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[dragonblk17.livejournal.com]

__maryjane128 said I should post my two-shot here, and I said 'Why not?'. I've been watching this community for awhile, and you all have very lovely fics. :D I'd love to hear feedback from anyone, it is greatly appreciated.

Title: This Is How I Feel
Author: dragonblk17
Chapter: 1 of 2
Pairings/Characters: Thomas Vanek/Derek Roy
Word Count: 1,245
Rating: PG (Just to be safe)
Setting: Buffalo, New York
Disclaimer: I don't own Thomas or Derek, the rest of the Sabres, or the NHL. The only thing I own is a Thomas Vanek jersey, and it's pretty fabulous.



It wasn’t the emptiness of the Buffalo Sabres locker room that truly shot shivers down Derek Roy’s spine. No. It was the fact he thought he could still hear the faint chanting of ‘Let’s Go, Buffalo’ erupting from the arena, but he knew those were only from the sheer memories of the past season. The season that could’ve meant everything to everyone – the team, the fans, the city; slipped through their fingers again, just like water almost.
He didn’t know why he had come back over the summer. Something just deep inside of him told him to come - something important.

Derek slowly walked around the locker room, and took time to look at everyone’s locker tags. ‘Campbell’, ‘Numminen’, ‘Miller’; he read, as he passed by each one. Two particular ones caught his eye. They were the empty lockers that had yet to be replaced by any other players. He never even had a chance to say goodbye to either of them, and his usual happy-go-lucky smile was turned into a frown at the moment. Two great men who were truly going to be missed by this city and the team, and Derek could only stagger to think up of players who would actually be able to replace them. Himself, perhaps? Nah, he knew that was the last thing that would happen. He had a feeling Soupy or Tim could be the ones with the ‘C’ the next season.

With that last thought, he walked by what used to be a locker tagged with ‘Briere’ and he paused at the next one. Derek stared at the tag for a second before swiping his finger over the plastic covering the name. Dust had collected over the weeks without the room being occupied, and it was better to have the name clear than not. A small smile crept onto his lips, and he pressed two of his fingers against them. Derek touched the tag afterwards, and sat down on the bench underneath it.

The tag read ‘Vanek’.

He inhaled deeply and closed his eyes – picturing his lover holding him in his arms; Thomas’ blonde hair getting into Derek’s eyes as they snuggled close by a fire in Thomas’ home. Short, bittersweet kisses exchanged between both men as the heat from the fire warmed their bodies from the cold that seemed to be entering from the outside. Derek missed that, terribly. He missed Thomas’ smile, and the fact he always knew how to cheer Derek up when he was upset. He missed Thomas’ scent, which Derek swore he could still smell at that moment; as if it were just lingering in the air to make him miss him more. He knew already about Thomas’ contract, and the fact he would still be in Buffalo for at least seven years. Derek could remember the phone call he had received that day – he could tell Thomas was in tears by the incoherent words and sobs coming from the other end of the phone…

“Der, they…they…they re-signed me! They matched the offer!”
“Thomas, I…God…I can’t tell you how happy I am! Are you going to come back for a bit over the summer by any chance?”
“I might before training camp – I’ve missed you so much, Derek. After I heard I was staying, I knew that it only meant seven more years with you by my side.”
“…Thomas…that’s the thing…”
“..What Der?”
“I’m signing for arbitration in two weeks.”
“…So this means…”
“This might be our last chance – together.”
“So, this is just it then? You have me fall crazily in love with you, and you make it so the Sabres might not be able to pay you enough? Is that what you really want?”
“Thomas, no, th-“
“Derek, if you only knew how I truly felt about you…you wouldn’t do this. You wouldn’t do this to me!”
“Please, Thom-“
“I can’t listen to this, Derek, I’m sorry. I’m not going to listen to you tell me you enjoyed every minute of our relationship. The sex, the hugging, the kissing, the happiness we shared. I can’t handle it!”
“Thomas, please, let me explain!”
“…”
“…Thomas?”
*dialtone*

A small tear fell down Derek’s cheek as he remembered that day. Derek and Thomas hadn’t spoken since, and he felt for sure that was truly the end of it all. All he wanted to tell Thomas was that he was going to do everything in his power to stay as long as he could – just so that the two of them could be together for a bit longer. Now Thomas probably never wanted to see him again; if only he hadn’t opened his damn mouth about the arbitration, but…he had to tell him. He could never keep anything from Thomas; it just wasn’t right in the end.

With a shaky hand, Derek swept away the lone tear that had reached the base of his chin. The scent he had been able to smell earlier seemed stronger at that moment. Suddenly, he felt like there was another presence in the locker room with him.

“…Hey Derek.”

Derek opened his eyes slowly to find himself face to face with his lover – his own Thomas Vanek – whose eyes seemed to show both hurt and loneliness. His blue eyes stared right back into Derek’s own, and with one thumb; he swept away another small tear that began up by Derek’s left eye. “Thomas, you…why…?” Derek tried to choke out, but he could feel his throat constricting heavily. He was so happy to see Thomas again, but yet, wanted nothing more than forgiveness from his lover and the thought that he would accept his apology for everything.

“I had to come back, Roysie.” Thomas leaned his forehead against Derek’s, and breathed in slowly. Derek could hear the shakiness in his lover’s breath, and his lifted his hands to caress Thomas’ neck. “I needed to tell you how I feel about us - about you.”

“Oh God, Thomas, I’m sorry.” Derek belted out in a low sob, and hugged Thomas so tightly, it looked like he was in a death grip. “I need to know that you’ll forgive me, please forgive me…I’ll never be able to live with myself if you don’t.” He rubbed his nose against his boyfriend’s ear, and continued to cry silent tears that fell gently onto Thomas’ shoulder.

“I should be the one asking for forgiveness. I…I overreacted.” Thomas rubbed Derek’s back, and buried his head in his lover’s neck. “I know you wouldn’t do anything to break us up. You’d never do anything to hurt me.” His blonde hair tickled Derek’s neck slightly as Thomas breathed in and out.

“No…please, don’t say that. You have nothing to be sorry about.” Derek kissed the top of Thomas’ head and loosened his grip a bit. “I’m the only one who has to say sorry, here.”

Thomas tilted his head, and blinked up at his Roysie. “You have nothing to be sorry about either. I forgave you, already.” His eyes stared out towards the center of the room, and the light caught them perfectly; reflecting a beautiful blue glint from his irises. “I was afraid you wouldn’t want to see me but, I really need to explain things to you.”

“I need to tell you some things too, Thomas. Just in case…” Derek trailed off.

“Just in case…” Thomas was now staring up at Derek.

As if on cue, they both said in unison: “We’re not together anymore.”