2minsforslashing | Tumbling Down: Part 14; Angst, PG (Reply)

Waugh, I don't even know if I can call this series angst anymore, it's gotten so...so fluffy.

More of an idea of where I'm going with the fic now; no worries. I have the end planned out, it's just getting there that's the issue. Me = scattered.
But my boy Nikky is coming back and will be playing Monday and that makes me oh-so happy, even if I can't watch the game! *little dance*
This part takes place immediately after 13.

Disclaimer: thees bee faikee

Title: (And They All Came) Tumbling Down Part 14
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG
Players: Various; Sergei Fedorov (POV)
Pairing: Sergei Fedorov/Nikolai Zherdev

Parts 1-6
Parts 7-9
Parts 10-11
Parts 12-13

-

Part Fourteen

Later that night, after a suitably bland meal—pasta and a white sauce with a mozzarella base; I was warned off tomatoes in any form—I was just turning off the lamp next to my bed, about to go to sleep, when a soft knock sounded on my door.

“Come in,” I called, stifling a yawn.

Nikolai eased the door open, slipping inside my room. He was wearing a pair of pajamas bottoms that were a little too big on him, toes peeking out from under the pale blue material, and a loose old t-shirt with some weird character on the front. His hair was mussed, even messier than usual, and he had dark bags beneath his eyes. I frowned a little in concern.

“Nikky?

He hesitated.

“I can’t…sleep,” he mumbled, staring at the ground. “I’m sorry. I was—I was wondering…” he trailed off.

Wordlessly, I flipped over the blankets next to me. Nikolai’s features relaxed in relief at my understanding, and I watched as he crept to the side of the bed. The mattress dipped as he crawled in beside me, and I reached over to tuck the covers around him.

You never did like sleeping alone.

I turned off the light and settled down with my back to Nik, feeling a little awkward. Here we were: lovers, once; and I felt uncomfortable with him in my bed.

It made my heart ache.

But barely a minute had passed before Nik erased the gap between our bodies. I nearly jumped out of my skin as his hand slid across my side, his arm wrapping around my waist as he pulled flush against my back. Warm breath tickled the back of my neck and I twined our fingers together, raising them to my lips and kissing the back of his hand. His breath was soft against my skin and I closed my eyes, lulled by the gentle sound of his breathing.

There was once a time where we would do this almost every night. Stumble into bed after a long day of practice, or after a game; and just lie there, curled up in each other’s arms. I would brush the ever-messy hair from Nikolai’s eyes and he would smile at me sleepily, gray gaze half-lidded as he fought to keep from falling asleep, always losing the battle. I didn’t mind at all, however, as that gave me an opportunity to just watch him; just stare at the pouty bow of his lips, the strong line of his cheekbone, the graceful curve of his neck. He never liked it when I did it, always feeling awkward and self-conscious—but Nikolai was beautiful to look at. I could spend hours just watching him sleep, breathing soft and light with his lips slightly parted, eyelids fluttering in dreams.

Since I’d started seeing Nikolai, I’d gotten used to sleeping in the same bed with someone; a warm body curled at my side. After the crash I hadn’t been able to fall asleep at nights, tossing and turning just on the edge of unconsciousness—missing that solid presence lying nearby. It had taken Rusty, lying in bed next to me, reading while I slept, for me to catch a few hours of sleep. After a couple weeks I had finally adjusted, but—it was hard. There had still been that feeling of emptiness; of something wrong. Something missing.

“Sergei?”

I stirred at Nikky’s soft inquiry, rousing myself from the gentle slide into slumber.

“Mhm?”

He pressed his forehead against the nape of my neck, silent. After a few moments I let go of his hands and rolled over so I could face him, and was greeted with a troubled expression. I propped my head up on one hand, using the other to brush the tousled hair away from his eyes.

“Nikky? What’s wrong?”

He hesitated, looking away. I tapped him on the nose like a kitten and that got his attention, gaze returning to mine with a surprised blink. I offered a gentle smile.

“You can say anything to me, Nik; remember that.”

He nodded, and I rested my hand on his hip, waiting.

“I…” he began. “I feel like…I’m being a burden to you.”

Like hell you are! But I stifled the urge to vehemently deny his statement, keeping quiet; not wanting to interrupt.

“I feel like I’m a…a weight. A chain, somehow; making you do things you don’t want to be doing. Causing you problems. I don’t want to be that. I feel awful.”

“Don’t,” I said softly. “Don’t feel bad. You’re not a burden.”

“Then why do I feel like one?” he asked, helpless frustration in his voice. “You got sick, and I couldn’t do anything. I was useless. You were hurt and I couldn’t even remember the fucking street the hospital was on.”

“Nikky…” I reached up, cupping his cheek in my hand. “Nikky, it’s not your fault you lost your memory. Nothing’s your fault.”

His eyes were so very vulnerable. I pressed my lips to his cheek, next to my palm; trying to soothe away the ache that shone in his gaze. He bit his lip.

“Sergei, what—what would we be doing right now, if I had my memories?”

I raised an eyebrow.

You and me? Probably screwing like rabbits every chance we got.

“Probably traveling,” I admitted instead. “I wanted to take you places you’ve never been before. Paris, Venice, Prague, Oahu, the Florida Keys—I wanted to show you the world. Now that’s not really an option; you need to stay in places familiar to you.”

Nik looked crestfallen. “You mean I’m keeping you here? Because I lost my memory?”

I smiled gently. “You’re keeping me here because I love you—and that’s not something I consider to be a problem, Nikky.”

He searched my gaze hopefully.

“So you don’t feel—like I’m holding you back? From doing things?”

I shook my head. “Nope.”

Nikolai let out a shaky sigh of relief. The cheer that I saw light his face at my reassurance was wonderful to see, and I leaned forward, kissing him on the forehead. I looked into his eyes.

“When I say you’re not being a burden, I mean it, Nikky. Really. I love you. Your problems are my problems, and I won’t have you telling me any different.”

“But what about your problems?” he shot back quickly. “Aren’t they mine, too?”

I drew back, surprised.

Valid question. Valid point.

…but one I don’t like addressing.

Nik was watching me carefully. I suddenly recalled what Igor had said earlier.

‘All he’s seeing is you self-destructing, Sergei; not the reasons why.’

I shook my head, smiling ruefully. I wanted to keep Nik safe. I wanted to keep him happy and content, away from my own issues.

But it seemed he wouldn’t have any of that.

“I suppose they are,” I said softly. Nikolai smiled, a little triumphantly, and I chuckled.

“I want you to tell me,” he said. “All of them.”

I let out a breathless laugh. “All of them? That would take too much time. We can talk about it tomorrow.”

Nikolai frowned suspiciously. I stroked his cheek.

“Tomorrow,” I promised. “Really. You can kick my ass if I don’t. But it’s late, and we both need to sleep.”

Nik wrinkled his nose, so I kissed it, making him shake his head and laugh helplessly. So then I kissed his mouth; and he kissed back. I closed my eyes, reveling in the warm taste of him; wrapping my arm around him and drawing him close. He sighed into my mouth, a happy, contented sound, and when we broke apart his eyes were the softest gray I’d ever seen.

“I love you,” he whispered.

My breath caught. My eyes filled with tears, and then it was him holding me instead of the other way around. I rested my head against his chest, my heart throbbing; overwhelmed.

It was the first time he’d said it since before the crash, and those three little words were music to my ears.

“I love you too, Nikky,” I said hoarsely. “Love you so much. So much.”

He squeezed me gently, and I closed my eyes; listening to his heart beat, a steady thrum that grounded and reassured me of his existence—the lack of which had so shattered me those months ago. We twined together on the bed, and fell asleep in each others arms.

And I knew that, even without his memories, Nikolai was what made me whole.