thoughts and thinking.

[that-flies.livejournal.com]

Title: Thoughts and Thinking, Clouds and Sunsets, I guess my point is...it all leads back to him. Everything Does. 8/?
Pairing: Ryane Clowe and Joe Pavelski.
Rating: PG-13
Joe's POV
A/N: RYANE GOT RESIGNED. Now I can enjoy the rest of my summer. Hahah. Wow, I wrote on vacation. These boys follow me everywhere, I swear. Long over due I know.

The warm California sun beat down on me from the windshield of my car. Parked and with the AC running, I still couldn't escape the heated beams.
I opened my window and let the breeze in. My sweaty hands placed themselves on the burning steering wheel, one turned the ignition. The sound of my engine humming to life was eerily soothing.
I backed up and got on the road. I didn't know where I was headed. Just time for a drive. The palm trees raced past me on my way to the HP. The cool air flew onto my face and cooled me down. I really didn't know why I wanted to go there in the first place. Nothing was there for me yet.
I wanted to pull into the parking lot and just stare at the giant arena. Maybe memories would come flooding into my mind.
The park adjacent to the HP looked inviting. Trees, shade...serenity. I parked my car and got out. I breathed a sigh. The fresh air flooded my lungs and I took another breath.
I never realized how relaxing just standing here could be. I never took the time to notice before.
I turned around the look the the HP Pavilion. It was such a beautiful place even from the outside. I swear I could almost hear the thousands of cheering fans coming from behind its walls.
I walked onto the grass of the park and sat down. We are lucky to be in this area, I mean like it's like it's busy on this street and hey....a park right next to it?
I lie my head back and try to spot clouds through the trees. The grass tickles my face as the wind picks up.
The clouds gain a pink color the longer I look. A whole day without Ryane. I guess it shouldn't count as a day though, I'm just watching clouds.
The pink sky deepens into an orange and the outline of the clouds becomes darker. They turn into dogs and penguins and even a shoe.
One cloud makes me look harder. Maybe it's just me thinking about him or maybe it actually does look like him. I decide it's silly, close my eyes, and let my thoughts away.
The sunset was fading over the horizon and darkness taking over when I opened my eyes again. I hadn't been out for that long.
I walked over to my car and opened the door. I sat down in my seat and shut the door. My palms wrapped around the wheel.

The sky was vaguely dotted with stars when I pulled up in front of his place. I walked in and set my keys on the table. I didn't see any sign of him.
I didn't realize how tired I was until I sat down. Maybe it was just the chair. Oh yeah because the chair can totally have magical powers.
I entered the state otherwise known as sleep. You know, the one where it fills your head with insane dreams that can never happen and some you hope never happen?
You could say I'm there. The main subject of tonight's manifestation is none other than Ryane. He's the star of my dreams many a night but that's not the point.
Guess where we are? An empty beach somewhere in the middle of No Mans Land. Surrounded by nothing but sand, sun, and surf.
The light catches off little pieces of rock in the sand and blinds me for a second. The waves aren't that much better, the sun has caught them too.
The reason I say 'aren't that much better' is because of that one specimen standing right in them. Waves breaking all around and there he is, looking so pristine standing in the water.
Even with the sun hitting him and waves passing over his legs, he doesn't notice. He only has eyes for me.
Usually you think the dream is real even when you know it's not, but this...this one felt real. I know it wasn't, but just something about....
The way the wet sand felt beneath me as the wave went by. The way the water felt as it pounded into my chest and forced me to take a step back. So real.
He pulled me into his arms before I could catch myself as the next wave hit. He held me close and tight against his warm, wet body.
I could feel his arms flex as the waves kept trying to slip me out of his grasp. The next wave struck me right in the face and no matter how strong his arms were I dropped down.
The water washed over me and he picked me up and carried me back to the sand. He placed me down and looked me over.
I woke up and pulled myself out of the chair, but I wasn't exactly in the chair anymore. Naturally, I had ended up on the floor in front of the chair.
It was no use getting up now so my eyes shut and sleep welcomed me to it's realm again.

His finger brushed across my bare stomach and it tickled. I laughed and a smile came on my face. He did it again and I curled up from laughing so hard.
He put his face next to mine. The smell of him was intoxicating. He tended to do that, suffocate me into most of my wild dreams.
I know it was silly of me and seeing his face reminded me everyday, but sometimes I still didn't believe it was happening.
Still thinking it was my imagination, my mind speaking for the thoughts and all thinking it's one big fucking dream. Wow, why was it taking this long to sink in?
His questioning eyes found mine. I can tell he knows I've been thinking too much lately, I can't help it. Anyone in this position would think too much. Wouldn't they?
I knew he wasn't going to ask, he'd wait for me to bring it up. At the same time I wished he would just ask. I wanted to see if all these thoughts happened to him too.
I lugged my sleepy arm up to my neck and placed my hand on the chain. It never left my neck, well only for bed. I didn't want to end up choking myself by accident...
He placed his hand on my chest, feeling the thumping from my heart. Then he brought out my thought and put it up for debate. "You think too hard. Ease up."
I took slower breaths to slow my out of control heart. I honestly didn't know how he could touch me without warning like that. He knew what happened every time.
I smiled to myself. Of course he loved to see me and my heart go completely insane over him. He took pleasure in knowing he did that. He smiled back as if in agreement.
My hand was still on the chain and his eyes damn well knew it. The tiger pounced and placed his hand on mine. Fucking animal, had to love him though.
He placed his head on top of his hand, hearing the beating through my neck. He kissed my jaw and got up.

I literally screamed when I heard the news. I flung myself into his arms and pulled him tight against me. This was the best news of my whole summer.
The news I'd be waiting a month and three days for. The news of him getting resigned. Why had it taken them so long? Just ah. Relax. Breathe.
The lights flickered on in my eyes and Ryane kissed me. It flung me into even deeper clouds of heaven and out into space.
He rubbed my head. "Silly Pavs, you know they'd do it."
"They didn't have to! What if they didn't? I'd be a fucking mess!"
"Oh ssh. None of those thoughts." He cooed softly into my ear.
"It's only a year!"
"Pavs, turn off the thoughts. It's alright. A year is alright."
"It's not enough." I said only quiet enough for myself to hear.
He rolled his eyes and faced his back towards me. I walk behind him and pressed myself into his back.
"Pavs, I wonder about you sometimes. I just...I wonder about who you think I am. I wonder what you think of me."
"Ryane, I...I know I've been lost in my thoughts recently. I know it's been bugging you and I can't help it. I want the thoughts to go away. They just don't leave. I'm sorry."
"I think too kid. It's not just you. You're the not the only one lost in thoughts and doubt."
"I..."
I couldn't even finish my sentence. I didn't know what to say, it was like every word became some code to me. All the words I knew were gone.
I stood there in disbelief at his words. Ringing in my ears like an annoying cell phone you can't turn off.
Of course he wasn't a machine. He was a human, like me. We are after all, only human. Human thoughts and human gestures. I just didn't expect the same from him.
He was tougher than me, I of all people should know that. But still, I knew he had it too. Maybe it was just that connection we had to each other.
Him admitting that he wondered what I thought of him? I didn't even want to know how much that cost him to put out in the open.

I walked out to my car and slammed the door shut. Not like I actually could use more thinking time, I wanted out. Out of these thoughts crazy thoughts.
My car became a hell. All my anger pushed out through one hole. I bet if you looked hard enough you could see steam seeping out through the cracked window.
I looked in the mirror. My bright pink face staring back at me. I rammed my fist into it, knocking it down. I didn't care. Sudden angst brought on by my thoughts.
Great. A breakdown? I didn't know what to call it. I grabbed the bottle of aspirin and showed a few pills down my throat. Ok, definitely not in control now.
Wouldn't it be a bad idea to drive right now? I pull onto the 1-280 and take the drive to Mountain View. The scenery didn't change much.
The hills now next to me on the road were yellow-brown with the summer atmosphere. My mood had changed fast or maybe it was just the Aspirin.
I so got why they called them "pain-relievers" now. Well, I didn't know it was supposed to help this kind, but I'll take what I can get.
The green sign in front of me warns me the next exit is "Mtn View". I laugh at the abbreviation and take the exit. Inside of driving through I find the sign leading me back onto the highway.
I was ready to talk now, I was just hoping it wasn't going to be weird and awkward. I assumed too much too. Great, now I was noticing my flaws. Perfect.
I step in through the door.
"Ryane?"
"In here."
I follow the sound of his unusually soft voice. He's sitting in the water-filled tub, fully clothed with his head down facing down.
I don't even feel the water squishing it;s way into my jeans as I step in. My arms automatically climb around him and hold him as tight as I can.
"I'm sorry," escaped from his hoarse voice. "I didn't mean for you to storm out like that, I didn't know it would happen...I..."
"Ryane. Shh." Great now I'm the one telling him to take it easy. Isn't one of us being like this enough?
"Joe, put your hand on my face."
I do so and the warmth glides onto me.
"You're...why are you do warm?"
It was then that I noticed how hot the water was. "Shit!" I yelled as I jumped up. "Ryane, it's fucking hot in here!!" He wasn't listening.
I grabbed ice from the freezer and wrapped it in a paper towel. I climbed back into the tub and put it on his forehead. Is he nuts? Oh wait, I am too.
I pull him out of the tub and tear his wet clothes off. I wrap him in a towel and somehow manage to get him to his bed without falling on my face.
I push him up to a pillow and watch as his blue eyes shut. I didn't even know how much sleep he'd gotten lately. I closed the door and stepped into the kitchen.
I turned on the tv. Not much on. The coffee cup in my hands is draining by the second. I set it down and plop myself on the sofa.
My head gladly welcomes the big pillow beneath it. Once again. Slumberland, Fantasyland, Dreamland, all those lands...drift me off and away.
My last thought is of him. His tired, wet face somehow thanking me for coming back. I couldn't even make anything of it.
Well, guess this is Thoughtland too now. My permanent state of residence for the past...oh well it doesn't matter.
As long as I have Ryane, I guess I'll just have to put up with my silly little mind. So long and I'm out.