Fic: Desperation

[brylinmoygyeroy.livejournal.com]

Title: Desperation
A/N: I know this is quite long but I really hope you'll read it anyway:) I wrote this mostly a few weeks ago when the Devils' rookie Nicklas Bergfors got sent down to the minors, but couldn't finish until today. Ironically, Anssi Salmela was just sent down as well, so at least they are together again:) Please leave feedback!!! Thanks!
Author: BrylinMoyGyeroy
Team: New Jersey Devils
Pairing: Anssi Salmela/Nicklas Bergfors, mentions of Zach Parise/Travis Zajac
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Nicklas is very frustrated about being sent down, and Anssi lets him take out his anger on him...
Disclaimer: not true, and I don't own anyone.

 

There are times when I wonder what possessed me to dream.  

I stood alone in the locker room, staring at the names on the lockers, the ever-shining light above the New Jersey logo the only source of light in the dark after-hours of practice. The soft glow caused my shadow to dance airily on the walls as I moved from locker to locker, sighing. I stopped and stood by his locker. My hand slowly traced the outline of his nameplate, sadly feeling the curve of each letter, and I mouthed his name to myself. Anssi, my Anssi.

This was where I wanted to be.

Here, in Newark, at this lovely new arena they call ‘the Rock’. Here, with Zach, with Patty, with Marty, with Travis. Here, where this red, white, and black logo actually means something. Here, with Anssi. And yet, fate would have it that it’s not here that I will be, but there. There in Lowell, again; there in Bruins territory, where my jersey gets me booed outside of our arena; there where I will be without him, without my Anssi.

I hated being sent back to Lowell. It wasn’t the first time it had happened, but each time it got harder and harder to take. A biting frustration welled inside of me, pounding in my ears like a hammer. It wasn’t that I didn’t like my Lowell teammates…quite the contrary! But there was something about being with the Devils, the New Jersey Devils, that made me so incredibly happy. It was my dream. And now, now that I had him, I was even more unwilling to leave. But I knew that the choice was not mine to make. At this time tomorrow I would be in a car heading back up to Massachusetts, leaving everything that made me happy behind, again.

I sat down in someone’s locker—probably Patty’s, I didn’t check whose—and put my head in my hands. I felt utterly useless. This was going to get me nowhere, this moping and pouting, but the feeling of frustration left me with no other options. And so I moped. I was good at moping. I knew I should act more professional about it, as professional is and always has been the way of the Devils, but there are only so many times a shy Swede’s dreams can be crushed before he can no longer hold his head up high.

 “Head up!”

The sudden voice startled me, and I lifted my head quickly to see who had spoken, chuckling as the words echoed my thoughts. I had been absolutely sure that I was the only one left at practice…

 A smallish figure stood in the dimly-lit doorway of the locker room, hands crossed, looking at me thoughtfully, and what I thought was a shadow behind him turned out to be another person. It was Zach Parise, followed closely by Travis Zajac. They both smiled at me, cheering me already with their perpetually lighthearted demeanors, and sat down on either side of me, each putting an arm on my shoulder.

“Nicky, what are you still doing here? Practice ended hours ago.”

I bit back the urge to ask them the same question, and ended up sighing, looking at my feet.

“Uh…moping.”

Travis clapped my back rather hard, causing me to gasp in surprise.

“Aw, Nicklas, practice wasn’t that bad…”

I looked at him a bit quizzically, raising an eyebrow. Perhaps they didn’t know?

“I’m…going back to Lowell,” I sighed, lowering my head once more to face my feet. I heard him whisper a small ‘oh’ and shift uneasily. Zach opened his mouth to say something, but exhaled and looked down as his features fell into a sympathetic frown. He squeezed my shoulders affectionately, not saying anything for a few minutes. The silence was heavy and awkward, and I felt that it would probably have been better if I had been left alone. Finally, however, he spoke up in his most encouraging, friendly voice.

“You’ll be back soon enough, kid.”

I shrugged my shoulders.

“I hope so. I love it here with you guys.”

Both of them nodded, sighing simultaneously and exchanging glances. I heard Travis mutter something about a ‘poor rookie’, and I could only assume that he was talking about me. We sat for a long while in complete silence, save for the hardly-audible hum of the lamp above the logo. Both still had their arms around me, and I smiled at the kindness of my teammates. It was strangely peaceful, sitting there with Zach and Travis. I still felt incredibly frustrated and sad, but the warmth of their arms on my back relaxed me and the quietness was lulling. These teammates were like my family, all of them. They had accepted me. I didn’t want to leave them yet; I wanted to stay there forever, in that locker room that I so desired to call my own…

 A small voice shattered the silence somewhere beside us.

“Nicky?”

It was very quiet, but the sudden noise sent Travis jumping about ten feet into the air and a startled Zach crashing off the bench and onto the floor. I spun around quickly to behold my friend, my lips for a moment turning into a smile. I was so glad to see him.

“Jesus Christ, Anssi!” Zach cried, laughing hysterically at the bewildered Finn. Anssi, wide-eyed, grinned at us.

“Sorry to…scare you,” he chuckled, nodding at Travis, who was presently clinging to Zach’s arm and glaring in his direction playfully.

“No, it’s fine.”

He walked up beside me and put his arm around my shoulders, tightening his hold warmly. I was thankful for his gesture of comfort, and pressed myself as close to him as I possibly could. He hummed in acknowledgement, sighing.

“Nicky…it’s okay, Nicky. Are you alright?”

So he knew, then. I didn’t say anything, unsure of whether to nod or shake my head.

“I’m…disappointed.”

“Of course.”

He knelt down in front of me and forced our eyes to meet, those piercing grey pools cutting right into my spirit as always. God, I was in love with him. My lips hovered next to his, trembling in the warmth of his breath. I felt Zach and Travis’s eyes on us, watching us with interest. I willed myself not to kiss him right there, not in front of our teammates.

“We talk about it?” he asked, taking both of my hands in his. I nodded slowly.

“Yes.”

If anyone could make me feel better, it was him. He gently pulled me off of the bench and into his arms, and he smiled as I clung to his neck, kissing it warmly over and over again. To hell with restraint—I didn’t care if Zach and Travis saw; as if they weren’t so obvious themselves…

I let go of him only for a minute to hug both Zach and Travis goodbye, and then I was attached to him again, feeling as though my grip on his body was never, ever going to loosen. He practically dragged me out to his car and put me in the front seat with quite a bit of difficulty, having to pry my hands off of him. I didn’t want to let him go. No, not now…I wanted to hold onto him forever. I had never met someone whom I loved as much as I loved him. We rode home in silence, watching the monotonous New Jersey highway roll by as we made our way to my house, and I was left with my thoughts again, each minute making me sadder, more frustrated to be leaving…

As soon as we walked in the door, I rushed straight to my bed and flung myself onto it facedown, taking a deep, quivering breath. It wasn’t long before he sat down beside me, running his hand lightly over my back to soothe me.

“It’s okay, Nicky,” he said quietly, his fingers gently weaving themselves into my hair.

I lay like that for a long time, focusing on his fingers, his warmth, his quiet breathing. At some point he lay down as well, spreading his arms over me and practically lying on top of me, his hair brushing the underside of my chin. He tried to turn me over a few times to look at me but I wouldn’t budge, smiling quietly at his efforts. Eventually his fingers forced their way under my hands and he lifted my head until he could see my face. A sympathetic smile lingered on his lips, and his expression was that of concern, of caring. I took a deep breath and sighed, not able to form any words.

“It’s okay, Nicklas,” he repeated again.

I sat up quickly and pulled him into a sitting position as well, simply staring at him, at my wonderful friend that I wouldn’t be seeing anymore come tomorrow. My bottom lip quivered and he quickly wrapped me in his arms, passion radiating from his every movement. He pressed my face to his shoulder, lovingly stroking my hair, whispering tender words to me in Swedish. Of course, like so many gestures intended for comfort, it just made me feel more downhearted. Such kind words, such a sweet voice, such a gentle touch…

“Anssi!”

I whispered—no, cried—his name with an unbridled love and passion that had been dying to escape from the moment he found me in the locker room with Travis and Zach, and I practically devoured his mouth in mine. He returned every emotion, my precious, perfect lover; his hands gripped me tightly as I melted into the sweetness of his lips, his kiss taking my breath away, my angel, oh, my angel…

I felt myself moaning into his mouth, half from the pleasure from tasting him, and half from the frustration that was starting to build inside of me again.

“Let it out, Nicklas.”

There was a strange calmness in his voice…he was silent, staring at me with those eyes that broke my heart. I shook my head.

“I’m fine.”

“No, it’s much worse to hold in emotions. I’ll listen, Nicklas. You need to let it all out and talk—

I interrupted him by grabbing him into a fierce hug and squeezing him so tightly he could hardly breathe. He made little choking noises but nevertheless managed to press a kiss to my cheek and force out a strangled “it’s okay”. I held him there like that for quite a while, eyes shut tight, wanting to feel him against me, to know he was there. Each movement of his limbs made my heart beat hard against my chest, and each noise from his mouth forced me to sigh. When I finally loosened my grip, I stared at him, pouting, lip pushed out and eyes wide and discouraged. He worked his arms out from under mine and wrapped them firmly around me, pulling us together and holding me with all of the love he possessed.

“You can take it out on me if you want,” he said quietly, a glint in his eyes.

I felt myself on the verge of tears. Grabbing his shoulders, I pulled him close to me, my fingers digging into his back. I undressed him quickly, my hands starting to work his boxers off, and he didn’t hesitate to do the same to me, both of us falling onto the bed tangled in each other’s arms.

“Anssi, what do I do wrong?” I sighed, exasperated. He kissed me tenderly while running his hands along my back.

“It’s not your fault, Nicky…none of it is…”

After a few moments of desperate kisses and whispered words, my moans of frustration, arousal, and want ringing in his ears, he lay down on his back and put his hands gently on my hips, softly rubbing me with his fingers. I rolled on top of him, chest heaving, wanting to melt into my Finnish friend, to be with him forever, joined in this passion that had brought us together in the first place. Positioning myself above him, I leaned down to take his lips in mine once more before reaching my fingers down to press at his opening. He made eye contact with me, lips trembling, eyes blazing. I could tell he was hesitant; I don’t think he had ever done this before. He jumped a little at the contact, but he kissed me deeply again, clearly trying to distract himself. I added a second finger, and finally a third, feeling him move under my hand uncomfortably. I was still shaking from frustration, but for now that wouldn’t stop me from being gentle with my Anssi. I moved my fingers slowly, pushing as carefully as possible.

“Just relax, Anssi...I won’t hurt you.”

He knew it. He knew how much I loved him.

Removing my fingers, I took a deep breath as I began to enter him. I clutched his shoulders as I tried hard to lower myself into him without a lot of force, gasping at the feel of our contact. Inch by inch I sunk into him, watching his eyes carefully. He let out a strangled breath, his fingers reaching for mine. I clutched them firmly.

“You alright?”

He moved slightly under me.

“Hurts,” he sighed, and I quickly started to pull out of him, not wishing to hurt my best friend in any way.

“No.”

He stopped me, pulling me back down into him forcefully. I gasped as my cock was squeezed in a most wonderful way. “Continue. Let out your anger. Don’t be gentle; I’ll be fine.”

I shook my head, holding my breath as I felt him hot and tight around me. At the moment I wasn’t even thinking about frustration, only about this Finn who was the only person in the world whom I wanted, who could bring me so much happiness.

I drew him into a deep kiss, forcing my tongue into his mouth and tasting him with soft moans. My eyes squeezed shut, arms wrapping around his warm body, feeling his strong muscles contract from having me inside of him. I slowly began to move, the friction and heat sending intense pleasure throughout my body, throughout every limb. I could hardly keep my thoughts straight, but one thought managed to hiss in my mind as I myself hissed in pleasure.

I wouldn’t have him anymore. I finally loved someone, after so long, and now we have to be separated. He’d be here, and I’ll be there…grey eyes wouldn’t greet me every day, no smiling Finnish eyes, no cheerful words, no gentle touch. The frustration came back into my mind. It rushed in like a storm, surging through my mind as powerful and forceful winds. I’m sure my eyes were filled with fire. Oh, I couldn’t take it any more…

I was no longer gentle. I pushed him hard to the bed, biting his lips, wanting to feel him then for all that I would be missing him when I was gone. He whimpered in shock, perhaps pain. I breathed heavily and slammed into him again and again, forceful and harsh, not moans but cries falling from my lips, letting every ounce of my frustration pour into him. He didn’t move, didn’t make a sound. His body was defenseless underneath mine, and I felt a wave of uneasiness wash over me. Was I hurting him? I couldn’t tell. I wondered if he wanted this or not. I kissed him gently, and his eyes remained closed. Oh, that heartbreaking face of his! His body was like a sacrifice, for me. He was doing this to make me feel stronger, more powerful in my own right…to let out the pain of leaving…

I drove into him faster, harder, listening as his breathing quickened as I found that spot inside of him. I desperately tried to find it again, to make him smile, or at least enjoy this…

My hands wrapped around his cock and I tugged gently, glad to hear his voice, finally. It was a quiet, strangled moan, my name.

“Nicklas!”

I repeated the gesture, his cries tightening into gasps. I felt myself nearing my climax as he drew short breaths, quiet, choking ‘uhn’s, breathing hard with every plunge into him. His heat was so much…with one final tug and one last thrust, we both reached for each other and pressed our lips together as pleasure claimed us, nearly leaving me breathless. His cock pulsed against my stomach and my own spasmed inside of him, the breathtaking result of our contact, intense and sensational. I cried out loudly and nearly shouted his name, but he was practically silent, his breath caught somewhere in his throat. I continued to stroke him as he shuddered with his orgasm, soft moans barely able to escape his lips. His eyes closed again. We both stopped convulsing and lay still.

My hands exhaustedly wandered to his face, brushing his hair out of his eyes. He didn’t open them, but took a deep breath, his hand reaching up to clasp mine. I squeezed it warmly and kissed him with every ounce of love that was left in me, just to let him know how much he was appreciated.

“I love you, Anssi. I really do.”

He nodded, his hand trailing over my cheek.

“I know. I love you too.”

I tucked my head under his chin, nuzzling close to him. He cocked his head until his cheek was resting on my hair. My eyes closed, and I let out a long breath.

“I hope you aren’t upset anymore…” his voice came shuddering, fragile on my ears. I lifted my head and looked at his face, shocked at hearing how broken he sounded. A few tears glistened on his cheeks, his eyes were sad enough to make my heart break. My strong Anssi was crying. Oh god, I hoped I hadn’t done it to him…I’d never, ever hurt him intentionally…

“Are you…okay? You didn’t want this…god, Anssi, no…I hurt you…I’m so sorry—”

He forced his lips over mine, cutting me off, tears running onto my cheek as he kissed me, whimpering.

“No, I wanted that…I wanted you,” he sighed, squeezing me warmly, “you didn’t hurt me.” His lips rested on my forehead and he nearly stopped breathing entirely.

“What’s wrong, then?”

I heard him exhale deeply.

“You are just so perfect.”

I was confused. Flattered, but confused. I looked into his eyes questioningly.

“I…don’t quite know what you mean.”

“ I will miss you, silly,” he laughed through a few tears. “You make me so happy. I need you. I just don’t know what to do without you.”

My heart melted. Oh, I understood exactly what he meant. I tried not to think about it. Not to think about Lowell, not about leaving, just about Anssi. I held his face in my hands, leaned over him, and pressed a kiss to his forehead. Drawing my head down, he did the same to me, brushing his soft lips over my skin. He laughed a quiet, loving laugh that made my eyes tear up with a mixture of happiness and sadness that I didn’t know what to do with. His piercing grey eyes seemed to be glowing with love, and I kissed him one more time.

Confidence. Confidence for my Anssi.

“I’ll be back soon,” I whispered, closing his eyes with my fingers and drawing the blanket over us. Yes, I would be back. Outside, the sun had just begun to set, and with the dusk came a peaceful promise of a warm, loving sleep. As my eyes began to close as well, I whispered once more into his ear.

“ I promise.”

Конец

Comments

[tinydancermags.livejournal.com]

This was lovely. The team togetherness at the beginning and Nicky's desperation and Anssi willing to do whatever he could to help... Just wonderful. :)

[brylinmoygyeroy.livejournal.com]

Aw, thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it:) Thanks for reading!

[lovelyracketeer.livejournal.com]

Wow, this was really nice. <3 I love how Nicklas's teammates are trying to rally around him to make him feel better. It was really sweet, but in a believable way.

Also... you write awesome smut. xD

[brylinmoygyeroy.livejournal.com]

Thank you!! Teammate love is so happy:) I'm glad it was believable...I was hoping it would be. And thank you, I'm glad you think my smut-writing it awesome, haha. Yours is pretty darn good too. Seriously. You'd better be writing soon, because you write wonderfully.

Thanks so much for reading and for your comment:)

[twentyseven.livejournal.com]

Travie and Zachy are soooo adorable together. This was hot. I love your writing so much. There's always so much emotion, but then, wow! it gets hot.

You're amazing.

[brylinmoygyeroy.livejournal.com]

Aww, thank you so much!! Zach/Travis is such love, haha. I'm really glad you liked this! I always look forward to your comments. Thank you for reading!

And by the way, you'd better be writing more soon.:)

[twentyseven.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you like my cracked out comments. Haha. I will read anything you write. I ♥ you THAT much! hahaha.

I've been taking a little time off from writing with finals coming up and papers being due. (Also, I was held at butter-knife-point by one of my friends to do some het fics for her. Hhaha)

[cpexplosion.livejournal.com]

*melts* ohh you totally just made my brain melt with cuteness =P
I love how you write these two - and the added Zajac and Parise is a total bonus ;) I'm really getting attached to this pairing!

[brylinmoygyeroy.livejournal.com]

Eee, thank you! Such a complement:)
I'm really glad you like this pairing! It's a little random but it works:) And Zach/Travis is always a bonus, haha.

Thanks so much for reading and for your comment!

[revuko.livejournal.com]

Wow... the feeling in this is so amazing and real.
Haha, what's with us and enjoying our character's suffering?
The end is touching to the point that I started tearing up (in a public place no less) and I could literally feel the love between the two, even when they will soon be seperated by miles :(
It's a good thing they were both sent back down then.
Argh I fail a comments... just know that this is fabulous and even though I have no idea who these two are, I felt a connection to both, as if they were one of my sharkies!

[brylinmoygyeroy.livejournal.com]

Aww, thank you so much!
Um...I don't know what's up with us and making them suffer, haha. We love them maybe? That still doesn't make any sense...
Oh, I'm glad that you could feel their emotions and felt a connection to them, without knowing either at that! That's a huge compliment and I thank you:) My aim is to stir emotions, haha.
No, you do not fail at comments! I really appreciate it. Thanks so much for commenting and reading!

......more of your story soon? Please?