2minsforslashing | Repercussions of the Kiss. Am I the only one... 38/??

Title: Repercussions of the Kiss. Am I the only one... 38/??

Characters: Todd Bertuzzi, Markus Naslund

Author: Mark
Rating: NC-17 (course language)

Note: Thank you Sue, for your encouragement and the massive amounts
of Beta-ing you have done for me.

Disclaimer: These stories are works of FICTION and DO NOT in any way
reflect the real lives, sexual preferences, or personalities of the
characters. They do not at any point infer that any of the persons
mention is Gay. This includes the times, real life events and names
that are referred to. I do not profit from any of this.

Repercussions of the Kiss. Chapter 38

Am I the only one...

Todd’s POV

It has been almost 4 weeks since I’ve talked to Markus, since then not a single call, message or even an e-mail. He is still refusing to take my calls. I’ve given up trying.

It doesn’t surprise me, it really doesn’t. He can be so fucking self centered most of the time, if everything isn’t just as he wants it, he doesn’t want to have anything to do with it. I just thought that I might have been more important to him than his petty little insecurities.

I know he is still pissed off at me for that stupid stunt of mine, but how many times do I have to say I’m sorry? And now I am going to pay dearly for it. They are actually going to press charges. Actually, they already have, as of yesterday, I am being charged with aggravated assault. I have to be back in court in two weeks to make my plea.

I was really hoping that he would have come back for my hearing yesterday, but he didn’t. The last time I talked to him would have been that day up in the Charlottes. I should have realized then that it was over. But me, being the fool I am, thought that maybe he would come home. So much of our last talk is starting to make sense. It ended when I had asked him if he was spending time with Peter. I wasn’t accusing him of anything, I just asked if he had seen him. He didn’t answer me, so I know that he had. It hurts knowing that he would keep that from me, but I think what hurts more is the fact that he isn’t willing to even talk to me about anything. His tone of voice was so cold, like everything that has happened, has happened because of me. Ok, a lot of this shit is my fault, but how many times do I have to say I’m sorry, and how long am I supposed to beg for his forgiveness?

And having him not show up at the hearing yesterday was the last straw. I can’t keep my life on hold for him, not anymore. He has been gone since the 25th of April. It has been two months to the day today that he has been gone.

It is obvious that I mean nothing to him.

I called and talked to his Mom this morning, she of course said that he wasn’t there, the same response I always get from her. I asked her to give him a message. Basically saying that I needed him to sign some papers as soon as possible. I didn’t get into the details, but I’m sure she got the idea that I was done with him, and if he didn’t come home, I was gone. I wasn’t going to wait around for him any longer.

I sit here, at our dining room table staring blindly at the papers in front of me. I didn’t want to have to do this, but he has given me no choice. I saw a real-estate agent this morning. Had the papers drawn up to sell the house. I know we own this together, but before we bought it, we had agreed on a few things. If we every broke up, one of us would buy the other out or we would just sell.

I don’t want this house, there are too many memories here. He can either buy my half or we sell it. The papers are all right here, all I need is for him to decide what he wants and sign them.

I can’t believe this is happening. He has been my life for the past 4 years. He didn’t even call me on our Anniversary. I wipe away tears as I push myself away from the table. I look out into the kitchen, then over to the living room. So many good memories here. Every room is filled with them, every nic-nack, every piece of furniture that we have, we have acquired together. This isn’t a home anymore, it is just a house. Nothing more than a house filled with stuff.

Stuff that at one time meant everything to me.

*****

I find myself sitting on the edge of our bed, three large suitcases lay beside me. I can’t stay here anymore. I haven’t even been able to sleep in our bed since he left, just the thought of being in here without him is killing me. I have spent most nights down on the couch, but I can’t stay in this house another night. Everything I look at, or touch, makes me think of him.

"God damn it Markus. Why do you have to be so..." Tears start to flow as the words stick in my throat. "Why do I have to love you so much..." I finally manage, before I wipe my face with the back of my sleeve. I stand and go to the closet. I start pulling out my clothes, carefully folding them into the suitcases.

I stand at the bottom of the stairs, my suitcases waiting beside the door. I look up the stairs, I can see him smiling as he comes down towards me. I close my eyes and shake my head.

‘Stop doing this to yourself.’

I go back to the dining room table, I leaf through the papers. I can’t believe that it’s all over. He really has no idea how much he means to me. I guess he really never felt the same way. I sit down and take a page from the writing pad and just start writing. When I am done, I fold the paper, and just write his name on it and leave it on top of the papers already there.

I separate my keys for the house off my key-ring and lay them on top of the note. I have no reason to ever come back here, I have everything I want in my few suitcases. He can have everything else.

I tilt my head, thinking I heard something from the garage. I wait patiently but there is nothing. I am just hearing things. Just as I push myself away from the table, I hear a key in the door.

Oh My God... He’s home.

He opens the door, looking at my suitcases as he place his next to them. He looks briefly up the stairs before he notices me standing at the table.

"Hi..." He almost whispers. I just stare down at the papers.

His hand is on my arm, I finally look into his eyes. He slowly wraps his arm around me, pulling me close against him. I can’t help but hold him, he smells so good, his body feeling so right against mine. I have wanted to feel him for so long. I can feel the tears ready to flow before I realize, I can’t do this. My whole body starts to shake as I push myself out of his arms.

"Baby..." He says softly, his hand still on my arm.

"I can’t do this..." I wipe away the tears. "I’m not going to let you do this to me. Not again..."

"What?"

I just look at him, those eyes that I fell in love with, staring back at me like he really doesn’t know why I am upset.

"You even have to ask? You have been gone two months." I struggle to remain calm. "Two fucking months... And the only time you called was when you were forced to. You didn’t even come for my hearing." I pull my arm from his grasp.

"That is why I am here."

"You’re a little late..."

"What?"

"That was yesterday." His mouth opens to say something. "You knew. I called, left messages on your cell. If you bothered to check your cell phone once in a while, you would know."

"I’m sorry, I lost my phone, I haven’t been able to check my messages." He says apologetically.

"I’m tired of your excuses. You could have called, I think you were just too busy with..." I almost choke on that name. He looks like I just slapped him across the face.

"I can explain, and I wasn’t with Peter..." He pleads, but I know his voice, I know when he is lying to me.

"You really expect me to believe that?"

"I saw him once, we just talked. Nothing happened." He reaches for me again. "I swear."

"I really am having a hard time believing you." I say, because I don’t believe him, he should know better than to try to lie to me.

"Nothing happened..." His voice trails off.

"But still..." I take a deep breath. "You could have called..." Barely above a whisper. "Do you have any idea how much it hurt knowing that you wouldn’t even talk to me."

"And you didn’t go running to Trent..." He throws back at me defensively.

"Don’t..." I say sharply. "Don’t you dare. He is my friend, he always has been there for me."

"Enough so that as soon as things are rough between us, you run to him."

I can’t believe he is still jealous of Trent.

"I was there, because... He almost died."

"What?"

"He had just gotten out of the hospital when he called you. He almost died up in the Charlottes."

"I didn’t know... he never, you never said..."

"Because you never gave me a chance to tell you before you fucking hung up on me. If you would have called back, you would have known this."

"I’m sorry, I didn’t know..."

"I know, that’s cause you’re too fucking hung up with yourself to even care what’s happening in my life."

"That’s not true..."

"It sure seems like it to me..." I can feel my blood starting to boil. I have never been a violent man, but right now, I feel like I could kill him.

"I’m sorry, I can explain..." He says softly.

"Explain. That is all I need is more of your fucking lies." I spit back at him.

"I have to get out of here..." I push past him towards the front door.

"Where are you going?

"Do you really care?" I say without looking back, opening the door, grabbing my suitcases and starting down the walk.

"Todd... Don’t..." I hear his voice crack. I stop in my tracks and turn back to him. He is standing just outside the door. I want to run back and hold him, to make everything better. But I’m not going to fall back into his trap again.

"There are some papers on the table for you to go over." I say coldly, turning and continuing on to my truck.

"Todd..." He sobs. "Where are you going?"

"As if you really care..." I throw my bags into the back of the truck and get into the cab.

"Please don’t..." His voice cuts to silence as I slam the door shut. I start the engine, grind it into gear and pull away from the house. I can’t look back, I can’t because if I do, I will never be able to leave. And leave is what I have to do. I have to do this for my own sanity.

"I love you Markus..." I say quietly to myself as the tears start to flow uncontrollably.

Markus’ POV

Oh my God, he just left.

I don’t even know where he is going. I have never seen him like this.

I stare down the street for a long time after his truck disappears from sight. I guess I deserve this. I have been a bitch about everything. I know he is right, I could have called. I wanted to, it’s just there was so much happening back home and as time went on, it just got easier not to. Yes, I was mad at him for what he did, but, I was more pissed at myself for allowing it to get to that point. I know that is no excuse for treating him like shit.

Now look at the fucking mess I’ve made.

I stand over the table, spreading the papers out. He wants to sell the house. Our house. He really is serious about this. I study the papers closely. There are three different copies here. One with a big X through it, as I read the print, this is the one for him to purchase my half of the house. The next is the contract for me to buy him out and the next is to just sell it outright.

I really had no idea it had come to this. I really am a Fuck. I have to find him and explain, though I really don’t know myself why I did what I did. I never meant for things to get this far out of hand. And now, it looks like I have pushed just a bit too far this time.

I notice his house keys, still on their little Canucks key chain that he cherished so much.

Everything sinks in...

He’s not coming back.

Oh my God. He’s really not coming back...

I notice the folded paper with my name printed carefully across it. Tears come to my eyes as I prepare to read what he has written. This past year, every little note he has ever written me is still upstairs in my bottom drawer. I love his notes, he has this amazing ability to make everything sound like a poem. I am almost scared to open it. I don’t want to read what he has written, even though I already know what this is going to say.

Markus...

Days have passed and there is still no sign of us.

Not a hint of what used to be, when you lived in that part of me.

This blinding silence lives in every room, of what once was a happy home, now I’m sitting here all alone.

Could this be that it was all a lie, and we're just afraid to say good-bye?

It's strange to know there's truth in what I say. Baby, I know you feel the same.

The truth is no one's to blame. Two lonely dreamers playing by the rules.

All I thought of was me and you, now we're faced with a simple truth.

I'd love to say that this is all a lie, but that just means I'm scared to say good-bye.

Am I the only one, who sees what we've become?

I see no sense in going on or asking what went wrong.

I sit and stare at what could be, we both just grew apart you see, and through no fault of our own, it's a house but not our home...

T...

It really is over.

He’s gone. He’s never coming back.

*Note from Todd, are the lyrics to, Am I the only one. by Marc Anthony