Repercussions of the Kiss. PUSH... 37/??
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2minsforslashingTitle: Repercussions of the Kiss. PUSH... 37/??
Characters: Brendan Morrison, Trent Klatt, and Ed Jovanovski
Author: MDSikora
Rating: NC-17 (Adult situations.)
Note: Thank you Sue, for your encouragement and the massive amounts
of Beta-ing you have done for me.
Disclaimer: These stories are works of FICTION and DO NOT in any way
reflect the real lives, sexual preferences, or personalities of the
characters. They do not at any point infer that any of the persons
mention is Gay. This includes the times, real life events and names
that are referred to. I do not profit from any of this.
PUSH...
Brendan’s POV
I stare out over English Bay from this living room that still seems so foreign to me.
I have lived in this apartment for more than seven months now and I still feel like a stranger here. Not very much of my time here has been good, except the last little while with Ed. He saved me. I really believe that with out him in my life, I would have ended it a long time ago. He pulled me through one of the most difficult times I have ever had to face and for that I will always be grateful.
But... Something happened with Ed when we were up in the Charlottes. He has been so different since we got back home. I don’t know how to explain it other than something was different. Very different.
A couple of days after we got back to Vancouver, he broke up with me. No real reason, nothing else said about it. He gave me my keys back and just left. I’ve tried calling him a few times during the past week and a half, but he is not even answering his phone. I don’t even know if he is still in the city. Anyone who has asked about him, I have just told them that he is in Florida visiting his kids.
Something is different with Trent too. He’s gone back to Minnesota to see his parents. I haven’t talked to him since he left, I’m scared that if I do, I would find myself telling him about Ed, and I can’t do that right now because I know he would be back here in an instant. Not that I wouldn’t love him to be back, but I need to sort out my life first.
Even I feel different since that day on the beach. I haven’t had a single nightmare, I’m not scared of my own shadow any longer. For the first time in a very long time, I actually am glad that I am alive. I thought at first these feelings were because Joe is actually dead, but I’ve realized that’s not the reason at all. Joe’s death is just a very small part in my change in attitude. I believe that when I finally stood up to him on that beach, showed him that I was not afraid of him anymore, that I was ready to die rather than put up with his shit any longer. That was the real breakthrough. I mean, sure, I was scared, I really thought I wasn’t going to leave that beach alive that day, but I had put up with enough torment from that monster. He controlled every aspect of my life up to that point. I was scared to sleep, I was scared to go anywhere. I swear though, if Eddie hadn’t been here for me over the past few months, I really don’t think I would still be here. I had come so close so many times to just ending it, but Eddie was there and brought me back from the edge. He was the only solid thing in my life throughout this mess. I know Trent wanted to be there for me, but I just wouldn’t let him. I don’t know why, but I just couldn’t.
I got a call from Evan last night. He was worried about me, he wanted to know if I am still having the dreams. He was relieved when I said that I hadn’t had one since I got back home, I never said anything to him about me and Ed either, cause I know he is probably in touch with Trent. It’s too bad that those two couldn't work things out, I really like Evan, he seemed to bring out a lot of the old Trent that I had known. I am relieved that he is going to be ok. He almost died out there, he almost died trying to protect me. He is one person I would really like to keep in touch with.
I know Ed loves me, but honestly, I can’t understand why he put up with me for as long as he did. I did nothing but flaunt my desire for Trent the whole time we were together. I guess some people will put up with almost anything for the one they love. I know if I had ever walked in on my boyfriend, fucking his old boyfriend, I could have never forgiven him. I don’t know how he did it, but now, I can’t understand what he is doing. It’s not like I did anything when I saw Trent this last time. Ed knows I was worried about Trent, he understood why I had to be up there. Then all this shit with Joe, Trent was there for me. But nothing happened, Ed knows that. I have realized that Trent and I will never be able to be together, and I do love Eddie. I just wish he would talk to me.
I need to know what I did wrong.
I am brought back to reality by the ringing of the phone.
“Hello...” I say, hoping it is Ed.
“Hey there...” My heart flutters at the sound of his voice.
“Trent...”
“Are you ok?” He asks, those three words almost bring tears to my eyes.
“Um... Yes, I’m fine.”
“How’s the head?”
“Good...” I answer, I hear him take a deep breath.
“Bren...” He pauses briefly. “I know...”
“What?” Knows what? What does he know? “What are you talking about?”
“Are you ok?” He asks softly.
“I’m fine...” I say, trying my damndest to sound alright.
“Brendan...” His voice so caring.
“Uh... I gotta go. Someone’s at the door.” I say, making up an excuse just to get off the phone. I can’t be breaking down in front of him, he will know something is wrong.
“Brendan...”
“I will call you later... I gotta go...” I say quickly and hang up.
Jesus Christ. I can’t let him know what is going on. I want nothing more than to have him here right now, but I have to talk to Ed first, I need to find out what is happening with us.
I jump at the sound of a soft knock on the door. I wipe my face as I reach for the handle. Please let it be him, I need to talk to him so badly.
“Ed...” I start as I pull the door open.
Not the person I was hoping for.
“I asked if you were ok...” Trent says, leaning against the frame, a little smile on his face, holding his cell phone in his hand. “And you just hang up on me...”
“I’m fine...” I say as I turn and walk back into the living room.
“Bren, I know you better than you think.”
“What do you know?” I turn and snap back at him. “What the hell do you know?”
“Sorry...” He puts his hands up almost defensively. “I’m just worried about you.”
“Why?”
“Ed called me...”
“What?” I almost scream at him. “What did he say?”
“He told me he left...” He says softly. “I’m sorry...”
“I can’t fucking believe this.” I can feel myself getting angrier by the moment.
“He wanted to make sure you were ok.”
“If he wants to make sure I was ok, he should fucking call me.”
“He can’t... He doesn’t...”
“Why can’t he, I have been sitting here wondering what the hell I’ve done wrong for a week.” I almost scream at him. “He can call you , but he can’t talk to me?” I am shaking so badly right now, I feel like hitting someone.
“Bren...” He touches my arm. I yank myself away from him.
“Don’t...” I say, but he places his hand on my shoulder. “Please don’t...” He slowly pulls me into his arms. I try to resist, but I can't hold back any longer. I wrap myself around him and start to bawl.
He just holds me tightly, my head pushed deeply against the side of his neck.
“It’s going to be ok...” He whispers softly as he gently rubs my back.
“I don’t understand. What did I do?” I manage to cry into his shoulder.
“Hey...” He lifts my head and looks into my eyes. “You didn’t do anything...”
“Then why?” I ask as he wipes my cheek with his thumb.
“Fuck, he really didn’t say anything to you did he?” He asks, I just slowly shake my head.
“Oh man...”
He takes me by the hand and leads me to the couch, he sits, pulling me down beside him.
“He never said anything to you about the three of us?” I look up into his eyes. I have no idea what he is referring to.
“Ok...” He takes a deep breath. “Eddie came to see me up in the Charlottes.”
“Yeah, I know, I was there...”
“No... I mean before you came up, before I ended up in the hospital. Just before he went to Florida.” He almost whispers as he squeezes my hand gently. “He asked me something.”
I just stare at him, I had know idea Ed had talked to him about anything.
“He was terrified that he was going to lose you...”
“So he dumps me instead...” I cut in.
“No...” He says as I look down as he squeezes my hand gently. “It’s not like that at all.”
“Then what?” I snap back
“He really does love you...” He says softly.
“Then why?”
“He knows you belong with someone else.”
“What?” I look up at him.
“He just wants you to be happy.” He pauses. “He knows that’s not with him.”
I just look at him, I know he is right. There is only one person I dream about all the time, and that’s not Ed. The man I want is sitting right here beside me.
“You know what he asked me when he came to see me?” He says quietly; almost like he really doesn’t want to tell me. “He wanted me to be a part of your life.”
“I don’t understand...”
“He wanted me to help make you happy, so that he could still have you in his life. He wanted to try and make something work between the three of us.” He says almost shyly.
“I didn’t know...”
“I know. I realized that just now when I came in. You really didn’t know...”
I just stare at him, I didn’t know that Ed had made him this offer. More surprised that he never said anything to me about it.
Did Ed actually realize that my feeling belonged to someone else? Am I that obvious?
Oh God... I’m so sorry Ed, I never meant to hurt you, I really didn’t.
“I have to talk to Eddie...” I say quietly as I slip my hand from under Trent’s. “But I don’t know where he is, he’s not answering his cell.”
“Here...” Trent hands me his cell phone. “He’ll answer if he thinks it’s me calling.” He stands as I take the phone from his hand. “I’ll go so you can talk in private. Call me if you need to talk, I’m at the Rosedale.” He says softly as he heads for the door. I stare at the phone in my hand, I hear the door click closed as he leaves my apartment.
I dial Ed’s number, it takes a bit for it to connect. It only rings once before someone answers it.
“Trent...” I hear his voice. I find myself unable to speak. “Uh, Trent. You there?” He asks.
“Ed...” I manage to whisper.
Ed’s POV
“Bren...” I almost choke on his name. Neither of us say anything for several seconds.
“I’m sorry...” We both say at the same time. I notice a movement out of the corner of my eye, I see Evan standing just inside the door, he just smiles and leaves the room.
‘Just be honest with him...’ Evan’s voice echoes in my mind.
“I see Trent is there...”
“Uh... I uh...” He stutters.
“You just called me on his phone...” I say, realizing that he might think I am upset that Trent is there. “Baby... It’s ok, I asked him to check on you.”
I can hear him take a deep breath before he asks. “Why?”
“Cause I was worried about you.” I respond.
“No...” He says softly. “Why did you just leave?”
“I don’t know, it was just easier.”
“For who?” He adds quickly.
“Brendan...” I close my eyes, my voice softening. “You know I love you. You are the most important person in my life.”
“Then why?”
“I’m not the person you are meant to be with.”
“I’ve told you... Nothing is going on with us, it’s over.” He says quietly.
“I know... But, you still love him...”
“I love you.” He sounds on the edge of losing it.
“I know you do. But I can never be Trent. You two are meant to be together, I’m giving you that chance.” I say, the sounds of him almost sobbing on the other end, bringing me to the edge. “I want you to be happy, and you need to be with him for that to happen.”
The line is quiet for a long time, I almost think he has hung-up, finally he says.
“He told me that you had gone up to see him...”
“Yes, I did...”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” He asks quietly.
“Bren... I wasn’t proud of what I did. I knew I was going to lose you sooner or later, and I thought if I could include him in our life, maybe things could last between us.” I take a deep breath. “I was willing to do anything to hang on to you...”
“Eddie... I wasn’t going anywhere.”
“Not yet...”
“Not ever...” He quickly responds.
“You can’t say that.” I say calmly as we both are crying.
“Baby... I’m giving you the chance to try and work things out with him. I will always be here, I love you. But I need you to be happy.”
“I’m sorry...” He sobs into the phone.
“Bren, baby. You’ve done nothing to be sorry for. I’ve always known how important he was to you, I just hoped that I could take his place.”
We talked for a long time, I think he realizes why I am doing this. It is for the best. He knows I love him, he knows I will always be there for him. I hope that he and Trent can work things out, they need to be with each other.
I had told him that I was in Florida with Kirstin and the girls. Which is a lie, but I was there. I poured my heart out to Kirstin, more than I ever have. She wants to try and work things out, she’s not angry with me, I don’t see how she couldn’t be, but as I’ve said before; she is a remarkable woman. I really want to try to make it work between us. We will have a lot of things to work out, but at least she is willing to try. I want to have my girls back in my life so badly, I hope we can do this.
I arrived back up here in Masset a few days ago. Evan wanted me to come up and spend some time with them when he got out of the hospital. They both know what happened with Joe in that hospital room. Both he and his Mom say that there is no way that I could have been responsible for his death, I just wouldn’t be capable of that. The autopsy said he had an aneurism, more than likely from the bashing that Brendan had given him on the beach. I just happened to be with him when it happened. I still can’t help but feel responsible. I am still having nightmares about it.
They have taught me a lot in the short time I have been here. They are amazed at how much control I have with this. In these last few days, I have learned how to focus on a single person's thoughts, even if I am not actually touching them, touch always seemed to be the key factor. I can read Evan even if he is quite a distance away. Like now, he is sitting out on the end of the dock, where his boat used to be moored. He is worried about me, about how my talk with Brendan is going. But yet, still wondering about how he is going to replace his boat. I find this man amazing, he is such a caring man. He won’t admit it, he is in love with Trent, but he will get over it, he knows where Trent belongs.
I’m glad to see he’s recovering so well. It has been just over two weeks since he was shot and other than that horrible scar he is going to have on his chest, he really seems fine. I can sense that he is in a bit of pain sometimes, but he never would complain about it. I am so relieved that he is going to be ok.
His Mom on the other hand, she keeps herself closed most of the time, she says she is just more comfortable that way. I have sensed that she blames all of us for what happened to her son, not that I could blame her, Evan did put his life on the line for us. But she is willing to help me learn to control this gift.
They have also taught me to be able to turn it off, how to close my mind to others. Because, honestly, it can get a little unnerving knowing every thought of another person. I think that I might actually be able to live with this gift without actually going insane.
Tomorrow, I am flying back to Florida to work on being a father to my daughters and a husband to my wife again.
Trent’s POV
It is getting late, I don’t imagine that I am going to hear back from Brendan tonight. It has been almost five hours since I left him to talk to Ed. I understand why Ed did what he did. I know about his gift, I know that he knows Brendan’s true feelings, it would be impossible to live with a man, knowing that he is in love with someone else. It’s not that Brendan doesn’t love him, it’s just that he is not the person he desires to be with, whether or not he is willing to acknowledge that or not. Ed is just doing what he feels needs to be done.
I know this leaves things open for me to jump back into the ring, but for some reason it just doesn’t feel right. I don’t think I can do that to Ed.
I had talked to Ed about his little ‘Proposal’ when we were up on the island. I actually considered taking him up on his offer, but when I actually sat down to talk to him, I realized that it wouldn’t be fair to him. Sure, it would have been great for me, for Brendan, but what about Ed? He didn’t need me there rubbing his face in the fact that the only way to keep his boyfriend happy is to include someone else in the mix. It just wasn’t going to be fair to him, he deserved better. But I never thought that he would break things off with Brendan. That was the last thing I expected, I guess that if he wasn’t able to read Brendan’s thoughts, he might have tried to stick it out, but being able to do that would be just twisting the knife deeper and deeper all the time.
I talked to Todd briefly earlier tonight. I am surprised that Markus still hasn’t called him since that day up at Evan’s. I have never heard Todd like this, I was tempted to go over and make sure that he was ok, but I don’t think that would be a very good idea. Even though we only had sex once over a year ago, I still feel something there for him, I think I always will. I realized this when he was up in the Charlottes, so I think it is better to stay away from him for now. The last thing I need is to have something stupid happen between us again. I called Trevor to ask him if he could drop by and check up on him, but he wasn’t home, I talked to Thomas instead.
Even though Thomas has never really liked Todd, he was going to go over and check up on him. He knows he is hurting and is worried about him. And at a time like this, Todd needs all the friends he can get.
I wish I had Markus’s number in Sweden, cause I would call him again and rip another strip off him. I can’t believe what a fucking jerk he is being, and I can’t believe the way he is treating Todd. Especially with his first court appearance just a few weeks away. I hope Markus gets off that fucking high horse of his and is back here for that, Todd is going to need all the support he can.
I had finished a steak sandwich and fries I had ordered up from room service. I am standing at the bathroom sink, brushing my teeth, my thoughts, as always returning with full force back to Brendan.
It is amazing, even after everything that we have been through, how much I still love him. I have never felt this way about anyone. I think my feelings for him are stronger now than they were when we were together. And this having another chance to work things out is scaring the shit out of me. I don’t want to rush back into this and find that we just aren’t compatible any longer. Yes, I know we both still love each other, but is that going to be enough to get us through the past eight months. Things have changed so much for both of us. And I still live in Los Angeles. I know that there is still a possibility that we may not be playing in the fall, but what if we do, then what? We will be in two different cities again.
I want to take it slow, I don’t want to push him into anything that he might not be ready for. Or something that I might not be ready for. I don’t know why this is scaring me so badly. I love him and that should be enough, but... I loved him before, and it wasn’t enough to keep us together. I realize that there was a lot of crap happening, but we should have been able to work through that. What if we can’t again? What if he isn’t even willing to try? After all, Eddie and him did just break up. He might not even want to try to get back into something right away, or ever for that matter.
I am just slipping under the sheets when I hear a soft knock on the door. I pull on my boxers and look through the peep-hole before pulling the door open.
“Bren...” I say softly. He looks like he has been crying, he tries his best at a forced smile. I take his hand and pull him into the room.
“You ok?” I ask, he just shrugs his shoulders as he steps past me.
“I brought your phone back...” He says quietly; pulling my phone from his jacket pocket and holding it out to me. I reach to take it from his hand, my fingers coming into contact with his. Our eyes lock as my hand wraps around his. I slowly pull him against me, he almost melts against me, his head buried against the crook of my neck.
“Why do I always fuck everything up?” He cries against me.
“You didn’t fuck anything up.”
“Then why do I keep pushing everyone who cares for me away?” He says softly. I lift his head from my shoulder and look straight into his eyes, my hands on the side of his face.
“I’m still here...”
Every time I look at you, the world just melts away
All my troubles, all my fears dissolve in your affections
You've seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land
I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do 'cause you're to good to fight about it
Even when I have to push just to see how far you'll go
You wont stoop down to battle but you never turn to go
Your love is just the antidote when nothing else will cure me
There are times I cant decide when I cant tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I'd drown
But you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I'm OK
Sometimes that’s just what we need to get us through the day
You stay the course, you hold the line, you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
You're all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe
Push by S McLachlan
Characters: Brendan Morrison, Trent Klatt, and Ed Jovanovski
Author: MDSikora
Rating: NC-17 (Adult situations.)
Note: Thank you Sue, for your encouragement and the massive amounts
of Beta-ing you have done for me.
Disclaimer: These stories are works of FICTION and DO NOT in any way
reflect the real lives, sexual preferences, or personalities of the
characters. They do not at any point infer that any of the persons
mention is Gay. This includes the times, real life events and names
that are referred to. I do not profit from any of this.
PUSH...
Brendan’s POV
I stare out over English Bay from this living room that still seems so foreign to me.
I have lived in this apartment for more than seven months now and I still feel like a stranger here. Not very much of my time here has been good, except the last little while with Ed. He saved me. I really believe that with out him in my life, I would have ended it a long time ago. He pulled me through one of the most difficult times I have ever had to face and for that I will always be grateful.
But... Something happened with Ed when we were up in the Charlottes. He has been so different since we got back home. I don’t know how to explain it other than something was different. Very different.
A couple of days after we got back to Vancouver, he broke up with me. No real reason, nothing else said about it. He gave me my keys back and just left. I’ve tried calling him a few times during the past week and a half, but he is not even answering his phone. I don’t even know if he is still in the city. Anyone who has asked about him, I have just told them that he is in Florida visiting his kids.
Something is different with Trent too. He’s gone back to Minnesota to see his parents. I haven’t talked to him since he left, I’m scared that if I do, I would find myself telling him about Ed, and I can’t do that right now because I know he would be back here in an instant. Not that I wouldn’t love him to be back, but I need to sort out my life first.
Even I feel different since that day on the beach. I haven’t had a single nightmare, I’m not scared of my own shadow any longer. For the first time in a very long time, I actually am glad that I am alive. I thought at first these feelings were because Joe is actually dead, but I’ve realized that’s not the reason at all. Joe’s death is just a very small part in my change in attitude. I believe that when I finally stood up to him on that beach, showed him that I was not afraid of him anymore, that I was ready to die rather than put up with his shit any longer. That was the real breakthrough. I mean, sure, I was scared, I really thought I wasn’t going to leave that beach alive that day, but I had put up with enough torment from that monster. He controlled every aspect of my life up to that point. I was scared to sleep, I was scared to go anywhere. I swear though, if Eddie hadn’t been here for me over the past few months, I really don’t think I would still be here. I had come so close so many times to just ending it, but Eddie was there and brought me back from the edge. He was the only solid thing in my life throughout this mess. I know Trent wanted to be there for me, but I just wouldn’t let him. I don’t know why, but I just couldn’t.
I got a call from Evan last night. He was worried about me, he wanted to know if I am still having the dreams. He was relieved when I said that I hadn’t had one since I got back home, I never said anything to him about me and Ed either, cause I know he is probably in touch with Trent. It’s too bad that those two couldn't work things out, I really like Evan, he seemed to bring out a lot of the old Trent that I had known. I am relieved that he is going to be ok. He almost died out there, he almost died trying to protect me. He is one person I would really like to keep in touch with.
I know Ed loves me, but honestly, I can’t understand why he put up with me for as long as he did. I did nothing but flaunt my desire for Trent the whole time we were together. I guess some people will put up with almost anything for the one they love. I know if I had ever walked in on my boyfriend, fucking his old boyfriend, I could have never forgiven him. I don’t know how he did it, but now, I can’t understand what he is doing. It’s not like I did anything when I saw Trent this last time. Ed knows I was worried about Trent, he understood why I had to be up there. Then all this shit with Joe, Trent was there for me. But nothing happened, Ed knows that. I have realized that Trent and I will never be able to be together, and I do love Eddie. I just wish he would talk to me.
I need to know what I did wrong.
I am brought back to reality by the ringing of the phone.
“Hello...” I say, hoping it is Ed.
“Hey there...” My heart flutters at the sound of his voice.
“Trent...”
“Are you ok?” He asks, those three words almost bring tears to my eyes.
“Um... Yes, I’m fine.”
“How’s the head?”
“Good...” I answer, I hear him take a deep breath.
“Bren...” He pauses briefly. “I know...”
“What?” Knows what? What does he know? “What are you talking about?”
“Are you ok?” He asks softly.
“I’m fine...” I say, trying my damndest to sound alright.
“Brendan...” His voice so caring.
“Uh... I gotta go. Someone’s at the door.” I say, making up an excuse just to get off the phone. I can’t be breaking down in front of him, he will know something is wrong.
“Brendan...”
“I will call you later... I gotta go...” I say quickly and hang up.
Jesus Christ. I can’t let him know what is going on. I want nothing more than to have him here right now, but I have to talk to Ed first, I need to find out what is happening with us.
I jump at the sound of a soft knock on the door. I wipe my face as I reach for the handle. Please let it be him, I need to talk to him so badly.
“Ed...” I start as I pull the door open.
Not the person I was hoping for.
“I asked if you were ok...” Trent says, leaning against the frame, a little smile on his face, holding his cell phone in his hand. “And you just hang up on me...”
“I’m fine...” I say as I turn and walk back into the living room.
“Bren, I know you better than you think.”
“What do you know?” I turn and snap back at him. “What the hell do you know?”
“Sorry...” He puts his hands up almost defensively. “I’m just worried about you.”
“Why?”
“Ed called me...”
“What?” I almost scream at him. “What did he say?”
“He told me he left...” He says softly. “I’m sorry...”
“I can’t fucking believe this.” I can feel myself getting angrier by the moment.
“He wanted to make sure you were ok.”
“If he wants to make sure I was ok, he should fucking call me.”
“He can’t... He doesn’t...”
“Why can’t he, I have been sitting here wondering what the hell I’ve done wrong for a week.” I almost scream at him. “He can call you , but he can’t talk to me?” I am shaking so badly right now, I feel like hitting someone.
“Bren...” He touches my arm. I yank myself away from him.
“Don’t...” I say, but he places his hand on my shoulder. “Please don’t...” He slowly pulls me into his arms. I try to resist, but I can't hold back any longer. I wrap myself around him and start to bawl.
He just holds me tightly, my head pushed deeply against the side of his neck.
“It’s going to be ok...” He whispers softly as he gently rubs my back.
“I don’t understand. What did I do?” I manage to cry into his shoulder.
“Hey...” He lifts my head and looks into my eyes. “You didn’t do anything...”
“Then why?” I ask as he wipes my cheek with his thumb.
“Fuck, he really didn’t say anything to you did he?” He asks, I just slowly shake my head.
“Oh man...”
He takes me by the hand and leads me to the couch, he sits, pulling me down beside him.
“He never said anything to you about the three of us?” I look up into his eyes. I have no idea what he is referring to.
“Ok...” He takes a deep breath. “Eddie came to see me up in the Charlottes.”
“Yeah, I know, I was there...”
“No... I mean before you came up, before I ended up in the hospital. Just before he went to Florida.” He almost whispers as he squeezes my hand gently. “He asked me something.”
I just stare at him, I had know idea Ed had talked to him about anything.
“He was terrified that he was going to lose you...”
“So he dumps me instead...” I cut in.
“No...” He says as I look down as he squeezes my hand gently. “It’s not like that at all.”
“Then what?” I snap back
“He really does love you...” He says softly.
“Then why?”
“He knows you belong with someone else.”
“What?” I look up at him.
“He just wants you to be happy.” He pauses. “He knows that’s not with him.”
I just look at him, I know he is right. There is only one person I dream about all the time, and that’s not Ed. The man I want is sitting right here beside me.
“You know what he asked me when he came to see me?” He says quietly; almost like he really doesn’t want to tell me. “He wanted me to be a part of your life.”
“I don’t understand...”
“He wanted me to help make you happy, so that he could still have you in his life. He wanted to try and make something work between the three of us.” He says almost shyly.
“I didn’t know...”
“I know. I realized that just now when I came in. You really didn’t know...”
I just stare at him, I didn’t know that Ed had made him this offer. More surprised that he never said anything to me about it.
Did Ed actually realize that my feeling belonged to someone else? Am I that obvious?
Oh God... I’m so sorry Ed, I never meant to hurt you, I really didn’t.
“I have to talk to Eddie...” I say quietly as I slip my hand from under Trent’s. “But I don’t know where he is, he’s not answering his cell.”
“Here...” Trent hands me his cell phone. “He’ll answer if he thinks it’s me calling.” He stands as I take the phone from his hand. “I’ll go so you can talk in private. Call me if you need to talk, I’m at the Rosedale.” He says softly as he heads for the door. I stare at the phone in my hand, I hear the door click closed as he leaves my apartment.
I dial Ed’s number, it takes a bit for it to connect. It only rings once before someone answers it.
“Trent...” I hear his voice. I find myself unable to speak. “Uh, Trent. You there?” He asks.
“Ed...” I manage to whisper.
Ed’s POV
“Bren...” I almost choke on his name. Neither of us say anything for several seconds.
“I’m sorry...” We both say at the same time. I notice a movement out of the corner of my eye, I see Evan standing just inside the door, he just smiles and leaves the room.
‘Just be honest with him...’ Evan’s voice echoes in my mind.
“I see Trent is there...”
“Uh... I uh...” He stutters.
“You just called me on his phone...” I say, realizing that he might think I am upset that Trent is there. “Baby... It’s ok, I asked him to check on you.”
I can hear him take a deep breath before he asks. “Why?”
“Cause I was worried about you.” I respond.
“No...” He says softly. “Why did you just leave?”
“I don’t know, it was just easier.”
“For who?” He adds quickly.
“Brendan...” I close my eyes, my voice softening. “You know I love you. You are the most important person in my life.”
“Then why?”
“I’m not the person you are meant to be with.”
“I’ve told you... Nothing is going on with us, it’s over.” He says quietly.
“I know... But, you still love him...”
“I love you.” He sounds on the edge of losing it.
“I know you do. But I can never be Trent. You two are meant to be together, I’m giving you that chance.” I say, the sounds of him almost sobbing on the other end, bringing me to the edge. “I want you to be happy, and you need to be with him for that to happen.”
The line is quiet for a long time, I almost think he has hung-up, finally he says.
“He told me that you had gone up to see him...”
“Yes, I did...”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” He asks quietly.
“Bren... I wasn’t proud of what I did. I knew I was going to lose you sooner or later, and I thought if I could include him in our life, maybe things could last between us.” I take a deep breath. “I was willing to do anything to hang on to you...”
“Eddie... I wasn’t going anywhere.”
“Not yet...”
“Not ever...” He quickly responds.
“You can’t say that.” I say calmly as we both are crying.
“Baby... I’m giving you the chance to try and work things out with him. I will always be here, I love you. But I need you to be happy.”
“I’m sorry...” He sobs into the phone.
“Bren, baby. You’ve done nothing to be sorry for. I’ve always known how important he was to you, I just hoped that I could take his place.”
We talked for a long time, I think he realizes why I am doing this. It is for the best. He knows I love him, he knows I will always be there for him. I hope that he and Trent can work things out, they need to be with each other.
I had told him that I was in Florida with Kirstin and the girls. Which is a lie, but I was there. I poured my heart out to Kirstin, more than I ever have. She wants to try and work things out, she’s not angry with me, I don’t see how she couldn’t be, but as I’ve said before; she is a remarkable woman. I really want to try to make it work between us. We will have a lot of things to work out, but at least she is willing to try. I want to have my girls back in my life so badly, I hope we can do this.
I arrived back up here in Masset a few days ago. Evan wanted me to come up and spend some time with them when he got out of the hospital. They both know what happened with Joe in that hospital room. Both he and his Mom say that there is no way that I could have been responsible for his death, I just wouldn’t be capable of that. The autopsy said he had an aneurism, more than likely from the bashing that Brendan had given him on the beach. I just happened to be with him when it happened. I still can’t help but feel responsible. I am still having nightmares about it.
They have taught me a lot in the short time I have been here. They are amazed at how much control I have with this. In these last few days, I have learned how to focus on a single person's thoughts, even if I am not actually touching them, touch always seemed to be the key factor. I can read Evan even if he is quite a distance away. Like now, he is sitting out on the end of the dock, where his boat used to be moored. He is worried about me, about how my talk with Brendan is going. But yet, still wondering about how he is going to replace his boat. I find this man amazing, he is such a caring man. He won’t admit it, he is in love with Trent, but he will get over it, he knows where Trent belongs.
I’m glad to see he’s recovering so well. It has been just over two weeks since he was shot and other than that horrible scar he is going to have on his chest, he really seems fine. I can sense that he is in a bit of pain sometimes, but he never would complain about it. I am so relieved that he is going to be ok.
His Mom on the other hand, she keeps herself closed most of the time, she says she is just more comfortable that way. I have sensed that she blames all of us for what happened to her son, not that I could blame her, Evan did put his life on the line for us. But she is willing to help me learn to control this gift.
They have also taught me to be able to turn it off, how to close my mind to others. Because, honestly, it can get a little unnerving knowing every thought of another person. I think that I might actually be able to live with this gift without actually going insane.
Tomorrow, I am flying back to Florida to work on being a father to my daughters and a husband to my wife again.
Trent’s POV
It is getting late, I don’t imagine that I am going to hear back from Brendan tonight. It has been almost five hours since I left him to talk to Ed. I understand why Ed did what he did. I know about his gift, I know that he knows Brendan’s true feelings, it would be impossible to live with a man, knowing that he is in love with someone else. It’s not that Brendan doesn’t love him, it’s just that he is not the person he desires to be with, whether or not he is willing to acknowledge that or not. Ed is just doing what he feels needs to be done.
I know this leaves things open for me to jump back into the ring, but for some reason it just doesn’t feel right. I don’t think I can do that to Ed.
I had talked to Ed about his little ‘Proposal’ when we were up on the island. I actually considered taking him up on his offer, but when I actually sat down to talk to him, I realized that it wouldn’t be fair to him. Sure, it would have been great for me, for Brendan, but what about Ed? He didn’t need me there rubbing his face in the fact that the only way to keep his boyfriend happy is to include someone else in the mix. It just wasn’t going to be fair to him, he deserved better. But I never thought that he would break things off with Brendan. That was the last thing I expected, I guess that if he wasn’t able to read Brendan’s thoughts, he might have tried to stick it out, but being able to do that would be just twisting the knife deeper and deeper all the time.
I talked to Todd briefly earlier tonight. I am surprised that Markus still hasn’t called him since that day up at Evan’s. I have never heard Todd like this, I was tempted to go over and make sure that he was ok, but I don’t think that would be a very good idea. Even though we only had sex once over a year ago, I still feel something there for him, I think I always will. I realized this when he was up in the Charlottes, so I think it is better to stay away from him for now. The last thing I need is to have something stupid happen between us again. I called Trevor to ask him if he could drop by and check up on him, but he wasn’t home, I talked to Thomas instead.
Even though Thomas has never really liked Todd, he was going to go over and check up on him. He knows he is hurting and is worried about him. And at a time like this, Todd needs all the friends he can get.
I wish I had Markus’s number in Sweden, cause I would call him again and rip another strip off him. I can’t believe what a fucking jerk he is being, and I can’t believe the way he is treating Todd. Especially with his first court appearance just a few weeks away. I hope Markus gets off that fucking high horse of his and is back here for that, Todd is going to need all the support he can.
I had finished a steak sandwich and fries I had ordered up from room service. I am standing at the bathroom sink, brushing my teeth, my thoughts, as always returning with full force back to Brendan.
It is amazing, even after everything that we have been through, how much I still love him. I have never felt this way about anyone. I think my feelings for him are stronger now than they were when we were together. And this having another chance to work things out is scaring the shit out of me. I don’t want to rush back into this and find that we just aren’t compatible any longer. Yes, I know we both still love each other, but is that going to be enough to get us through the past eight months. Things have changed so much for both of us. And I still live in Los Angeles. I know that there is still a possibility that we may not be playing in the fall, but what if we do, then what? We will be in two different cities again.
I want to take it slow, I don’t want to push him into anything that he might not be ready for. Or something that I might not be ready for. I don’t know why this is scaring me so badly. I love him and that should be enough, but... I loved him before, and it wasn’t enough to keep us together. I realize that there was a lot of crap happening, but we should have been able to work through that. What if we can’t again? What if he isn’t even willing to try? After all, Eddie and him did just break up. He might not even want to try to get back into something right away, or ever for that matter.
I am just slipping under the sheets when I hear a soft knock on the door. I pull on my boxers and look through the peep-hole before pulling the door open.
“Bren...” I say softly. He looks like he has been crying, he tries his best at a forced smile. I take his hand and pull him into the room.
“You ok?” I ask, he just shrugs his shoulders as he steps past me.
“I brought your phone back...” He says quietly; pulling my phone from his jacket pocket and holding it out to me. I reach to take it from his hand, my fingers coming into contact with his. Our eyes lock as my hand wraps around his. I slowly pull him against me, he almost melts against me, his head buried against the crook of my neck.
“Why do I always fuck everything up?” He cries against me.
“You didn’t fuck anything up.”
“Then why do I keep pushing everyone who cares for me away?” He says softly. I lift his head from my shoulder and look straight into his eyes, my hands on the side of his face.
“I’m still here...”
Every time I look at you, the world just melts away
All my troubles, all my fears dissolve in your affections
You've seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land
I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do 'cause you're to good to fight about it
Even when I have to push just to see how far you'll go
You wont stoop down to battle but you never turn to go
Your love is just the antidote when nothing else will cure me
There are times I cant decide when I cant tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I'd drown
But you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I'm OK
Sometimes that’s just what we need to get us through the day
You stay the course, you hold the line, you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
You're all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe
Push by S McLachlan
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