fic: take a chance on me 1/1

[frala.livejournal.com]

TITLE: Take A Chance On Me
AUTHOR: Frala
E-MAIL: frala at hotmail dot com
DISTRIBUTION: Just at Perchance to Dream
DISCLAIMER: I neither claim any ownership to any of the characters aside from the ones I made up. And I'm not implying anything about any of the characters in real life. Its all fiction, none of it actually happened, I made it up.
RATING: R, m/m, language etc.
TEAM: Vancouver Canucks .
CHARCTERS: Ryan Kesler. Mentions of Alex Burrows and Kevin Bieksa.
SUMMARY: A simple photo opens up all of Ryan's feelings about the past.

~~

Take a chance on me
If you change your mind, I'm the first in line
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down
If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie
If you put me to the test, if you let me try

~~

Reasons why housework is hazardous have nothing to do with any injuries you might have happen, not for me anyway. For me it's all about finding things I thought I had poked away far enough to not have to look at anymore.

And then I end up getting some notion to go through something and there it is.

Doesn't matter how much time has passed, doesn't matter if things got made up, and mended, or anything like that. Seeing it when I wasn't expecting to, hurts as fresh as it ever did. Only now there's a little more regret, and so much more sprinkled in.

One simple picture, not even a personal one, but one Vinnick took, poked in the back of a drawer in an envelope and my mind was gone back to a million memories, all at once.

~~

He walked into the room and I thought about not saying anything at all to him, thinking every time I looked at him even it'd be so clear how I felt that I couldn't bring myself to do it.

But he called out my name and I rose up and walked to him, putting my hands on his shoulders and taking the quick hug he gave me. Way quicker than I thought, because he spotted Alex and just when the picture snapped I'm looking at him with this light in my eyes and he's looking right fucking past me.

~~

Not the sort of memory that I want. But one that I have so many times, it's a wonder that I needed the photo to remind me.

It was months of that, months of me not telling him, and then wanting to tell him so badly, when it was too late. Wondering if I'd only decided that I wanted him so badly after I knew it wasn't a possibility, so it was safe for me, then feeling so strongly for him so deep inside me that I knew that wasn't true.

I remember going to their wedding. And Alex asked me to give a speech, and all I could think about was getting up in front of everyone, which is bad enough for me anyway, and repeating to myself over and over not to do something ridiculous like blurt that I was in love with Kevin.

I managed to muddle through and even had a dance with each of them. Alex going on and on about how happy he was and me looking back at him and knowing that he had absolutely no idea how much his words hurt.

And thank god for that.

As much as I knew I loved Kevin, I knew even more that I didn't want to lose my friends, and say what you will, but that's the kind of thing that loses you friends.

I'd watched them pledge their lives to each other and promise things to each other that made my heart ache, and say things I couldn't even imagine anyone ever saying to me, and still I had some hope. I knew even then that it was stupid to hold out, but knowing something is pointless and stopping yourself from feeling it is entirely different.

Later on as the night got longer and later, and more and more drinks had been drank; I had my time alone with Kevin. He was in that sort of glassy eyed but not totally drunk stage and he hugged me, leaning his head on my shoulder and I could feel... feel happiness radiating from his whole body, in a way that I don't think I've ever had anyone feel about me and I knew there was nothing for me to say or do.

All I could do was to make things bad. How could I look at him as happy as that and think, shit, think about anything else but making sure he stayed that happy?

So I hustled out of there and spent so much time, keeping my distance after that too.

For most of the season we were casual, out after a game a few times. Running with Alex every now and then. Just close enough to call ourselves friends, but not close enough that anyone would ever guess.

And you'd think all those months; hell all those years would have made a difference?

So did I.

I settled down some, moved on, moved away, but nothing and no one ever got Kevin out of my head.

Last time I spent any significant amount of time with him was in the offseason, we were still teammates then, though by the end of summer we weren't. I had gotten roped into spending some cottage time with them. I took the guy I was dating at the time and we were there for a few days.

More drinking, swimming, fun, fires, talking, god so much talking, but the good kind, we all seemed to be making it work out. Of course we were, I was the only one with any issue.

And then me and Kevin went for a walk alone one night along the beach and the talk got serious, about the future, about our careers, he asked me about the guy I was with, looking concerned when I told him it wasn't serious.

It slipped that I was in love with someone I couldn't have and Kevin did the requisite, friend thing with the whole 'what kind of an idiot wouldn't want you' speech, and I couldn't hold it back anymore.

I spilled my guts, and he stood there, his jaw dropped and his face flushed, opening and closing his mouth a couple of times, like he had absolutely no idea what to say to any of that.

Shit, I had no idea what to say and I'd had years to deal with it all. He'd had about five seconds. Finally he reached in and hugged me hard whispering that he was sorry.

I know... I even knew then, deep down that came from a good place inside him, but hearing him say it, knowing he felt sorry for me, just, everything all piled up at once and I bolted.

I made up some bogus story for Alex and my guy and we were out of there. That guy was out of my life before we even got back to Michigan.

Whatever, at that point I could have cared less.

I walked away.

And Kevin let me.

Oh that's not fair to say and I know it.

But back then it felt like it, and I cant change the past any more than I could change anything else.

The only thing I have any control over is me and how I went on with things from there.

You know I'd love to say I was the bigger man and tried to be friends and that he extended that arm too and things worked out. But it's fair to say none of that happened.

Years passed, distance grew more and more, and enough time passed that it's only ever so often I even think about all the details. I still have feelings for him that haven’t gone away, but the don't envelop me like they have been since I saw that picture again.

I still hold out hope.

That one day somehow we'd find our way to one another, through some set of circumstances or other. But I just have to think about the two of them, and how amazingly perfect they are for each other, and I know that's unlikely.

Love like that just doesn't end.

Ever.

But neither does hope.

THE END

Comments

[mformilly.livejournal.com]

I don't think I should be feeling good about how this one turned out... but the three of them, god, I sometimes hate how it's so flexible, any one of them can easily be with another one or the other one!

[frala.livejournal.com]

I know there was SO MANY ways this could have ended but driving home the other night I had the perfect way to do it and then did a lot of rewriting to make it work. it is kinda freaky how they could all three of them slip in and out easy. Thanks for reading and liking how it turned out!

[nefarious1729.livejournal.com]

I feel like such a dork but I think I know what picture that started the reminiscing. And I love that picture. I also loved the bittersweet feeling this story left after I read it. The three of them are such a perfect love triangle. I really liked this story.

[frala.livejournal.com]

I dont think thats dorky AT ALL! :D I hoped it'd be a picture most Nuck fans would know exactly which one it was hehe. thank you and they really are a perfect love triangle, Oh boys. thanks for reading adn for the fb!

[offside.livejournal.com]

AAH GOD THAT PICTURE WAS SO BEGGING FOR A FIC, AND YES THIS IS PERFECT. capslock!!!!!1

i love how with all three of them, it can go either way with any one of them; i love that this was from kesler's point of view and that it wasn't all flowers and roses because there are so many dynamics between them, so many ways they can end up together. i love this, a lot. poor kes, though. sigh.

[frala.livejournal.com]

I KNOW! heeeeeeee

i know its kind of a crazy mix but it really can with all of them and thats odd as hell! but its way cool too :D thank you so much for the fb!!

[thought-ribbons.livejournal.com]

ahhh *HEART BREAKING* dude! never a happy ending! but oh so bitter sweet!

*POKES*
TREVOR THOMAS!

and you know you always say "Just perchance to dream" but you havn't updated in YEARS

[frala.livejournal.com]

ahh thank you so much *hugs*

hee :D eventually!

I know I need to rebuild it cause I lost the whole file when my computer crashed :(

[ljhockey.livejournal.com]

Beautiful. Just really beautiful, Frala.

I especially love this line:

Wondering if I'd only decided that I wanted him so badly after I knew it wasn't a possibility, so it was safe for me, then feeling so strongly for him so deep inside me that I knew that wasn't true.

I think each and every one of us has gone through something like this. I think that's one thing that makes your fics so heartfelt...we can all relate.

[frala.livejournal.com]

thank you so much *hugs* that means an aful lot to me *hugs* all of that and im really glad that comes across I kinda try to relate it somehow to something that is relateable?

[bkm5191.livejournal.com]

we can all relate.

I second what you said!

[frala.livejournal.com]

<3 thank you so much

[abby20.livejournal.com]

Awww. ::cuddles them all::

[frala.livejournal.com]

*hugs* thank you!

[bkm5191.livejournal.com]

Shit, I had no idea what to say and I'd had years to deal with it all. He'd had about five seconds. Finally he reached in and hugged me hard whispering that he was sorry. aww that line :( it's like either of them knowing what to do and both of them (maybe) knowing it isn't enough.

[frala.livejournal.com]

cause nothing but the obvious really is enough *nods* thank you so much :)

[cavefelem.livejournal.com]

So sad, and yet I loved it; especially the last three lines. There's so much in those simple words.

[frala.livejournal.com]

thankyou so much! hee im glad you liked it

[b-mofan07.livejournal.com]

it was so sad but I hope you write more amazing fics.

[frala.livejournal.com]

im sure I'll write more, glad you enjoyed! :D