes widened with concern at Joe’s discomfort; he leaned forward and hovered for a moment before sitting back, his fingers picking nervously at his nails. His pink lips parted as his tongue swiped out to wet them. “Are… are yhou okay?” he questioned quietly, the false confidence stripping away the longer he sat still.
Joe’s eyebrows knitted together as the man sat upright. “I should be askin’ you that, Yev.”
Grey eyes flashing to blue at the mention of his nickname, Evgeni looked away shortly, shrugging. Joe would know if he didn’t tell the truth, they both knew he would.
“Nothing’s wrong, rheally.”
Apparently that didn’t mean that Evgeni wasn’t going to try. Huffing with disappointment, Joe pushed back into the headboard, wincing slightly when the engravings dug into the bones of his vertebrae.
“So I guess I should start then, yeah?”
Evgeni nodded, but didn’t look up from his hands.
“I feel like…” Joe paused. What did he feel like? None of his thoughts made sense now, when he finally wanted to put them to use. They just felt like they would be meaningless the moment they left his mouth. Basics, he thought, start with something simple. “I barely know you and that’s just, I mean, weird for how far we are… I think, well, I should get to know ya better, right?”
“What do yhou mean?”
“Like, I don’t even know anything about you…well, besides that you’re fun to be around, and I like talking to you, and just… I dunno. You just deserve more than what I’ve been giving.” Joe wanted to punch something in his frustration. His words weren’t sounding right at all.
“Joe…” Evgeni trailed off, his cheeks stained bright red. He fiddled with his fingers that were twisted in his lap; his eyes were downcast, but Joe could see the flattery reflected in the man’s shy smile that he tried to hide. “Yhou don’t need to say that.”
“Yes I do! Yevi, I haven’t kept my promise. And that’s why I’m sorry… for using you.” And then it was out. Short and simple, his system had rid itself of the parasitic words that had been festering inside him. He felt relieved, and so, so much more burdened at the same time. What was Evgeni going to respond to his foolish apology?
“I didn’t whant you to leave,” the other croaked out.
“Huh?” his utterance wavered pitifully in the stale air of the hotel room.
“That’s what’s wrong. Ever since Christmas I felt I whas losing you. That’s why—” he choked on his words, his jaw working as he bit the inside of his cheek. “I thought it whas all you wanted, but Iya still wanted to be with you… so I did what whould make you stay.”
Then he had been partially right, he had been an unemotional bastard lately. “Oh—”
“It sounds pathetic, I know. But—” he sighed heavily and looked away with embarrassment. “I told yhou already, Joe. I’m nhot any happier than when I am with yhou.”
“I don’t want ya to think that I can’t put myself into this, too. I mean, you’ve done so much already, and I… I’m sorry that I haven’t committed, not really.”
“Yhou don’t need to get sappy now.”
“I haven’t been for a while. T’night and then I’m done, promise.”
Evgeni looked up from his hands with sad reluctance shining behind his foggy eyes. “…Will yhou keep that promise too?” It was evident that he was bitter, not wanting to believe in Joe so easily again, but Joe wanted to show the other how he was going to come through.
“I’m gonna keep all of my promises.” He was sure of it.
“Iya hope you do.”
It was then that a knock at the door sounded, curt, sharp raps on the thick wood. Joe glanced toward it then back to Evgeni, a silent question for his excuse so that he could answer it.
Evgeni sucked his bottom lip between his teeth and nodded, his eyes glinting in the sparse light as he watched Joe pull himself from the bed they were sitting on.
“You should… prob’ly stay in the bathroom,” Joe whispered slowly, eyeing the door carefully as if he could see the hotel employee through the plane of wood.
The other man’s lips formed into a perfect ‘O’ of realization, nodding more vigorously and following suit in standing up. Joe waited, smiling, as Evgeni flattened out the rumbled bathrobe that he had thrown on haphazardly. Glancing up when he believed himself suitable, the grey eyes flashed with surprise at the close proximity of their faces; Joe wanted to laugh at that, the strange endearing quality of the man’s jumpiness, but he knew that Evgeni would take it the wrong way.
Instead, his lips stretched to accommodate a broader smile, his eyes drooping as the muscles wound tightly within him relaxed, Evgeni’s hesitant returned grin putting him at ease.
“I promise,” he whispered, lifting a hand to swipe at the fringe covering the man’s eyebrows, tucking the stray behind the ears, ignoring the fact that the hair bounced right back into its usual disarray. Pressing his brow to Evgeni’s, Joe wove his fingers through the silky stands at the side of the man’s head. He felt the body heat through his fingertips, rushing up his arms and warming his chest, surging upwards and melting where they were connected at the forehead, continuing the cycle of whisper light, pleasurable sensations.
Another knock at the door, louder this time, pulled Joe away, but not before he leaned in to place a quick peck on Evgeni’s nose. Blinking rapidly, Evgeni scrunched his face like a cat’s, Joe chuckling as he dropped his arms to grab a sleeve of the robe, pulling the man along as he made his way toward the entryway. Coming around, Evgeni shot Joe a half-hearted glare that couldn’t have even been taken seriously by Vlasic and slipped into the bathroom.
Joe laughed in return, shaking his head and running the flat of his tongue over his lips, the taste of Evgeni’s freshly clean skin still remaining.
Flicking on the lights with the side of his finger, Joe opened the door and stood before the room service, dressed smartly in his red uniform. He was a boy in his mid-twenties with a scowl that crossed his young features, poised to knock one more time.
His displeasure for waiting was evident, but it quickly dispersed into an open-mouthed stare. “Y-y-you’re J-Joe—”
“Yeah, um… hey there.” Great, of course he wasn’t going to not be recognized that night. Well, Joe supposed he should be thankful that it wasn’t at the bar earlier.
“I’m so sorry for making you wait Jumbo— Mr. Thornton! Sorry! If I had known, I wouldn’t have taken so long!”
So long? He could have sworn that it had only been twenty minutes, tops. Joe furrowed his brow and pinched the bridge of his nose when he could make out Evgeni’s muffled sniggering from the bathroom.
“It’s a’right, kid, I understand ya have to make it.” He didn’t mean to sound rude, but this guy was making it difficult when he was already being placed on a pedestal for being who he was.
The boy nodded his head dumbly, his hands clenching and unclenching around the cart handle. Pointedly looking at the covered trays of food on the cart, Joe scratched his neck uncomfortably and swung a hand toward it. “Um…”
Having the decency to look sheepish, the boy snapped from his star-struck gaze and flushed. “O-of course, Mr. Thornton.”
“Please, name’s Joe,” he mumbled as he followed the boy back into his room. “That makes me sound so… old.”
Ignoring the request, the boy glanced about the room, taking in the two beds and the rumbled sheets on the one nearest them as he set up the dinner. “Ohhh, I got it, perks of being famous I guess. Nice!” He shot a suggestive look, and Joe was washed over with disgust.
“ ’M here with my date, not a secret romp on the town,” Joe ground out, deadpanned.
The forced tenor in his voice shook the boy like a leaf and silenced the barely audible snickers in the background.
“I d-didn’t mean—”
“I know what you ’ere thinking, and I wouldn’tve called room service if it was.” He had never felt so hostile toward hotel staff in his life. He felt sort of bad, but the kid was seriously pushing all the wrong buttons; not to mention that he was insinuating that Joe was bedding women left and right.
The rest of the meal was set up in silence, the boy not finding the courage to apologize or look in Joe’s direction as he walked by the offered tip, obviously ashamed of his thoughtless words.
When the door clicked shut behind him, Evgeni was out of the bathroom in a second, his arms crossed as a mocking smile graced his face. “My hero,” he drawled, the sarcasm dripping from his voice like thick honey as he padded toward the thrown together fancy dinner.
“Well, ya know, the kid was talkin’ like I had some cheap whore here, er somethin’.”
Evgeni burst out with a bark of a laugh, shaking his head at Joe’s choice words.
Joe blushed and waved his hands defensively in front of his chest. “I didn’t mean—!”
“I’m kidding, Joe!… Now… which one is mhine?” he asked with a raised eyebrow, his pointed finger moving between the steak with mashed potatoes and the lemon chicken with asparagus, his gaze staring at the second plate with longing.
“I’m guessing ya want the chicken?”
“I whant the asparagus, yes.”
Joe laughed and waved the other man on. “Take it.”
Trying without success to roll up his sleeves, Evgeni huffed, letting his arms flop to his side and looking about the room, his eyes falling on Joe’s rumbled shirt on the floor. Without a word, he walked deliberately toward the pile and dropped his robe. Joe blushed furiously at the sight, spinning around on his heel and trying without success to put all of his thoughts onto salting his steak.
When Evgeni came back into the edge of Joe’s vision, he chanced a glance up to see the man drowning in the buttoned up shirt that he, himself had been wearing earlier. He raised a questioning eyebrow, but Evgeni just took his plate without a word and settled back into his earlier spot on the bed, legs crossed and plate in his lap. Turning around after a moment, he set his fork down and waited for Joe to join him.
Kicking off the formfitting jeans, Joe picked up his dinner and stood next to the bed. “Thing barely fits you!” he chuckled as he sat across from the other man, the bed bouncing with their combined weight. “Devin’s biggest shirt, I guess.”
“Bhetter than sleeping in that,” Evgeni spat, jerking his head in the direction of the overly fluffy bathrobe.
“Aw, I think the shirt’s cute on you,” Joe cooed in just a way that he knew the other man would blanch at.
Evgeni cringed, just as Joe predicted, and ducked his head to hide the blossoming blush that adorned his cheeks as he began to cut his chicken into small pieces.
They ate in silence, both of them taking the time to enjoy their food, neither realizing how hungry they both were until the first bite hit their tongues.
After finishing off his chicken, Evgeni picked at a stock of asparagus with his fingers, rolling it between his thumb and forefinger, a smile blooming over his face as he played with his food. Joe had never seen the man so excited over the concept of eating.
“You gonna eat it or feel it up?” Joe prodded with a laugh, leaning back against the headboard of the bed as Evgeni’s tore his eyes away from his hands.
“Hmm?” the man replied, his expression sparkling with confusion as his head quirked to the side.
“Yer asparagus, Yev! Jeez, I haven’t seen ya that excited since a shutout!” Joe rolled his eyes though smiled all the same. He was exaggerating of course, but seriously, Evgeni was one step away from making out with the damn thing. And Joe wasn’t going to let himself be jealous over a vegetable, dammit.
“Oh!” Evgeni exclaimed with realization, shoving the green into his mouth before he wiped his hand on the napkin laid out over his folded lap. “I haven’t had it in a while, Iya love asparagus.” The word sounded appealing just from the way it rolled off Evgeni’s tongue, lazy accent of slurred vowels and all.
“Really? I never knew that.” Joe was once again drawn to finding out the other things that he didn’t know, disappointed with himself for finally wanting to learn the subtle aspects of Evgeni, but excited that he was going to start the path toward building a stronger relationship at all. “What else do you love?” Oh God. Joe wasn’t expecting the question to tumble out of his mouth so flippantly. He wanted a build up, of suspense, of his courage, he wasn’t completely sure, it just seemed like it was needed! And now it was already out in the open, unable to be taken back.
“Huh?” The other appeared to be just as confused as Joe was, Evgeni’s head cocking in the other direction like a dog’s, his hands moving to settle on the bed to prop himself up. “What?”
“I mean… uhhhh…” That was smooth, Joe grumbled to himself as he threw his arms about in the air, as if fishing for something to say with his hands. “I dunno, things you love, things ya don’t love. Things I don’t know about you that ya think I should.” At least the new plan was going smoothly so far, he sighed with relief to himself.
Evgeni frowned at the words, and Joe’s slowly expanding relief began to recede.
“Iya… don’t…? Is there anything that yhou need to know?” Oh, he was just perplexed by Joe’s sudden change in topics, that was understandable, Joe did it a lot, and confused himself more often than not when he did.
“I guess, huh— Wait, got one! I want to know yer favorite color.” That was simple enough! And something that Joe was inwardly shaking his head at himself for not knowing already.
“That’s it?” Evgeni’s frown lightened, the only trace of it remaining was the crease in his brow and pout to his bowed lips.
“I never said I was soul searching.” He did enough of that on his own that night, thanks.
“Then I’d probhably go with teal.”
Of all the colors that Joe thought Evgeni would like, that was probably the last on Joe’s list. He was thinking more like black, or white. Not something as flamboyant as the Shark’s identity; it was probably even deep pacific teal, to be more accurate. “…Seriously?”
“Yes? Is that bad?”
“I just… it’s just I didn’t know ya were so gung-ho for the team!” He was just more surprised than anything.
“It used to be red, bhut the teal grew on me, I couldn’t help it.”
“But…” Joe huffed and threw a hand in the air with a wild gesture. “It’s so cliché!” Right when he said it, Joe knew where the conversation was headed. Only Evgeni was sly enough to use his words against him.
“Well, what’s yhour favorite color, Joe? If mine is so ‘cliché’, yhours must be ‘practical’.” The words rolled of Evgeni’s tongue like steam, smooth and scolding at the same time. His eyebrows were raised with silent mirth, already soaking up the feeling of victory.
“No, no, it’s okay.” Joe flushed for a second, knowing his choice wasn’t much better. It was just annoying that Evgeni knew; which made admitting it all the more painful.
“Oh but Joe, Iya have the right to know!” Oh, that cunning bastard, playing ignorant. But Joe knew when he couldn’t dig himself out of that mess.
“It’sorange,” he mumbled, refusing to meet the other man’s growing smile.
“What whas that? I’m sorry, Iya didn’t understand!” Oh, his sympathy was overwhelming.
“Orange,” Joe grunted, his mind imagining right away the orange detailing on their jerseys, not helping in defending his case at all.
“Wow! You see, now that’s funny, Iya thought orange was part of our colors too!”
“It is.”
Evgeni bounced in his spot and shook the mattress, capturing Joe’s attention as he celebrated to himself. “Yhou’re right, this is fun!”
Joe hung his head and smiled.
Evgeni spoke up next, hit with the inspiration to play along with Joe after he outwitted the maker of the game. “Iya love it when you call me ‘Yevi’,” he admitted, his face a bright pink when Joe lifted his head up from his chest. Joe made a note to himself to use the name more often. “And, um, Iya love my mother’s cooking.”
Joe smiled, throwing one in of his own. “I love playin’ Risk.” Evgeni rolled his eyes at that one. Setting his empty plate on the bedside table, Joe waved for Evgeni to hand him his, who kept on talking as he took another asparagus before giving his plate to over.
“Iya love raspberries, and um… bheating our teammates at ping pong?”
“You are pretty good at that, gotta say. Um… I love… uhhhh…”
“Canada!” Evgeni exclaimed, his brightly flushed face slipping into an easy smile as he found himself pulled into the game.
Joe snorted, his head knocking against the headboard as he threw it back in laughter. “Sure, why not. And you love where you ’ere born.” Evgeni glowered between Joes pause, daring him to say it. “Good ol’ Russia.” The other man nodded approvingly and settled back down, having been ready to defend his nationality once more.
Mellowing out his voice, Evgeni sat back and rubbed the base of his neck. “Iya love that I’m the fhirst one out of the shark head when we play at home,” Evgeni muttered, the pink dusting his face growing into an all out red.
“I love bein’ right behind ya in it!” Joe laughed, recalling the first game back on home ice, when he skated out of the locker room and through the gateway of their iconic shark, the crowd roaring with excitement. The first game back through it was the best, but not far behind was every other game. Joe thought himself lucky to be the one behind Evgeni, so that they could share the adrenaline rush almost simultaneously.
“Iya love Wedding Crashers.”
“I love… Borat.” The flush on Evgeni’s face turned to one of anger at Joe’s words. “Aww, I’m kidding, come on!” The man growled dangerously and turned his head away, his nose in the air and arms crossed indignantly over his chest.
“I dhon’t love Borat.”
“Fair enough. Um… I love… that I was dumped fer good this summer. ’Cause if I wasn’t, I might’ve never been with you.”
Evgeni blushed at the hidden compliment, watching curiously as the last of the sentence left Joe’s mouth. His face grew serious for a moment after though, as if he was revisiting darker memories, and he sighed heavily when the look passed.
Not sure what to make of the look, Joe continued, “Since, you know, we had an on ’n off thing goin’ and—” But he was interrupted quickly.
“I… Iya was in love Warren. I think.”
Joe didn’t know what to say to that. He wanted to believe that he didn’t know who Evgeni was talking about, but deep in his gut he knew that he did. “…What?”
“Iya liked—”
“No, no, I got that. You mean Warren Warren? Yer old goalie coach?” Joe asked, caught off-guard by the sudden announcement. It couldn’t have been, it just… it didn’t make any sense! From the few years that Joe had known him, sure, Warren was a nice guy, always upbeat with a smile on his face, always pushing Evgeni to be better. Joe just couldn’t see how Evgeni would even begin to think that way! The man was at the ripe old age of seventy-three in 2007 when he passed away; Evgeni was just about thirty then.
“Iya shouldn’t have said that, sorry.”
“Yevi… it’s okay, I don’t mind.” And he didn’t. He wasn’t one to judge; he was just confused, was all. Confused to how something that complicated could even come about in the first place.
“Iya… well, I whasn’t exactly in love with him, bhut I more than liked him.” He shifted uncomfortably. “He whas the only one who believed in me before I whas drafted, even though Iya was just a kid then, playing in Russia.” A faraway look glazed over his eyes, his stormy greys becoming an unsettling filmy off-white when he fell to his own memories. “And no one believed him, about me being a prospect. I whas what? Two-hundred something in the draft of the ninth rhound? Yhou wouldn’t understand that, being the first pick, the worry of jhust being sent down to the minors without a second thought ever again. Forgotten.”
“That’s not my fault…”
“And I’m nhot saying it is! It’s jhust that Iya wouldn’t have even made it there without his pushing. And now, look where I am. The fhucking NHL. And it’s all thanks to him. I jhust… I wish that I could have won him a cup before he…” he swallowed the word that was threatening to come out, the word that appeared to remain deeply imbedded in Evgeni’s sorrow. “Well, yhou know.” Died.
“Maybe it was just, I don’t know, like, a hero-worship thing? I mean he was, what, at least thirty-eight years older than you?”
“Ah— haha! A little older actually… and it’s possible; probhably started that way. Yhou don’t understand; Iya never chose to love him, and Iya wished that I really didn’t at times… but when he believed in me, it was like I whas the only important thing in the world, and I couldn’t help it. Iya never felt that way before. I whas so happy; it didn’t matter how old he was. It was like he whas always forty, full of energy bhut old enough to know what he was talking about—” he drifted off then, taking the time to inspect his tightly clench fists in his lap. When he spoke again, he was quiet and timid; “Even up to the lhast time we talked, h-he never s-seemed sick.”
“Oh. I-I’m sorry, Yev.” He coughed to fill the overwhelming quiet, rubbing the back of his knuckles with his thumb. He had heard Evgeni sad before, seen him weep and hurt, but never had he ever heard Evgeni this broken. “Did you…?”
“Iya kissed him. Once.”
Woah, he was not expecting that. “And—?”
“He didn’t, well, hit me or anything. But he was married, Joe! What whas he supposed to do?” Evgeni hiccupped at the end of his words, his breath catching in his throat as he grew more emotional. “He jhust waited until I stopped, and when he lhooked at me, Iya could see he was sorry, but he didn’t fheel the same way.” He was whispering now, not looking at Joe as he talked, as if he was revealing a horrible secret. Maybe… to Evgeni, this secret was horrible. It was something that he knew he could never get back; especially now. “I think… I think he knew before that though; think he always knew. Even that Iya never stopped liking him in that way. Bhut he stayed, a-and that was enough.” Despite the heartbreak in his voice, Joe could see the bliss that eased Evgeni’s shoulders when he remembered the better times with his late-goaltending coach.
They both were quite as Joe soaked in the confessed secret that Evgeni had harbored for so long.
“Iya… never told anyone that before.” Swallowing, Evgeni’s eyes flickered toward Joe’s before he flinched and turned away. “I think… I told yhou because… you make me feel the same way.”
Joe froze. “Same… way?” As in more than liking him? On the path to something so much more than that?
“Iya think… I could… yeah.”
“Oh.” That was the scariest thing Joe had ever heard, and it was the most amazing thing he had ever heard. To be someone’s everything? Even if it was just a tendril of smoke, something that was there, but something no one could grasp, just a possibility? Would he be able to be brave for Evgeni so that Joe himself could feel the same way?
“Sorry—”
“I don’t wanna be ‘just enough’. ’M not just gonna not leave you, I wanna do more than stay.”
Yes, Joe knew he could do that.
Evgeni laughed and gasped at the same time, sounding almost hysterical as a dubious look entered his sad, grey eyes. “What? Are yhou suggesting we should be, Iya don’t know, something silly, like boyfriends or something?” he continued to chuckle, finding humor in his reluctant words.
“Do ya want ta be?”
“Be what?”
Joe hid his scowl; he didn’t want to go repeating it because the thought made him want to flush violently. “Boyfriends,” he ground out. It sounded so childish when it flopped off his tongue, how a prepubescent would say it, uncomfortable in his own skin.
But the same word that made Joe squeamish just a moment ago, made Evgeni’s shadowed face light up, as if the sun was shining all its light on him. Suddenly, the concept of the two of them finally announcing their relationship, to each other at least, made Joe’s face break out into a matching smile. His cheeks began to ache with how much they bunched to accommodate his ridiculous grin, but he couldn’t find it within himself to stop, not when Evgeni was looking at him like that, as if he was the only person in the world.
And then he realized why Evgeni was so drawn to Warren. It was stronger than anything he had felt before, and Joe vowed to himself at the moment that he would never take what the other man gave to him for granted. Be it a hug, the sex, or just a passing glance, all of them together made Evgeni Evgeni. Joe never wanted to let any of it go.
“R-really?” The man bit his bottom lip as he tended to do when he was nervous or confused. His big, round eyes blinked owlishly as his skin broke out into a wild blush at the awed tone in his voice. “I-I-Iya mean, I whouldn’t, um, m-mind, if that’s what yhou mean. Yhou wouldn’t want to be though, w-whould you?” The hopefulness in his words was undeniable, and Joe had never wanted more to prove Evgeni wrong.
“Absolutely! I wanna be with you, Yev, be more than ‘enough’.”
“Oh, Joe.” He sighed with so much released emotion that Joe was sure the weight of the world had been lifted off Evgeni’s heavy soul. “Yhou already are.”
Stretching out from his slouched position, Evgeni crawled up the bed slowly on all fours, the springs whining beneath his weight. Joe sat up straighter so that the man to scoot in close, his legs flopping open. Evgeni placed his hands on Joe’s stomach, the muscles jumping at the light touch. The loose sleeves brushed against the sensitive skin of Joe’s inner thighs, only managing to bead sweat at his hairline. He was going to be good, he had to be.
The man stopped fussing and perched himself with his legs curled underneath his body, folded nicely to sit as close as he was without actually sitting on Joe’s lap. He watched Evgeni’s next move curiously; the hands at on his stomach were flexing, the warmth of the palms seeping though his thin skin and sinking into his gut. They weren’t groping, they weren’t fondling, and Joe reasoned this with his protesting mind until it finally backed down, and his budding arousal subsiding. There was a distinct difference between touches and touching, Joe realized. He wasn’t going to pave out a smooth road for their relationship if he didn’t discipline himself with that fact soon.
Evgeni’s eyes swirled and his hands twittered, but he was determined, Joe could see it. Licking his lips, Evgeni leaned forward and placed a hesitant, sealed kiss against Joe’s close mouth. He shut his eyes, letting Evgeni overtake him.
The lips were pillowy and soft against his; they were pressed together tightly, leaving no room for any thoughts of tongue. It wasn’t a tease for more, nor was it an invitation to start something. It was a promise from one hopeful man to another, a promise that they would get through their hardships together, a promise like all the others that Joe intended to keep.
Slightly trembling hands laced behind his neck, pulling him down into the soft sheets as Evgeni guided him, falling gracefully into the bed, the springs moaning in protest. Cracking his eyes open, Joe caught the fierce flash of confidence in Evgeni’s stubborn expression, complete with a creased brow, rounded eyes, and bitten lips. Sleep lingered at the edge of Joe’s thoughts, threatening to overtake him any moment. Though at the same time, he fought off the slumber vehemently, pushing for every next second to be in the arms of the other man.
On his way down, Joe flicked the switch next to the bed so that the room was plunged into black. Giggling in the darkness, Evgeni pulled Joe closer, their combined warmth certainly making latter spiral faster into the clutches of his dreams. They hit the bed, facing each other on their sides, and the vague details of Evgeni’s face swam into focus as Joe’s pupils adjusted to the lack of light. He grinned tiredly and circled an arm around the subtle concave curve of Evgeni’s waist, the pads of his fingers pressing feather-light into the thin material of Devin’s shirt that the man had taken to wearing for the night.
With his free left hand, Joe tucked the crown of Evgeni’s head under his chin, purring like a satiated cat when the man coiled up against his body. From Evgeni’s waist, Joe’s hand ran down to the man’s knee as it slid up to lay on his hip. Fingers skimming back up, Joe could feel where the taut flesh became silky shirt, hiked temptingly high on the thigh. But Joe picked up his hand before the material could bunch any further, replacing it on the small of the waist that was covered completely.
Their breathing shallowed the longer that they lied there together, wrapped in each other’s arms as tightly as Joe held Evgeni on the first day their lives crashed together as the beginning of the new chapter of their lives.
Before he had been scared for his friend; now, Joe just wanted to hold Evgeni as long as he could, feel that heat that grew wherever they touched, but that also grew in his chest. He didn’t know what to call that feeling, not yet at least.
So for the moment, he let that calming blanket of heat wrap around him just as Evgeni was. It ebbed at the edges of his awakened state like the peaceful tides, and he remained in the crossroad of dream and reality for mere moments before he was pulled in and carried off to sleep.
-----
Evgeni was lying on his side for a while, watching as every muscle in Joe’s face began to relax, waiting still until he was sure that the other man was truly asleep.
The shine of the outside world created a strip of washed out light peeking through the space were the curtains didn’t completely meet. It stretched out over the entire room, a sword cutting through the darkness, passing over Evgeni and Joe harmlessly, keeping the shadows at bay while they lied together, tangled in each other’s arms.
He blinked once, and then twice, biting his lip as a burst of foolish confidence rose within him as he stared at the serine face of the man he had become so attached to. Shifting back as to capture the entirety of Joe’s peaceful state in his vision, while his arms remained looped around the sturdy neck, Evgeni’s breath stopped short.
He didn’t know where this sudden rush of power and powerlessness that swept over him had come from. His limps were cold, but his chest… his chest was burning. It was as if the sun had taken refuge in his heart, beating in time with his pulse as it became a part of him, instead of being the one to swallow Evgeni. He fed of the energy, the surge of warm, tingly bliss that he just wanted to bask in forever. He opened his mouth.
Evgeni didn’t know what he was going to say until he said it, but when it was whispered off his lips, he knew it was the truth. He didn’t know it was the truth until then, never even knew that it was a possibility. But there he was, speaking to himself while at the same time announcing it to the world; he wasn’t going to take it back.
“And I love yhou.”
When it was out, Evgeni hugged the warm body closer to him, not worried that Joe would leave, but simply because Joe was his sun, his everything, and holding that made Evgeni fall in love all over again, even though he wasn’t completely sure when he fell in love with Joe in the first place.
-----
To be Continued
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Who is Warren?
Hmmm. Boys are growing up! Thoughts?
P.S. 30 chapters like woah.
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Date: 2009-09-25 05:29 am (UTC)This is probably my favorite (non-porn) chapter so far.
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Date: 2009-09-25 05:33 am (UTC)(take out the asterisks)
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Date: 2009-09-26 08:54 pm (UTC)but now it's time to make these two have an actual relationship now! yay <3
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Date: 2009-09-25 07:28 am (UTC)the ending was perfect, i don't know how you're going to beat this chapter!
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Date: 2009-09-25 08:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-25 11:30 am (UTC)I almost had tears in my eyes reading it. You're the perfect writer.
:)
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Date: 2009-09-25 07:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-26 03:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-26 09:11 pm (UTC)I liked writing that part! Especially when Nabby got into it. And writing the word "canada" just makes me giddy, so there you go.
Thank you so much :) I can't wait either! It's kind of a mystery, hahaha!
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Date: 2009-09-27 03:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-28 01:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-28 02:19 am (UTC)This was absolutely adorable. I'm so happy they're getting to a real relationship, and I'm so happy Evgeni admitted that he's in love with Joe. Beautiful. ♥
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Date: 2010-08-20 11:41 pm (UTC)Can I just say that I love you? Please?
Oh wow. I literally had tears in my eyes after reading this. I can't think of another word other than beautiful to describe this wonderful piece of perfection. You are so amazing. Wow. WOW.
*sniffs*
My favorite was the last part.
“And I love yhou.”
When it was out, Evgeni hugged the warm body closer to him, not worried that Joe would leave, but simply because Joe was his sun, his everything, and holding that made Evgeni fall in love all over again, even though he wasn’t completely sure when he fell in love with Joe in the first place.
Wow.
dhsfgpeirughdfkl!
Please. Please continue this.
I'm gonna go cry with the sheer beauty of this.
LSP