So I'm even later than most (I got sidetracked yesterday going back and tagging entries--I had to make sure I could find all your parts!)
I loved the twist at the end, I was totally not expecting it. :)
My feedback for improvement:
* I was a little unclear, especially at the beginning, who the narrator was. If I was beta'ing this, I would say we need to get into Zach's head a little earlier in the piece to make it clear we're seeing this from his POV.
* I couldn't tell who was saying what, especially at the beginning...and when that happens, I lose the story.
I did go back and re-read it once I figured out who was likely saying which line, because it's you. :)
If you'd like more constructive suggestions, let me know! (*heads off to read the next part*)
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Date: 2006-11-29 05:28 pm (UTC)I loved the twist at the end, I was totally not expecting it. :)
My feedback for improvement:
* I was a little unclear, especially at the beginning, who the narrator was. If I was beta'ing this, I would say we need to get into Zach's head a little earlier in the piece to make it clear we're seeing this from his POV.
* I couldn't tell who was saying what, especially at the beginning...and when that happens, I lose the story.
I did go back and re-read it once I figured out who was likely saying which line, because it's you. :)
If you'd like more constructive suggestions, let me know! (*heads off to read the next part*)