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[brylinmoygyeroy.livejournal.com]

Title: Loneliness and Desperation: Part Two/??
A/N: Lots of angst. I feel evil for doing this to Sasha. It pains me, but I really do plan to make it better. This story is absolutely kicking my ass. Besides finding it difficult to write, my brilliant little sister thought that it would be funny to change the font of this fic on my Microsoft Word to Tengwar. You know, that Lord of the Rings language that looks like this? Yes, Tengwar. Don't ask. And it was irreversible. SO unless you can read Tengwar, I lost the entire first version of this chapter and had to write it again. Anyway, enough of my complaining. I hope you like it! I'm sorry in advance for torturing Sasha. It's really hard for me to write.

Author: BrylinMoyGyeroy
Pairing: One-sided Alexander Ovechkin/Alexander Semin, mentions of Alexander Ovechkin/Nicklas Backstrom, eventually Sasha/???
Rating: PG-13?
Summary: Sasha's POV, Sasha is distressed about what will never be…
Disclaimer: not true, and I don't own anyone.
This is still for alyssa_rko . Please leave comments and criticism--I'm not sure how this one turned out. My style was a little different than normal. Thanks so much!

Part One

 

The day passed by slowly, it seemed to me, each hour I spent with Alex and Nicklas leaving my heart heavier and more aware of the pain that coursed through me. They were both trying hard to cheer me, but the thought had entered my mind and would not leave, repeating over and over again, he will never be mine. Watching them together and seeing the love that they held for each other was relieving and satisfying in a way—I loved them both dearly and was truly glad that they were so happy, but each tender gesture, each whisper reminded me of what I would never have, what I was so desperately missing. It broke my heart.

I found myself at the window often, watching the soft snow of winter fall from the sky until it gradually turned to bitter rain, adding to the grey dreariness of the day. When the company of my friends grew to be too much for me, the rain became my refuge. I was a regular Lear, sitting by the bare tree as I had done earlier, rain dripping down my cheeks like tears. Perhaps they were; I couldn’t tell in my numbness. I allowed myself to shiver, hugging myself in the cold as though it were his arms around me, finding solace in imagining those strong limbs around my body, keeping me warm.

Eventually Alex forced me to come inside, tucking me on the couch with a mug of that ‘vodka-cocoa’ he so loved to make.

“Sash, you’re killing me,” he told me as he sat down next to me, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder. “You’re going to get sick if you stay outside like that anymore.”

I sighed sadly, leaning my head against the back of the couch and closing my eyes.

“What does it matter?”

He ran his fingers through my wet hair, tugging it just hard enough to turn my face toward him. His expression was full of concern.

“We don’t want you to get sick. Sasha…what’s wrong? You’re miserable.”

An uncomfortable silence fell over us, and I turned away again, a deep breath escaping my lips. He waited patiently for me to say something, but when it was clear that I wasn’t going to talk, he simply wrapped his arm around my shoulders, drawing me in close.

“Whenever you’re ready to talk, I’ll be here,” he whispered. “Nicky will, too.”

I smiled slightly but kept my eyes closed, listening to the sound of his breath next to my ear. It was strangely comforting to me. It always had been.

***

Later that night, I lay awake in the room that was practically my own bedroom, alone but for the thoughts echoing persistently in my mind. What was I doing? I was torturing myself, living there at his house, tormenting my mind with his adoring friendship, hoping, looking for something deeper that he couldn’t give me. Why did I stay? Because I loved being with him. I needed him. He was my other half, completing me in every way that no one else could. I thrived on his affection. Without Alex, there would be no Sasha.

As my thoughts remained unquiet, I knew that sleep wouldn’t come. I lay there helplessly, sweat starting to bead on my brow, and I felt as though I were being slowly suffocated. Suffocated by the night, by loneliness, by my own screaming mind. I couldn’t breathe. It felt like more than just unrequited love then—it burned me inside; I felt worthless, useless, and unwanted.

Shaking, crying out loud into the darkness, I sat up straight, my chest heaving with panicked breaths. God, I was so cold. It was cold beside me as it always was, but then, as I glanced around the dark room, I felt more alone than I ever had before. All I had been feeling had finally reached a breaking point, and nothing would further restrain my emotions.

Pounding my fist into the pillow, I screamed as loud as I could. It was too much to bear. The months of longing for him bubbled out of me in tears and cries.

“Ya hochu umerat’! I want to die!”

I knew that it sounded crazy, but at that moment of fevered distress, I wished that I could disappear, cease to be entirely, so as to ease the pain of desperation. I hunched over as the tears spilled from my eyes, heaving and shivering with choking sobs. My hands curled into fists and I clutched at my hair blindly.

“Sasha!”

I hadn’t heard him come in, but I looked up to see him standing in the doorway, reaching quickly for the light. He looked terrified. He rushed to my side and started to enclose his arms about my shoulders, but I shoved him away from me aggressively, unable to bear the feeling of his body against mine, the kindness in his actions.

“No!”

I didn’t want his arms around me. Not then. No, I couldn’t even look at him.

Biting his lip, he waited uneasily on the end of the bed while I forced myself to stop crying. Fiercely wiping my tears away and sitting up as straight as I could, I took several deep breaths, eyes closed, trying to clear my mind of everything. Eventually I grew still and turned to him, blinking apologetically. My head was spinning. He pulled me closer to him cautiously, resting his palm against my forehead for a moment. Shaking his head, he pressed a light kiss to my brow.   

“Sash, you have a fever…”

From the rain, I assumed. I forced out a strangled cry and lay my head on his shoulder, feeling drained both emotionally and physically. I wasn’t even sure I could feel my own body anymore; I didn’t feel like Sasha Semin and it distressed me greatly. Was I dying? It certainly felt like it. My hand wandered to his side and clasped his tightly; I had to know he was really there with me, that he wasn’t just some delirious dream. He wasn’t. His fingers squeezed warmth and affection into mine, calming me, and he held me like that for a long while, whispering gentle words into my ear. When he was quite certain that I had calmed down (and I had nearly fallen asleep on his shoulder), he lifted my chin to look into my face. I stared back at him with pained eyes.

“Talk to me, baby. It kills me to see you like this.”

I shook my head.

“It’s nothing,” I sighed, playing with my thumbs absentmindedly. His eyes grew wide.

“Nothing?! You call this nothing?!”

He grabbed onto my shoulders, shaking me gently.

“This is not ‘nothing’, Sasha! You are very depressed about something—I’m worried sick about you!”

He saw that my eyes were starting to tear up again, and so he stopped shaking me, dragging me in to a tight embrace.

“You have to tell me what’s wrong. I want to help you. I need to, Sasha.”

His kindness was overwhelming at the moment, and even though I knew I needed his help, I couldn’t bring myself to force any words out. Instead, I leaned my head against his chest, my heart beating quickly when I felt the touch of his skin against mine.

“Alex, I can’t do this anymore…”

Silence returned to the room, both of us at a complete loss of words. God, I hated being an emotional wreck. He sighed sadly as his hands wandered over my head, pressing it closer to him, searching for something to say that might cheer me.

“I love you, Sasha,” he said quietly, the concern in his eyes showing clearly even in the darkness. I clenched my fists and shook my head, his words for once not comforting me but piercing my heart like a knife.

“Don’t say that,” I choked, turning away from him. My fever was speaking for me—the words that left my mouth sounded strange even to my own ears. “It—it will never be real—never mean a thing—”

“What do you mean it will never be real?” he cried, his breathing coming faster. Although I wasn’t looking at him, I could tell he had fire in his eyes. “Don’t you believe me? I—I don’t say that I love anyone without meaning it—” He sounded hurt. “Does it mean nothing to you? Sasha, I don’t understand you!”

“No, no—it’s different than that, Alex!” I nearly shouted, whirling around to face him. With a frantic movement, I grabbed his wrists, watching his eyes grow wide as I squeezed his fingers tightly, not caring if I hurt him or not. My breaths caught heavy in my throat. After a moment , a sudden wave of calmness washed over me, and I held his hands in my own, looking into his eyes, pleading silently with him to understand. Please, please, Alex.

My words grew softer, more controlled. “It’s more than that. Much more.”

“What do you mean?”

I took a deep breath.

“I mean—” I stopped. What did I mean? There was no way I could find the words I needed to explain my feelings.

“This…” I gently ran my hand over his cheek, sighing as I did so, “and this…” My fingers gently clasped his hands with the care of a lover, and I raised my eyes to look into his. They were clouded with a shocked sort of confusion. Still not breaking eye contact, I placed my palm against his chest, feeling his heart beating rapidly underneath it as my cool skin brushed his own. The tears returned to my eyes. I opened my mouth to say something, but only a shaking sigh escaped my lips. I pulled my hand away, having shown him all that I needed to. I loved him. 

He sat motionless, staring at me, mouth half-open, finally understanding. I regretted my gestures almost instantly. He would leave me. He wouldn’t tolerate such emotion from me, because he had Nicky, because he didn’t want anything like that from me. I was almost waiting for him to get up and go, but instead he looked at the floor, his shoulders bobbing with each breath he took. After a long time, he spoke, his words shattering the silence that had settled upon us.

“I’m sorry, Sasha.”

His voice was so quiet, so understanding when he said it. My cheeks burned with so many emotions; shame, embarrassment, sadness, love.

“Don’t be sorry. I didn’t mean to complicate things between us—it’s the dearest thing I have, Alex…our friendship means so much to me.” I took a deep breath. “I don’t want to lose you.”

“You won’t get rid of me that easily,” he chuckled softly, turning to face me at last. His blue eyes were clearer than I had ever seen them, and his emotions were shining in them, a deep sympathy for me, but also completely accepting.  Oh, I admired his loyalty. “I still love you, and you know that.”

“Thank you.”

He put his hand over mine. 

“I couldn’t ask for a better friend,” he began, smiling. “We’re like one person, Sasha. I need you.”

I nodded, facing the ground. His arms trailed over my back comfortingly.

“I love you,” I whispered, the words now falling easily from my lips, although the pain seemed to have grown. He closed his eyes.

“I know.”

It was all he could say. Slowly opening his eyes again, he stared into my face, and I looked at his features intently. Bright, expressive blue eyes, lips turned into a compassionate smile, pale skin, unkempt hair, crooked nose, a red, swollen cut above his brow. And to me, he was beautiful.

I started to shake again, the choking emotions returning, aching with a need to lie down. Perhaps sleep would help me. I motioned to the door, looking back over to him.

“You should go back to Nicky.”

His eyes darted from me to the door hesitantly, over and over again. I could tell he was torn between what to do.

“You…okay? I think I should stay with you.”

“Go,” I whispered, falling face-down on my pillow. I wanted him to stay, but I couldn’t let him. It would kill me. Quietly, I heard the door close and realized that he had left me.

I buried my head under the pillow, suddenly distressed to be alone again. These conflicting emotions were tearing my mind apart.

“Don’t leave me alone!” I choked, pressing my face into the sheets. I bit my lip, trying to pull my emotions together again. I had to stop this…

The door opened behind me, and I quickly sat up to see him once more, happy that he had come back. He was dragging a very sleepy Nicky by the arm, and, smiling at me, pointed to my bed.

“Move over.”

Watching the glint in his eyes, I couldn’t help but laugh, rolling as far from the edge as I could. God, I loved him. He lay down beside me, wrapping a comforting arm around my body. Nicklas was already asleep again, snoring softly.

“You are not alone in this,” he whispered next to my ear. “I’ll always be here for you, no matter what.”

I was so grateful to have him there with me.

“Thank you.”

Sleep started to overtake me, closing my eyes after so much had happened, my mind completely exhausted. For the first time that night, the darkness was comforting and welcome instead of suffocating.

“Pittsburgh,” I heard him say, words sleepy as he braided his fingers into my hair. “In two days we play Pittsburgh. Think of how badly we will beat them. Think of that.”

I did. We would beat them. Pittsburgh, Fleury, Evgeni and…oh god.

Sidney Crosby.

***
 

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